I latch onto specific problems and when I do everything else around me diminishes into nothingness until I complete the task at hand. I line these problems up and solve them, one-by-one, and I find updating the task list awfully difficult. If I am on my way to do a job, breaking off to attend to something else is almost impossible. I once finished buttering my toast before putting out a fire by the stove. I once lost a girlfriend after she trapped her fingers in a food processor, and I quietly went over to the fridge and put the milk away before turning to help her. She couldn’t believe that I hadn’t rushed over straight away, but of course it wasn’t really like that. I was unable to review or address my priorities until my mind had freed itself from the current task.
I have to manage these tendencies. And I learned at an early age that it helps to focus on discrete tasks that, if things get really bad, I can remind myself don’t matter. That, at least, limits the anxiety of abandoning them. I have my work and that gets me through the day, but outside of those hours I need other things to pull me through. I can paint and read and they’re involving, for sure, but they don’t tend to have the sense of completion that I get from a simple puzzle. Jigsaws, sudoku, word searches, videogames; these all make up part of it but oddly enough it’s crosswords that have taken over my mind. It started because they weren’t too taxing and if I was pushed to cheat then it didn’t really matter. They let me say things like,
“Right, I’ll do 9 across while on the toilet and that’s it.”
Like most things I put my mind to, I quickly turned the hobby into an obsessive pursuit of completion. The harder they were, the better. If I had to watch a film, read a book, or even visit a real-life location to get an answer, I would. And I credited it all with pushing me out of my comfort zone in order to experience new things. I would have never watched Breakfast at Tiffanies, read Little Women, or visited the London Museum of Natural History without needing to get answers from them. And they were all new experiences for me, some better than others, but I enjoyed the feeling of expanding my little bubble with each new puzzle.
Crosswords, like everything, have communities surrounding them and I even found a few friends online. For some, the compulsion to get obscure answers was a vital lifeline to the outside world, and you’d be surprised at some of the cultures lurking at the fringe. A good crossword is more than just a puzzle, it’s a curated string of experiences picked to evoke a deliberate journey. A common example might be the kind of thing some tourists could use to guide them around a city:
Below the Phoenix of a Blinded Saint, 8 down.
Resurgam – the answer can be found carved on a stone beneath a statue of a phoenix at St Paul’s Cathedral. But what about something like the following:
The final song of a thunderous singer, 5 across.
The answer was Toxic, the final song lip-synced by a Drag Queen (Daytona Thunder) at a popular club in Manchester. I went a long way for that one and had a surprisingly good night, albeit one a little outside my wheelhouse. But still, I got the answer and it wasn’t like I’d find it just by reading the forums (posting answers is a big no-no if you want to get into the best clubs). The creator was a well-known Queer academic working out of London who has a popular following in the community. I appreciated their work but perhaps not as much as those by one anonymous Berliner.
A companion’s lips tasted through the looking glass, 6 across.
Her name was Alice and she was an escort for an agency called Intimate Companions. She was wearing Cherry lip gloss, something I found through a process of elimination.
Over the last few years I’ve discovered more about myself than I ever would have at home. I have learned that I can lie very well, that when I know who I am meant to be, who others want me to be, I can be confident and even charming. I have learned that I am not a jealous person, that I am not a vain person, and that there are times when I can be as reckless and adventurous as anyone else. I just need a reason to, a job to complete with routes to success I understand.
The name of a one-eyed watchmen’s gun, 12 across.
There was a policeman—with two eyes, I might add, but the unfortunate Christian name of Dick—and the answer was the serial number of his gun, converted to letters. That was an odd one, but absolutely invigorating. The crossword had been made with clearly defined geographical boundaries which helped (many of us attended it as a communal event although I largely acted alone), and for a moment I almost thought the policeman was in on the game. Right up until he tried to shoot me.
Like I said, the experiences can be invigorating.
But the good ones, the really good ones, they can be a struggle to find. You have to be accepted into the right groups, often you’ll be vetted, even tested, but the reward can be worth it. I’ll never forget the day I had a hand-delivered envelope deposited at my doorstep and the anticipation I felt opening it, unknotting the brown twine so delicately tied around the heft. God, some of them even had wax seals. I liked those the most. I found the violet and crimson seals delicious to look at.
But they were so, so much more than simple puzzles.
A principled affair, 5 down.
The headmaster of the local school was having an affair with her sister-in-law, Sarah. It was hard to find that out. It wasn’t exactly public knowledge. Frankly, I had to resort to stalking and it wasn’t a good look, but it was a new experience nonetheless and the few times I nearly got caught were quite exhilarating. But what was truly amazing was that this was at the school just a few blocks from my house! You have to understand, it wasn’t just a template handed out to everyone. I still don’t know how big any of these communities really are but I imagine they’re quite small and involve people from all over the world. It was truly remarkable to think someone had laboured over a tailor-made puzzle just for me.
There are quite a few groups I belong to now. Some aren’t even organised online, instead requiring that you ferret them out, sometimes as clues in other puzzles, sometimes as their own elaborate games. But there are always more to be found and in the best circumstances, they find you, choosing you out of all the people in the world to rise to the challenge at hand. The right ones will push you to do things you never thought possible.
A baker’s jewels, 7 down.
Harriet Baker who died in 2012 at the age of 86 and was buried with an emerald necklace in the local graveyard. I still have it, kept away somewhere in a special drawer along with news clippings of the crime. It even has some of the soil from the grave still muddying its shimmering gems, and admittedly they do still smell a bit. But I bet that I know something most people don’t, and that’s what happens to little old Grandma five years after being sealed up in a box beneath the Earth. Not just the abstract, either. I know the specifics, I know exactly what she looks like, smells like, and even what her cold lumpen flesh feels like. I spent years as a child wondering what happened to the many relatives of mine who passed away, but it was an adult I finally found the answer.
People have lived their whole lives looking down on me. Teachers assumed I was slow at learning, my parents mourned that I cared more about organising my wargaming miniatures than I ever did about girls or friends, everyone around me treated me like I was a timid mouse in a world of thundering giants. But I’ve lived a more exciting life than they could ever imagine, and it hasn’t been in spite of who I am. Only someone like me could pursue these clues to such dogged ends and I gladly take the bad with the good.
The colour of the tea plates served by the Biellier Historical Society, 9 up.
Don’t let the name fool you. The Society is a private organisation for some rather unusual gentlemen who serve tea after their annual conference is finished. Crazy bastards, I can see why they need a drink once they’re finished and I’m not surprised half of them didn’t take a seat during refreshments. I’m just not sure I’ll ever look be able to look a farm animal in the eye again.
Oh, and turquoise, by the way. That was the answer.
I know things very few people know. That’s a rare privilege and, like I said, it comes with a price. It would be ridiculous to think one might look upon the fraying edges of our world without having to face some uncomfortable sights. And you might think the worst of it is a leather-bound orgy in a dungeon or perversions you can safely find on Wikipedia, but there are other lingering truths buried in the Earth and I am one of the few who have seen them. There is always more to learn, always another word to find, another puzzle to complete. And I have come a long way in my education since I first received that letter on my doorstep years ago.
The inheritor of Maeson’s oldest home, 6 down.
Albert. Albert was the named inheritor of the first house built and designed by obscure architect Harold Maeson. It was not, as almost everyone first expected, the current owner’s first born son named Alexander, but instead the old man’s male sexual interest Albert who was a rather unwilling 17 year old. Perhaps the old man thought it made up for his actions towards the boy he had kept around as a family friend for years, disguising his abuse as mentorship. Either way it caused a tremendous uproar and poor Albert wasn’t exactly thrilled to have his face all over the papers. No one could have possibly known he would be the inheritor. The will was written up in total secrecy, something I spent considerable resources finding out.
Credit where it’s due, the old man put up a fight but his death was the only way I would get my answer. I can’t speak for others, but I found the experience quite a revelation. I felt as if I’d learned profound hidden knowledge, a truth about reality found in the glassy bloodshot eyes of a man violently dying. There’s something in there, you know, something that lies just beneath our own reality. I saw a glimmer of it that night, just like I had so many others before it. It’s quite beautiful, a confusing glittering mess of contradictions and unknowable madness. It is, by definition beyond our ability to every truly know but you can still see facets of it, one bit at a time.
It’s beautiful. But… well, it’s not always so painless.
The missing piglet counted right to left, 5 up.
Eight. That was the answer. I spent all night researching fairy tales and children’s rhymes only to fall asleep at my desk sometime around 2 in the morning. When I awoke I had been moved to the sofa and my left foot was raised on the armrest and bandaged heavily. The whole tingled from anaesthesia and it wouldn’t be until noon before I could walk on it again. Anxiously, I undid the white swaddle of blood-tinged gauze and winced at the sight of my mutilated foot. The middle toe on my left foot had been amputated cleanly, the wound sewn up neatly like a cross-stitched grin. Counting right to left, I noticed it was the eighth toe missing and I have to admit I pumped my fist in the air and rejoiced at having the answer.
But the experience caught me off guard, and it might not surprise you to know that I have since looked into slowing down and maybe even taking a short break from this hobby. I’ve had to manage these tendencies in the past and I suppose this one should be no different. But there have been some difficulties. For one thing, they won’t stop sending new puzzles to me and it’s all but impossible for me to ignore them. And for another, the clues are becoming increasingly pointed.
A sea of white and flakes of gold to flood a castle of ivory, 6 down.
Cereal, right? That’s what I thought, at least until I had the unpleasant surprise of discovering a needle hidden in my cornflakes. That, it turned out, was the correct answer and I was lucky to catch it before it wound up anywhere near my mouth. The thought of that thing sliding down my throat or catching in the roof of my mouth, spearing the gum and cartilage, left me riddled with an ever-growing anxiety. Clubs have pushed things in the past, boundaries take a backseat when it comes to pursuing the absolute limit of knowledge. But it felt like such an odd inclusion for the latest puzzle, one that didn’t necessarily teach me anything. If I had the ability to trace it to a single group I might have a better sense of what it was meant to mean, but then again anonymity was always kind of the point.
The currency of a strategic withdrawal, 3 up.
I initially thought of the military, but in fact the answer was Yen and it turned out that around £50,000 worth of them had been withdrawn from my account (by myself, somehow) at the bank. God knows how that was possible, but it happened and there’s not a lot I could really do about it. I’ve written to some of the groups but as far as I can tell they’re playing coy.
I am sorry, one replied. But our puzzles are sent out as part of a weekly newsletter via e-mail. We’re not sure we’ve ever offered bespoke crosswords but we’d be fascinated to hear more if there’s anyone out there who does. It’d interest quite a few of our members, myself included.
I received similar variations to this message from just about every organisation I had listed in my ledger and frankly I found the suggestion ridiculous. I’d always assumed those newsletters were part of a front, making it appear as though the focus was on banal little puzzles about obscure military defeats while secretly directing us to brothels and illegal casinos. It made sense, perhaps, that they would maintain the ruse but an acquaintance I called wasn’t exactly reassuring.
“Well of course they’re a front,” he said. “Don’t you get the packages? I’ve had a few seedy adventures with those!”
“Oh that’s good!” I laughed while breathing a deep sigh of relief. “I was beginning to think… well, I’m not sure what I was thinking.”
“Oh yes the packages are very real,” he replied. “The Spring edition was quite a naughty affair, don’t you think?”
“Invigorating,” I smiled. “I didn’t even know where to buy a burlap sa—”
“Strawberry!? Can you imagine? The Mrs and I had a delight trying out the different flavours.”
“What?”
“Oh come now man, no need to be shy. It’s quite normal to use… lubricant,” he whispered it like a dirty secret. “Agnes suggested we try it on toast!” I hung up with his laughter still bellowing down the other line. My Spring edition of our shared club was not anything like his. I told myself that it made sense it wouldn’t, they were meant to be custom made for each participant, but it alarmed me to hear that his activities were so dreadfully banal. Most of the clues in that edition had directed me to the consumption of a range of meats including something I scraped off the side of a suspension bridge.
Nothing my friend had said to me rang true. Rightly, I should have stopped there. But… but the thing is… it was never really an option, not then and not now. I’m sure you think it’s a silly compulsion or anxiety but it’s not. I can’t do it. It’s simply not in my nature especially not now I know that God-knows-what could be lurking around the corner. I’ve explained this to myself and others before – I am task focused. I needed to finish the job at hand.
PO Box 19777, open it from within, 9 down.
I found the box with ease but there was no key nor any means to open it from within. Whatever the rationale was behind the puzzle, I thought at the time that the whole affair was beginning to frustrate me. I didn’t see any significant challenge to tracing the address, aside from finding the key which, it would turn out, was very much part of the clue. In fact, I’m still not entirely sure how they did it. I awoke to a sort of gagging sensation one night, dreaming that I had swallowed a tangle of wet hair. Only the terrible retching sensation wasn’t entirely dreamed up. Tied to my canine was a line of floss that I painfully had to pull up from my stomach. It was unnecessarily long, spooling out of my throat in a bloody tangle for a good few metres while I vomited and cried from the struggle. It took nearly half an hour to inch it out while I choked and retched but eventually I regurgitated the key, collapsing afterwards to the floor to heave and sob as I recovered.
There was a teddy bear in the locker and I didn’t find it particularly amusing. And, yes, okay, there was a mild satisfaction to getting the answer, but the rest of me was filled with a deep begrudging. I felt like the punchline to a joke that wasn’t funny.
A starry orchid’s window of choice, 7 down.
The answer was eyeball, and it turns out the consumption of the flower in question causes bloody secretions from the tear ducts, not to mention renal failure. It wasn’t easy to explain that one away, and I didn’t much appreciate the stay at a hospital. The price for that answer may one day be dialysis, but for now I hope that I may still see myself clear of such things. The doctors couldn’t say for sure what the chances were. At the very least I hoped that I might find some respite while interred in a hospital bed, but if anything it made things worse. I was not prepared to be incapacitated for so long with the knowledge that the puzzle was but one clue from completion.
I was itching furiously for the last few days, and my doctors were confounded by the state of my heart and were blind to the other tell-tale signs of anxiety. There would be no rest for me until I had finished the puzzle and I swore to myself, swore blind on my mother’s grave, that it would be the last. If things got much worse, I reminded myself, it might not be me who decides what will be my last puzzle.
When I arrived home it was with the kind of relief I never thought possible. I am forever learning more about myself and those first few steps through the front door made it clear to me I was in the thrall of some kind of addiction. No matter what the price was, I told myself over and over again that I would pay it and move on. I would change addresses if I had to or pay someone to physically slap the damn pencil out of my hand if I went to complete another crossword! God knows I have the money.
I will climb this final hurdle, I told myself, and see it through.
And yet… I don’t know. I half-expect there to be some ghoulish double-entendre hiding in the words but for the life of me I cannot see one. It seems more like a hideous joke - one I don’t really understand. I have a possible word choice and it certainly fits but… It’s been weeks and I can’t bring myself to write it in. This is the final clue! The final step at the end of this increasingly desperate adventure and I can’t figure it out. I’m half-tempted to say that I won’t see another answer because I don’t want to finish it. That might be it, surely? I’m an addict. I’ll admit that all too readily and this wouldn’t be the first time I took things too far. It’s just…
The handwriting these clues have been written in, 4 down.
I keep expecting some terrible interpretation to come true, to find a severed hand by my door, or to awake missing most of my fingers. It’s a strange thing but I have come to find myself ruminating often on the look in the old man’s eyes. For while I am sure that I saw something terrible and beautiful deep within the popping veins of those suffocating retinas, it had not occurred to me until now that something was looking back.
And it’s waiting for me to write in the final answer, though God knows it must be wrong for it simply cannot be possible that the answer is ‘mine’.

Throwaway account
I've been lurking on this forum for a while. I've gained a lot of invaluable kowladge and wisdom about the lifestyle from your posts. Obviously I'm young, unexperianced, and maybe just a little naive, but I think that with what I've learned I can make this endevour worthwhile.
I moved for school last fall to a very expensive place in the mountains. Although financial aid would cover most my expenses, I had no money to get extra things for myself. I had always been attracted to older men (30s-40s), I liked the idea of meeting a mature, intelligent, successful guy. Although I find women my age attractive, guys my own age just don't do anything for me. I had known about sugaring/SA since I was in high school, and felt like this would be perfect for what I was looking for and what I needed. I made a profile and started looking for potential dates.
I quickly gave up for a while due to "the scammer phase", but after a couple weeks I started getting messages from real men. A lot of them. I had never thought really highly of my appearance, but I quickly realized that being a young petit blonde got me a fair amount of attention. I was pretty thrilled, I had all these daydreams about being in a relationship with a successful gentleman. I was only looking/responding to guys in their 30's, maybe early 40's. After messaging with a few, I ended up setting up dates with three of them. One guy was obviously not interested in any kind of allowance, the two others were just looking to get a hotel room every once in a while for sex, though I had made it very clear to them before meeting that I was looking for a connection/dating type of relationship.
I quickly realized that living in a small town meant a very small pool of SDs. I was a bit discouraged that it had been about a month and could not find anyone with similar relationship goals. That's when a man, let's call him John, messaged me on say. His profile said he was 51 yo, loved the outdoors, and had a very high income. He was a little bit older than what I was looking for, but he was very handsome in his photos, I thought 'why not?' to myself. Before meeting him he wanted to start giving me an allowance, fearing this was a scam I rejected this; he proposes instead to buy me gear for the winter season, which I accepted (dumb desicion). Based on my previous experiences I was expecting something modest, instead I got almost $1600 worth of gear including a new board. I was floored. 'Have I actually found someone that is real?', I asked to myself. I setup a time to meet him for dinner at a casino.
I quickly realized that living in a small town meant a very small pool of SDs. I was a bit discouraged that it had been about a month and could not find anyone with similar relationship goals. That's when a man, let's call him John, messaged me on say. His profile said he was 51 yo, loved the outdoors, and had a very high income. He was a little bit older than what I was looking for, but he was very handsome in his photos, I thought 'why not?' to myself. Before meeting him he wanted to start giving me an allowance, fearing this was a scam I rejected this; he proposes instead to buy me gear for the winter season, which I accepted (dumb decision). Based on my previous experiences I was expecting something modest, instead I got almost $1600 worth of gear including a new board. I was floored. 'Have I actually found someone that is real?', I asked to myself. We setup a time to meet him for dinner at a casino.
When I met him I realized that he had been using old photos on his profile. The photos were real, but the person I met with was obviously in his 60s. I stayed for the dinner just to be polite, but I felt like I had been betrayed. He was fairly nice during dinner and we actually did have some things in common. However, I did not have any intention of seeing him again. When he contacted to go on a second date I told him I did not want to, then he made a big deal about dinner and getting the gear, so I very reluctantly agreed. He took me to a wine tasting place, and after that he wanted to go back to his hotel with him by saying he had a gift for me. After we got to his room, he started kissing me aggressively and touching me. I froze, but I eventually was able to tell him to stop and pull myself away. I made some excuse about getting a text from a friend and having to leave. John texted me later about how upset he was that I left in a hurry.
He contacted me again about meeting up. I gave him a firm no this time and blocked him. I was going to a small school, and I had told him where I was attending. I guess its not that hard to find someone because he found me: first he contacted via my school email, then he showed up to the school itself. I avoided him and I don't think he actually saw me. He's tried to contact me several through different emails/phone numbers. I did something really bad out of desperation, I threatened to send screenshots of his creepy messages to everyone at his real estate company. He finally backed off, this was in January.
Even with this experience, I would like to try my luck at finding someone again. I've found myself to be pretty lonely and the guy I was seeing ghosted me right after quarantine. I would like to ask if this is even the right place for me? For the more experienced of you, has something like this happened to you? Were you able to get over it? Besides getting a texting app, what other options do I have to prevent something like this from happening? Do any experienced SBs have a vetting process? Thanks.
tl;dr Relatively new to sugar, met creepy stalker online, asking for similar experiences and advice to avoid that

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Preface:

When I have asked people to describe the current EVE meta, the responses have overwhelmingly included the word “stale,” with numerous complaints centered around botting, risk aversion, the condensation and supremacy (both in the game and in game updates) of null mega-blocs (which everyone knows are inferior to LEGOs), and the general lack of content variety that once was the hallmark of EVE. EVE Online is very much an economic sandbox, and any economist with more than three brain cells to rub together could tell you that in entirely unregulated systems, the largest and most established corporations will subsume the others around it, quickly gobbling up any newcomers to the market to eliminate competition (See: AOL-Time Warner-Pepsico-Viacom-Halliburton-Skynet-Toyota-Taco Bell-Trader Joe's), and what we see in EVE is no different: groups that are already large and powerful have the means to gain money, power, and influence at a rate much larger than that of smaller groups (rorqual moon mining, super ratting, jump bridges, etc.).
This set-up creates what is essentially a regressive tax on smaller entities: they have no way to compete with already-established entities, now or in the future, because they will always be at a disadvantage compared to the mega-bloc (barring some massive influx of external capital; see: Casino Wars). What this means is that the EVE player base is basically like the Catholic Church: the general population is the old guard, established folks who control the doctrine (see what I did there?), with relatively few newcomers attracted or able to establish themselves. As people leave to pursue activities in meatspace or burn out, there is little new blood to replace them, and CCP’s recent strategy of making up for this lack of new players with having the old folks get multiple subscriptions (because you need to have a tackle alt, a cyno alt, a super alt, and a FAX alt, right?) makes decent economic sense for the company (in the short run), but definitely condemns the game to a slow death.
So, what I present here are a series of what I will call “revolutionary” ideas; ideas that range from freshening the meta to make it more viable for new players to gain a foothold in this crazy game universe to collapsing core game mechanics in ways that would likely result in a huge uproar from EVE’s player base. I do not necessarily claim that any of these are good ideas, but they are definitely interesting ideas to consider and discuss and are based off personal pet peeves I have had while playing EVE over the past few months.
Wow that was a long fucking intro. Jesus, let’s get to it.

I. Fix Low Sec and Faction Warfare

New players start off in high sec with very limited resources, and the game implies that low security space is a way for players to dip their toes into PVP, piracy, and other game mechanics that are excluded from hisec. Especially prominent to new players is the Factional Warfare mechanic, which provides new players with a ready-made group of allies, chances for PVP, and roleplaying opportunities. Theoretically, low sec and faction warfare mechanics should reward these players for their gumption… in reality, that’s not what happens.
Low security (especially the FW Warzone) space is plagued by numerous issues, and I am going to attempt to address some of them here with some indecent proposals:

1. Ban supers and titans in lowsec: from a logical standpoint, this makes sense. No caps in hisec; regular caps allowed in low; supers allowed in null. It also makes sense from a lore standpoint as empires may not want capsuleer titans wandering around their space willy-nilly. On top of that, it makes it much harder for null-based entities to deploy a massive super fleet to sweep every smaller group out of low sec so they can essentially use it as an auxiliary to its own space (looking at you, Snuff). Supers and titans are huge, expensive, and only available to the truly wealthy. They should not be in low sec if low sec is meant to be viable for new players as an induction into PVP. On a personal note, if I have one more assault frigate killed by a cloaked supercarrier outside a plex, I may explode.
2. Ban cloaking devices inside and outside faction warfare plexes: Tell me, what is the point of going to a novice complex (only T1 frigates allowed in) if a cloaky insta-lock Loki can just sit outside the acceleration gate and blap anything that tries to come in? Or how about the aforementioned scenario of a cloaked supercarrier sitting near the gate just waiting for their tackle alt to grab someone before they can slide in. Alternatively, there could be damage clouds outside plexes that punish people more frequently the longer they sit out there (after 1 minute sitting there you take 1000 omni damage, after 2 minutes, you take 10k omni damage, after 5 minutes you take 100k omni damage, etc.). This second method has all sorts of problems with it, but damn would it be interesting.
3. Make the insta-slide a thing again!: Up until a few months ago, if you landed on the acceleration gate, and hit the gate as soon as you landed, you would always warp into the FW complex. You could not be pointed or scrammed outside, so long as you took the gate immediately. This mechanic was critical to ensuring that if you showed up to a small plex, you would fight frigates and destroyers, not T3Cs and supers. A super-easy fix to a really discouraging problem for new players.
4. Dramatically increase victory points per complex run: As it stands now, a faction must run 150 complexes to completion (plus additional complexes for each complex the enemy faction has run) in order to bash the infrastructure hub. Each complex takes between 10 and 20 minutes to run. Why in hell is the grind so pointless and vicious?! In Fozziesov (which is basically FW on crack), each node captured stabilizes or destabilizes the structure by 6-7% (albeit on a timer). In FW, each complex stabilizes or destabilizes the system by 0.6%! Yes, you read that right: a fraction of one percent. You can circle the beacons for days and never get anywhere close to making the system vulnerable (especially since all those deplexing bots get to the system while you sleep). Reducing the number of necessary plexes to 25 or even 50 could make FW seem less like pounding your head against a brick wall and makes FW viable and engaging gameplay for small- and mid-sized groups.
5. Severe warzone structure restrictions: Arguably the biggest problem facing FW today is that control of the warzone is pointless. If the enemy faction captures your staging system, it used to be a critical blow, as now all your stuff was locked inside a station you could not access. With the introduction of citadels, that situation has changed drastically and was never addressed or altered in any meaningful way. If my faction loses control of a system, my Fortizar works just fine. In fact, my industrial facilities can benefit from system FW bonuses even if it is not my faction that owns the system. I could be looking at 50% reduced industry costs while sitting deep in enemy territory. How does that make sense? Thus, my insane proposal for this is to drastically reduce citadel function in lowsec systems in the FW warzones by (forgive the shitty indents, reddit):

a. Preventing anchoring of structures in space controlled by the enemy faction. Any structures in enemy space (after a system flip) automatically enter low-power mode and do not have any services, including docking and tethering. To prevent "enemy holding corporations," there would additionally need to be an "ACL Override" that would prevent enemy milita from docking/tethering in these structures in the warzone, regardless of the standings/ACLs of the corporation that owns them (e.g. I could not just make a one-man Calmil corporation just to anchor an astrahus that Galmil can dock in in Caldari space).
b. Removing neutral structures: Structures belonging to groups that are not engaged in factional warfare cannot be anchored in the FW warzone, and any structure in the warzone transferred to a neutral entity automatically enter low-power mode and disallow all docking and tethering. Neutral toons can still dock at NPC stations, but cannot dock or tether at citadels owned by either faction. This method is extreme, but necessary to avoid FW groups just using holding corporations to place structures in enemy space.
Implementing these proposals means that system sieges could actually mean something. Imagine if all your citadels could be shut down because the enemy controls your space! Wouldn’t that be some high-stakes excitement, compared to the boring “who gives a crap if we lose space” attitude prominent in FW groups nowadays?
It is also worth noting that not ALL of lowsec is in the FW warzone, so there are plenty of places for industry groups, pirates, etc. to go other than the warzone. If FW is made more dynamic with VP changes, the warzone could also conceivably be reduced in size (with more becoming a specific empire’s space permanently) to allow for non-FW content to thrive in those areas as well.

II. Make stationary mega-blocs less viable in the long-term, especially those utilizing botting.

The idea of a Delve-hour is a cancerous lesion upon the entire EVE community: one group (admittedly through its own trials and tribulations) has a near-impenetrable region of space that produces massive amounts of resources, industrial products, and NPC bounties in quantities that rival or even dwarf trade hubs on a monthly basis. And the real kicker is: the more they harvest, the more they farm, the more they grind, the more resources, rats, and grindrs are available to them. Thus, their wealth creates a positive feedback loop that ensures that no one will ever truly be able to compete with them. This situation is certainly not unique to Goonswarm Federation (and I do not bear them, nor Snuff, nor any other group ill will for exploiting the game mechanic in their favor) but it is not long-term sustainable if CCP wishes to attract new players. Additionally, trillions upon trillions of ISK every month are generated through botting (or just plain AFKing) with VNI ratting in near-untouchable space with vast intel networks (galaxy-wide, obviously not just in Delve). Thus, I propose two changes, one relatively minor that may (or may not) help with dealing with the VNI’s bullshit, and one that would fundamentally alter (read: break) the structure of the game forever.

1. Make VNI ratting take literally any conscious effort: I know, this is a pretty low bar to set, but even some really stupidly simple changes like increased drone aggro against drone boats by rats and removing the drone “aggressive” auto-attack means that people (or bots, let’s be real) would actually have to put SOME effort into ratting. In any ship other than a drone boat, a player has to make a conscious choice to engage each enemy, depleting ammunition, reloading, maintaining appropriate range. In VNIs, all of that is done for you automatically: no ammo is depleted, you never have to reload, you just need to orbit a rock prop-on and go cook dinner while the money pours in. Now, in fairness, these changes could discourage real players from ratting while not really addressing the core issue of botters, but people just printing money with 0 actual game inputs seems incredibly brokento me.
2. Resource Depletion and Scarcity: This is arguably the worst, best, least viable, and most interesting suggestion I have for this post. It was spurred by two stimuli: Firstly, a discussion I had with a friend about how good of an economic simulator EVE is. For those who have never taken economics, the entire field is more or less predicated on two assumptions: that people will generally act in a way that serves their self-interest and that resources are scarce. The first assumption holds up pretty well in EVE, but the second fails massively because asteroid belts respawn every day after downtime in the same place with the same amounts of minerals; the more ore you mine in null sec, the MORE ore anomalies spawn; the more NPC pirate rats you kill for their bounties, the more show up in your system. That doesn’t seem… quite right. (Yes, I know it is ostensibly to "reward" groups for being active in their space, but should there be no limit to that?) The second factor that pushed me to make this suggestion was actual flavor text from the game itself, specifically the one for “Small Asteroid Cluster” anomalies: “In the past, scientists shared their concerns about an overall reduction in the supply of raw resources, but in recent times, the discovery of additional ore in unknown sectors of space has alleviated this anxiety.” CCP literally has written into the game that scarcity could become a real thing! What if rorqual mining a system for months at a time actually depleted its resources? What if money moons gradually became less money (while other moons gradually improved if not drilled regularly)? What if killing off thousands upon thousands of pirates actually weakened their cartel in that sector of space? What if PI depleted planetary resources not just in one area of a planet, but across the entire planet for an extended period of time? Well, if that happened, groups that consume massive amounts of resources would need to move, conquering space from other groups. All of a sudden, groups would not just be able to sit under their cyno jammers and super umbrellas making massive piles of cash, reacting enormous stockpiles of moon goo, and killing infinite numbers of rats: they would have to scout and seize the more desirable space from their enemies. In one fell swoop, we could have a more realistic EVE economy, discourage turtling, and encourage actual engagements (as opposed to the “war” Legacy/Fraternity have had going for a couple months, where no meaningful structures were destroyed or space changed hands because everyone is too risk-averse to commit). Because the defenders have a tactical advantage against invaders, introducing scarcity would also give smaller groups at least somewhat of a boost in the face of groups slightly larger than they. On top of all that, the EVE economy would more accurately reflect the reality of meatspace economies and resource-gathering. Could new gameplay opportunities or strategies be opened up by the depletion of Delve money moons or PI planets, just as depletion of petroleum oil supplies has (somewhat) allowed for the expansion of solar, wind, geothermal, and other power sources in meatspace? Maybe! Who knows what strategies we could see EVE players develop in the face of this new challenge (which is, in reality, the oldest challenge humanity has faced for tens of thousands of years).

NOW, there are several big problems with this change, most notably that someone who is super rich could just stockpile massive amounts of resources, then use the skyrocketing prices to make mad bank, but honestly, I think that it would be a fascinating development, if not necessarily one that would make a lot of players happy.

III. Random Bullshit/Quality of Life Improvements

Gonna keep this short because my other sections are WAY too long.

1. Fix Corp/Alliance/ACL Titles, roles, and general management: Dear gods, what a fustercluck these are. I know, I know, someone is going to scream “Legacy code!!!” at me, as if TAPI had teamed up with James 315, but after 16 years, that excuse starts to sound a bit old. Setting corp and alliance permissions in these is a confounding nightmare.
2. Event and Giveaway buttons on sidebar: Jesus Christ, can we get rid of these, or at least make them removable? There are already massive ads/popups for them on the launcher and login screen! Stop pushing my Fitting Management button off my neocom, you shits!
3. Insurance adjustments: This is the most minor of pet peeves, but every single month, an economic report comes out that shows that there is at least two times as much ISK paid out in insurance money as is paid into the insurance system. As someone who has known actuaries and insurance professionals all my life, this annoys the hell out of me. Honestly, Pend Insurance should just stop insuring capsuleers; they’d save so much money! I think it would be really interesting if CCP implemented some sort of monthly check: if insurance payouts exceed insurance contributions for that month, then future insurance payouts are cumulatively reduced by 10% across the board (maybe weighted so that insurance for larger ships is reduced by a greater amount and insurance for smaller ships reduced less to make it more friendly for new players who can’t afford to lose as much). CCP can then continue to do this every month that insurance payouts continue to be too damn high, until the relative amounts are more reasonable. Payouts can also be adjusted UP if contributions are substantially higher than payouts. *GASP* an actual economic equilibrium? Who woulda thunk? Having insurance act as a net ISK faucet is both dumb from an economic standpoint and silly from a game-design standpoint.

Conclusions

Anyway, those are some of my extremely terrible, horrible, no good, very bad ideas for the future of EVE that could make the game more compelling for new players, which I mainly bring up as points of discussion for my fellow players, rather than as serious proposals. I fully expect that a whopping zero of them will ever be implemented because many would frustrate the existing paying player base or just be too much effort to address something that CCP doesn’t really care about addressing since they are focused on other matters. I don’t mean to shit on CCP for having such a focus: the Triglavian stuff is pretty cool, and I like that there’s more lore things happening lately… but it’s a shame that the number of viable play-styles in EVE has been reduced so drastically because of lack of attention on their part.

I'm leaking everything I know about Grand Theft Auto VI.
After seeing what Schreier said about the next Grand Theft Auto being early in development and all the garbage MrBossFTW videos, I decided to ask my friend who started to work at Rockstar in San Diego 4 years ago and has been involved in the development of the game since late 2017 to give me some details about it. Everything he said to me about the game just seemed completely unreal, and after being quiet with this info for more than 3 days now, I can't stop myself from just telling this to the rest of the world. If what he told me is true, then this post might get deleted very quick, so try to copy & paste it somewhere or just screenshot it, also there might be a chance that Rockstar will change some things in the game because of it, and that my friend will be very angry at me and will maybe get suspended from work or he's trolling me and this is just another day of fake GTA VI news, but to me it's just too detailed to be fake. I'm also using a throwaway account. So with this out of the way let's start. The game is 70% finished. The first mentions of the game started way back in late 2011, when the Grand Theft Auto V trailer was launched worldwide. The plan was to make it the biggest game ever, something that nobody has ever seen before, with multiple cities, multiple protagonists, open interiors, realistic mechanics you get the point. Basically the ultimate game and they set it for late 2018, however the game was too heavy for the PS4/XONE hardware, and they also realized they wouldn't finish it in time with Red Dead Redemption 2 being developed around the corner. So they decided to split teams (I don't know the studio names so i will be just saying Team A, B etc) - Team A will be developing RDR2, Team B will be finishing GTA V, Team C starting the development on GTA VI and Team D was operating the next Grand Theft Auto game, which was supposed to be not a full blown sequel, but more like a spin-off (Vice City style - with around 50 missions and one protagonist on the V engine) and release it in 2016, set in areas different from what we saw before (very possibly London, they even left a hint of it in GTA V in that skate park graffiti or whatever it was), however this was scrapped in 2014 and replaced with a TBoGT/TLaD style DLC for GTA V, however this was again scrapped in 2015/16 when they realized how much money they make and can make with Online, so they decided to release bigger DLC's with something that has never been really experienced in GTA (here's the whole thing with MK2 Oppressors etc) and all the money that GTA Online made then was used for GTA VI. So when Red Dead Redemption 2 was finished in 2017, they started to fully focus on Grand Theft Auto VI. They even tested the features that they wanted in the next GTA by placing them in GTA V and RDR2 (I'll say them later). Now I will jump into everything that has currently been developed. The game is set in three different decades in three major cities surrounded by minor ones, with one protagonist for each decade. 1980s (I don't know the exact years but I think it will be something around 1983-1985 because of Rockstar's love for De Palma's Scarface) Vice City fully based on Miami, Medellin (wasn't told of R's version) and some areas in Bolivia and Cuba. Then 1990s (1996 exactly) Liberty City fully based on New York City (this time it will be missing that Soviet-era vibe that was present in GTA IV) and Carcer City based on Chicago with Detroit elements, and finally modern day San Andreas (Los Santos, Blaine County, San Fierro, a big desert town that I don't know the name of, and Las Venturas with missions in modern day Liberty City and modern day Vice City). Now, you won't be able to switch between protagonists like in V. The game will feature time jumps like in Red Dead Redemption 2 (this was actually tested there with the switch from 1899 to 1907), when you finish the 1980's campaign you will jump into the 1990's campaign and then when you finish that you will jump in the modern day campaign. Also, the area unlock system will return, the one that has been present in III, IV, SA, you know, the one with areas blocked until you complete a part of the story. You won't be able to access LC and Carcer before you started the 90's campaign and you won't be able to access the San Andreas before you started the modern day campaign. Now to the caflight mechanics and weapons. I presume some of you may know the mechanics and weapons if you read a leak posted by one of the game testers (he tested just two areas - VC and Carcer). The weapons will change their design during the space between the three campaigns, and there will be many, MANY weapons. Three times the size of V. I wasn't told every single one, but weapons like the Glock, a chainsaw and flamethrower will be returning and some new weapons will be added, the only one I know is the MP5. The car mechanics will be very advanced. For example, a fuel system in a car will be present (similiar to the one used in Mafia II Definitive Edition) and every single vehicle will have more or less fuel, if you steal a car from a pedestrian it will have a random amount of fuel, and if you break into one it might not even have any. The handling is completely reworked and was done with Hangar 13 who have done Mafia III's handling which is in my opinion the best vehicle handling in a game currently. That's all I know to this. And to the flight mechanics will feature a simulation mode and a regular mode. Didn't ask for details on this, but probably a FS2020 style flying and the GTA V style flying. Entering the physics and features. The same ragdoll system used in RDR2 optimized to fit the modern world, object destruction is going to be introduced (yes, you will be able to destroy buildings and this will have major consequences in the game's world, some of them will be very hard to destroy, some of them very easy and some of them won't be destructable at all, I'll tell later but you probably know by now) which will be very present in the ghettos of Carcer City. You will be able to put corpses and alive pedestrians in your trunk, and now murders will have effects. Remember the feature used in Online, that when you steal a car a guy messages you "You stole my fucking car, now you will pay!" type of message? Yeah, this was a test for GTA VI feature. When you murder someone, there is a possibility that some pedestrian will try to kill you for retaliation, or do some harm to your operation. Depends on the importance of the person you will kill (don't know how this system works, but possibly if you kill a gang member you will get drive-by'd or if you kill some random guy a friend of his will try to murder you) and the location and time. The wanted system is reworked, with six stars returning and the six star response is the military. Also, the police's reaction will depend on the city you will be in and the crime you will commit. And the same system that was featured in Mafia III or Watch Dogs that the you have to be snitched on for the cops to appear will be introduced. Interactions will return from RDR2 but more advanced, and for the first time ever a reputation system. I don't know about it that much, nor my friend does, but basically something like this - if you will make a name for yourself in the city the cops will recognize you and peds will fear you. Gunshot wounds and stab wounds will have effect on the player's movement and other, like if you get shot multiple times you won't be able to hold a heavy gun due to your injuries, and a bleeding system is present. And the same thing that was in GTA V with bruises being left after you die will be again present, but this time scars will be introduced. You can literally get a Tony Montana style scar on your face if you get slashed across it very heavily. Business missions will be present, for example, you will have to deliver cocaine from Vice to Bolivia by airplane, something that was tested in the second Trevor mission in V, or you have to reclaim a hood from the rival gang like in SA, but more advanced (I'm getting too ahead of myself). That's all I can recall on this topic. Oh, and the casino system in LV will be heavily present, it was tested in the GTA Online update, almost forgot about it. The soundtrack will be the best in the history of gaming, and I'm serious about it. One of the points behind having two decades is the soundtrack. I don't know about all songs that are in the game, but I know that artists like The Notorious B.I.G., Eminem, Michael Jackson, 2Pac, Hall & Oates, Nas, Nirvana, Metallica, XXXTentacion and Bob Marley are featured. They spent a lot of money to get them in the game. Now, to the cities look and feel. I will keep it short and simple. Everything from 80's Miami will be present in Vice City, if you watched Miami Vice and Scarface you know, modern day VC will look basically the same way modern day Miami does. 90's Liberty will look like 90's New York present in Above the Rim and Juice however with some new features, and the East-West rap beef will be taking place during this time so expect a lot of references to that. The World Trade Center will be featured, however this was a very, very difficult task and R had to pay major bucks to get it. And finally, modern day San Andreas won't also really differ from the real life counterpart, and some new buildings and areas will be added to Los Santos. Online was basically the thing that Schreier leaked. It will be first set in Los Santos and will eventually feature every city. It has been almost made into a full-blown MMO, DLC ideas already there. There will be an option of getting your V Online protagonist to VI, just like when V for next-gens was released. That is all I know on that, because I really don't care about the Online mode and I didn't ask that much. And the final part, the characters and campaign. I'll start with saying who is Jorge Consejo playing, since he already revealed in his CV that he is featured. The answer is a young Martin Madrazo, who will be one of the protagonist's allies. We will also see a young Roman Bellic moving into LC and a young Dwayne Forge before he got locked up who will be one of the protagonist's allies and a very young Playboy X. We will have references to Niko Bellic (he would appear, but Michael Hollick and Rockstar don't really like eachother now), and Michael, Franklin, Trevor and Lamar will make appearances. That's everyone I know that is returning. As for the new characters, there is a lot of them inspired by Scarface and Narcos for the 1980's campaign, Juice and Above the Rim provided a lot of inspiration for the 1996 campaign and I'm pretty sure there will be a character inspired by 2Pac's Bishop. The campaign is like the three eras of GTA. The 80's campaign will be basically about destruction, mayhem, making money and a name for yourself just like in the 2D era games. The 1996 campaign will be like the 3D era one, going from a nobody to one of the biggest criminals in the country and the modern day campaign will be a mix of both, just like the GTA V one. The missions will be 60 each for one campaign, so all added up the game will feature around 180 missions, which is beating GTA: SA's longest campaign in GTA by over 80 missions. I can't even imagine how long the game will take, including random events and the upgraded Strangers & Freaks missions. The protagonists will be heavily inspired by their time periods cultures. We will have a colombian immigrant moving into Vice City with his friend to escape jail in Colombia, a North Holland gangbanger who wants to do something more then living the gang life, but at the same time wants to dominate the city (a mix of both CJ and Franklin) and a man in his late teenage years who wants to get into the criminal life with his friend, after hearing stories and watching movies, you know the type. Also, the protagonists from the two previous campaigns will return in the modern day one, but as older versions of themselves, however there won't be a switch option between them. Oh, and the release date. Currently, the release date is Spring 2021 with a possible delay to Autumn 2021. Sony is currently battling for the game to be a PS5 exclusive for one month and the PC port is set towards Spring/Summer 2022. They want to release the trailer in October 2020, and a week before that they will show the logo which is done for about two years. That's all I know. Now like I said, there is a chance my friend was lying, and all I told you is fake, so take it with a huge grain of salt. However, if it is really true, then just in case I will delete this post in two days, because of legal action. And if I won't do it, then probably someone from Rockstar will take it down.

Hello All,
I want to share my story of success in hopes that it gives you some hope. Everyone's path is different and some people just get it after a month, some people work 4-6 months, some people take 2 years.
On my 2-year journey of the LSAT, I read many posts on how to increase your score, particularly under certain conditions (see title); spanning reddit, tls, 7sage, and powerscore. Before score release, I was expecting another lack of score increase as several times before. For the sake of anonymity, I have only listed a few of my official scores, but I have taken the LSAT 4+ times and had no schools as of yet "judge" me, so keep up the hard-work and persevere. I feel blessed for the chance to get a good score since some of it IMO is related to chance (see "Casino Effect"), but also because I had a lot of support from my family and friends, and I had a good paying and somewhat flexible job that allowed me to spend a lot on different study methods / retakes. In retrospect, I don't know how much I could've reduced this by, but don't be deterred if you're low on cash, there are a ton of free resources that can get you there. I think I was a bit of a slow person in general. On the otherhand, the money I spent translated to $1000s more in scholarships and an, arguably, invaluable opportunity.
Background

• Graduated with a STEM degree (I wasn't good at the subject but it did give me a logic boost)
• Worked 50-60 hours with occasional travel
• Took online college courses toward my desired career path during this time
• Introverted but still enjoyed a good end of the week romp out at the town

​
Timeline of Events - Jan 2017 to Jan 2019

• Score Pattern: Diagnostic - 149 (Jan 2017 ~(-24 LR, -15LG, -12RC), leaving unanswered blank) to 162 (Jun 2017) to some disappointing scores lower to 165 (Jun 2018) to 170 (Jan 2019)
  • Avg PT Majority of time 167-169
  • Highest PT Score - 176 (on a reused test after 12 months)
• Progression of Materials
  • Jan 2017: LSAT Trainer to get basics following a 4 month plan.
  • Apr 2017: 7Sage LG free material - Followed the fool proofing method to a -1 on LG (effectively do a section, review with 7Sage videos, redo until perfect and at estimated time to complete, and repeat) I did this for over 30 sections, repeating each tough one about 2-4 times
  • Gap from Jun 2017 to Jul 2017
  • Jul 2017: Bought 7Sage ultimate pack (Wish I would've known about this in the beginning). I did the core curriculum but I don't like learning concepts thru video. I got a lot of help from access to all practice tests and being able to review answers I got wrong and JY's explanations
  • Some disappointing stuff from Sep 2017 to Jan 2017. Made decision to postpone a year and take some time off of everything
  • Mar 2018: Private Tutoring and time off. I decided to get private tutoring and once and for all get this test out of the way. It set me back a lot financially, from the cost of sessions to the lack of job. This was a pivotal point so I will break this "era" out further:
    • During tutoring, I got to hear a different perspective as well as gain a more intuitive "voice" in working thru the problems. Quality over speed. I read somewhere you get the speed by getting better and this is true. you can't rush progress. My score improved the slower I took while also gaining an intuition to continue moving forward.
    • Every 3 days, I would do a back to back PT (8sections) with a 10-minute break between the test. It was tiring. No water until break, and no food until break. I ultimately gained endurance and enjoyment for going thru the problems. Everything was a relative breeze. This burned me out though when Jun came.
    • After PTs I would spend the next 2 days deep-diving LR. I would use an excel sheet to write out explicitly: question type, conclusion, premises / sub-conclusions, a pre-phrase answer, reasons why each answer was wrong
    • I had only about 10 PTs that I had not used during this time, but I did have PTs that I hadn't seen in a year, and I had sets 1-20 for drilling. I did it all, I mixed in new tests and they generally got me results about the same as the reused tests. I mixed in old tests with new tests, but the real deal still felt foreign.
    • I practiced meditation and writing down my stresses. (see https://7sage.com/five-strategies-for-combating-lsat-anxiety/)
    • On the June 2018 test, I underperformed by 4 points on my average but glad to get any improvement, and I had to get back to work.
  • After June, I went even further back to basics, I read Manhattan LR and RC. These books explained things in a way I couldn't even imagine. It was like being asked by Luke Skywalker what the force was... and I was Rey. You will find that gaps in studying set you back PT-wise, but as far as synthesizing, it's like your brain reconfigures itself to the new information. I had some major issues with Disagree type and MSS questions, so I also read PowerScore LR Bible. It was good but a little less dense than Manhattan.
  • Studying for Jan 2019: I took two months off the test (work really ramped up) and got back with a fresh perspective. I went back to my very first routine that got me PT Avg = Actual
    • Test conditions exactly as expected (3 sections, 10 min break, 2 sections). I found water was crucial, by section 3, my brain dulled as I lacked water. I made note of this and drank just the right amount before going into the test room
    • 7Sage analytics to identify weaknesses + being able to create custom packets, I drilled all the questions I had gotten wrong in the past two years and reviewed them all. On the particularly hard questions, I looked at them for all questions types. (eg. for a Flaw question, I would pre-phrase answers for MBT, NA, SA, Weaken, Strengthen, etc.)
    • Refocusing on identifying the flaw / structure of the LR question helped me enormously. That was all I needed for the bulk of the questions, it even cured my lackluster Disagree question performance
    • For RC, I went from a -12 the previous test to idk but would guess a -5 this test. I read The Economist articles and "The Concept of Law" by Hart (this book is awesome as a subject and an LSAT perspective), using the same structure identification I used on LR. the paragraph is effectively a long, sometimes convoluted premise. The Economist sometimes had multiple conclusions
    • I PT'd 168 and got lucky on test day over-performing by 2 pts. No meditation, just a mantra (see below)

Some things to note

• A self-realization I had was the immense stress and anxiety I had during test day. It was crippling me by still thinking of the questions on a prior section while working thru other sections. One post I read was from a sage on 7Sage saying that when he/she was taking the test, they realized that stress can only help them, it cannot hurt them. With that mantra, I went into the test with my stress, no meditation, and felt a peace going thru the problems (it also helped to have some law school acceptances already) (I wish I could find the post)
• Sleep is crucial. At least the month or so before the test, catch up on sleep. Its okay if you can't fall asleep the night before, I got like 5 hours. But prior, I had quit caffeine for a month and slept 8.5 hours a day where I couldn't sleep at night cuz I was too rested. I felt great.
• Don't binge drink: During this two year period, I reduced my alcohol to a bare minimum, maxing out at one drink every couple months. In addition, I quit caffeine. It really masks your sleep deprivation. But don't just quit the week before (bad results). It took me two weeks to not feel symptoms and a month to feel okay (cravings never went away, back on the addiction)
• Work Stress: work can stink sometimes, it's tiring and stressful. I recommend 3-5 business days off prior to the test
• Schools and scholarships. I did not get anything unexpected per mylsn.info. In fact, I got about what they expected. My rollercoaster score history on LSAT did not seem to effect my results (I did apply to T25s mainly and still waiting on other results)
• Learn to love the material. You will read so many random things about rocks, music, culture, economics, law theory, and some ridiculous LR arguments (you could also switch between reading foxnews and CNN articles for the same effect; it's funny how each side interprets the facts and even omits certain things the other doesn't, on purpose or unintentionally.)
• There are some truly great people on reddit/other forums (@Mauvedinosaur). Brings hope to what the future of law looks like.

​
How I would do things differently (on a budget) (Actual -> Budgeted)

• LSAC LSAT Costs: 5x (~$1000) -- 2x (~$380)
• LSAT PTs: 7Sage and all books 41-81 (~$500 (prorated)) -- A few sparing recent books and some drill books (~$100)
• Curriculum Material: 7Sage, Manhattan, PS, LSAT Trainer (~$500) -- LSAT Trainer, Manhattan (~$50)
• Tutoring: 6 weeks ($1500) - 0 weeks, find an enlightened friend/reach out to 170+ mentors wanting to give back ~$50 (coffee allowance)

Total: $3500 vs $500 (probably less).
​
I hope my post does not deter anyone and gives people hope for the different things we encounter on the LSAT journey. Reddit is a great community, 7Sage is too, Manhattan LSAT explanations are great. I am not a huge redditor but feel free to reach out with any questions/comments. Good luck to you on your journey!

Hello reddit folk,
I have decided to quit gambling. I last gambled yesterday morning but I have excluded myself from my 3 gambling sites. I played Poker and Roulette. In Poker I used to play a spin and go format, where there is a spin before the game starts. I wagered 100euro and most of the time the jackpot would be 200, sometimes 400 or 600, rarely 1000.
I once went up 1.7k and then lost it all going down to minus 1k. I can’t win because I can’t stop! In total I have probably lost 5k or 6k to gambling. I have had to transfer one fifth of the cash from my savings account made by my parents.
This i have done secretely, and secrecy is of course an enormous part of gambling.
I can feel the nawing, the urge to play. But I have self excluded from my 3 sites and I actually feel my stomach turn in disgust at the idea of signing up to other sites, and I flinch at the idea of entering my name address etc on a gambling site; a process that would just make me feel that i am mega relapsing. I have thought of only doing sports betting, which I have not done much of apart from a time where I gradually and in a controlled way won 1200 euro in 2013, just by betting all my winnings on a team scoring in football. But I know it is not a good idea to start this again. In fact I lost those 1.2k in 2013 by goin to online casino section after having lost 200 of those euros on a bet.
I just need to make this rule that i do not put money into betting games of any sort, that i only use money on sure returns, such as buying food or a smartphone for example. Money must be spent reasonnably and that is what i do, as i always check for the cheapest flight etc, and hate it when i feel like i am overpaying for something and therefore do not. In short, I do have an understanding of the value of money. If I manage to quit gambling, then my money spending will be nice and tight. I don't do in casino gambling, because my roulette bets are do dense and complicated to be done physically with other people round the table. I also don't do in person poker games as I have always felt that I would not be able to hide my emotions. I also suffer from a considerable degree of social anxiety, which is complicating things for me professionally. The real danger is online gambling. In fair, my anxiety issues did make me turn to gambling in the sense that i thought this is what could get me sorted financially and I would not need to work. Like may gamblers I am optimistic, and thought I could make it as a professional online poker player. I do feel foolish looking back.
In the process of my gambling issues, they have spun from june 2018 to yesterday, I have had to sell many of my posessions such as my ipad, laptop and a watch i got as a present. I got 900 euros for those but all that money is gone.
The way i look at it now is that I need to respect those savings that i have and just generally respect what money is and not throw it away into gambling. In 2014, when i used to go to the casino casually and rarely(just bet red or black on roulette) and stop at 50 pounds downn, I asked a friend if he wanted to join me and another friend who were going to the casino that evening. He answered in a quite indignated fashion ''Lose money? No way!'' and i picture it all again now and how right he is - don't risk money and don't give the casino a chance to take it from you.
Poker is diferent as technically you are up against other players but the casino does take a share of each pot. Then again it is the same process where I am subjecting my money to the laws of luck, which is just as bad.
This Christmas 2018, I missed so many opportunities due to having lost money and being isolated (I could play poker all day). For example I could have gone to visit friends abroad who were urging me to come. I could have welcomed a girl at my parent's place and gone out with her to show her my city. She was keen to come, I just made up excuses. I have robbed myself of a lot of happiness these past 8 months and I don't want that to happen again. I also want to protect my money and my savings. I am actually glad that I am not in the position where all my saings are gambled away. I am still in a position to protect them.
So, to wrap it up, I am starting on a journey and I want to succeed. No more gambling ever again!

Hello Reddit folk,
I have decided to quit gambling. I last gambled Tuesday 12/02 in the morning but I have excluded myself from my 3 gambling sites. I played Poker and Roulette.
In Poker I used to play a spin and go format, where there is a spin before the game starts. I wagered 100euro and most of the time the jackpot would be 200, sometimes 400 or 600, rarely 1000.
I once went up 1.7k and then lost it all going down to minus 1k. In total I have probably lost 5k or 6k to gambling. I have had to transfer one fifth of the cash from my savings account made by my parents.
This i have done secretely, and secrecy is of course an enormous part of gambling.
I can feel the nawing, the urge to play. But I have self excluded from my 3 sites and I actually feel my stomach turn in disgust at the idea of signing up to other sites, and I flinch at the idea of entering my name address etc on a gambling site; a process that would just make me feel that i am mega relapsing. I have thought of only doing sports betting, which I have not done much of apart from a time where I gradually and in a controlled way won 1200 euro in 2013, just by betting all my winnings on a team scoring in football. But I know it is not a good idea to start this again. In fact I lost those 1.2k in 2013 by goin to online casino section after having lost 200 of those euros on a bet.
I just need to make this rule that i do not put money into betting games of any sort, that i only use money on sure returns, such as buying food or a smartphone for example. Money must be spent reasonnably and that is what i do, as i always check for the cheapest flight etc, and hate it when i feel like i am overpaying for something and therefore do not. In short, I do have an understanding of the value of money.
If I manage to quit gambling, then my money spending will be nice and tight.
I don't do in casino gambling, because my roulette bets are do dense and complicated to be done physically with other people round the table. I also don't do in person poker games as I have always felt that I would not be able to hide my emotions. I also suffer from a considerable degree of social anxiety, which is complicating things for me professionally. The real danger is online gambling. In fair, my anxiety issues did make me turn to gambling in the sense that i thought this is what could get me sorted financially and I would not need to work. Like may gamblers I am optimistic, and thought I could make it as a professional online poker player. I do feel foolish looking back.
In the process of my gambling issues, they have spun from june 2018 to yesterday, I have had to sell many of my posessions such as my ipad, laptop and a watch i got as a present. I got 900 euros for those but all that money is gone.
The way i look at it now is that I need to respect those savings that i have and just generally respect what money is and not throw it away into gambling.
In 2014, when i used to go to the casino casually and rarely(just bet red or black on roulette) and stop at 50 pounds downn, I asked a friend if he wanted to join me and another friend who were going to the casino that evening. He answered in a quite indignated fashion ''Lose money? No way!'' and i picture it all again now and how right he is - don't risk money and don't give the casino a chance to take it from you.
Poker is diferent as technically you are up against other players but the casino does take a share of each pot. Then again it is the same process where I am subjecting my money to the laws of luck, which is just as bad.
This Christmas 2018, I missed so many opportunities due to having lost money and being isolated (I could play poker all day). For example I could have gone to visit friends abroad who were urging me to come. I could have welcomed a girl at my parent's place and gone out with her to show her my city. She was keen to come, I just made up excuses.
I have robbed myself of a lot of happiness these past 8 months and I don't want that to happen again. I also want to protect my money and my savings. I am actually glad that I am not in the position where all my saings are gambled away. I am still in a position to protect them.
I am currently volunteering abroad till end of July on a survival wage. It’s very chill and fun, meeting loads of people etc. My parents are urging me to get a job after this as I am going to turn 27 years old in April. I only had a real job once and that lasted one month because I got fired. I did not enjoy the job and my social anxiety was making it awful.
So, to wrap it up, I am starting on a journey and I want to succeed. No more gambling ever again!

Hi guys! So I was on the /rupaulsdragrace sub and I got so inspired by u/evilsnowcookie's "Where Are They Now" post that I decided to incorporate that idea for ANTM
  So this will be a compilation of the different websites and news articles, as well as posts from the girls' social media accounts on what they are up to these days. Maybe if you guys enjoy this, I'd consider making one for the succeeding seasons but for now, lets reminisce on the girls from Cycle 1.
 
  Name: Tessa Carlson Placed: 10th Age: 33 First Call Outs: 0 Bottom 2: 1 Twitter Followers: N/A Instagram Followers: 521 (@tessacarlson) Tessa Carlson on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 1 Tessa was a contestant on the first season of America’s Next Top Model. She, along with fellow model Giselle, were the only models of the cycle who were not part of the pool of 20 semi-finalists (they were scouted for and joined the cast after a separate audition). During her brief stint on the show, she was shown to bond with fellow contestant Adrianne Curry through smoking after moving into their NYC Apartment. At their first photo shoot for swimsuits from J.Lo by Jennifer Lopez, photographer Elizabeth Moss commented that “She probably had people teach her how to model the wrong way … that was her problem.” In the end, she was eliminated for lacking a dominant personality and her inability to pose.
  POST-TOP MODEL After the show, Tessa modeled for Noah Kalina and Joey Quintero, but has since decided not to pursue modelling. Despite being eliminated after the first photo shoot, she was included in the next photo shoot for Stuff Magazine, but was not shown in the episode. Since the show premiered in 2003, Tessa has gotten married and has focused on being a mother to two beautiful children.
  Name: Katie Cleary Placed: 9th Age: 36 First Call Outs: 0 Bottom 2: 1 Twitter Followers: 47.1k (@katie_cleary) Instagram Followers: 29.2k (@katiecleary11) Katie Cleary on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 1 Katie was a contestant on the first season of America’s Next Top Model. During the casting week, she was called fifth out the eight finalists for the first season (Tyra and the producers planned for 10 models to move into the NYC apartment, but could only agree on 8. The last 2 were scouted in a separate audition). She was eliminated in the second episode for because the judges felt the she photographed too sexy.
  POST-TOP MODEL Katie has been busy since the show’s premiere in 2003. She’s appeared in spreads for Maxim online, Rukus magazine, Marie Claire, Lifestyle magazine, and Vegan lifestyle magazine among others. She has appeared in over a dozen national advertising campaigns for brands such as InterContinental Hotels, Sketchers, Elastiderm Skin Care, AT&T, Nike, Chandon Champagne, Supreme Protein, Cadillac, ProActive, Payless, and as part of the Refreshment Duo for Labatt's Blue Light. She has since landed a role on NBC’s Deal or no Deal where she starred for over four years. She has hosted shows on the TV Guide Channel, E! News Now, as well the travel show “Get Out,” on HDTV. Katie has also has roles on popular TV shows such as CSI NY, Las Vegas, Entourage, *Rules of Engagement, Chuck, Working Class and more recently on How To Get Away With Murder and Two And A Half Men. She is currently represented by Paradigm Talent Agency, Abstract Talent Agency, and CESD Talent.
  Katie is also a philanthropist, founding the Peace4Animals organization. She is also an award winning creator and producer of the documentary Give Me Shelter which premiered on Netflix in 2015. Katie is also the Founder & Producer of the network World Animal News on the popular animal news site WorldAnimalNews.com.
  Since the show, Katie has dated Evan Liss and Gregg Pitt. She was also married to married to Andrew Stern from 2010 until his death in 2014.
  Name: Nicole Nastazio, née Panattoni Placed: 8th Age: 37 First Call Outs: 0 Bottom 2: 1 Twitter Followers: 3,280 (@NicolePanattoni) Instagram Followers: 6,172 (@nicolepanattoni)
  ANTM CYCLE 1 Katie was a contestant on the first season of America’s Next Top Model. During the casting week, she was called first out the eight finalists for the first season (Tyra and the producers planned for 10 models to move into the NYC apartment, but could only agree on 8. The last 2 were scouted in a separate audition). She was eliminated in the third episode due to her lack of commitment (in both her photo shoot and in the makeover).
  POST-TOP MODEL After Cycle 1 aired, Nicole appeared in several maternity catalogs and magazines. Like all the girls from this cycle, she has appeared in a spread for Stuff Magazine. She has appeared in Maxim, Rebel Ink Magazine, ePregnancy, and Surf Illustrated. Nicole has also modeled for Yandy Lingerie, Bikinilicious.com, Nordstrom, Due Maternity, Gnar Lube, For Issuez, Inc., Top Floorr, & La Isla couture. She has been featured in advertisements for Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas and for Palm’s Casino Resort.
  Nicole has started Bronzed Body SD, Mobile Sunless Tan Mobile Spray Tan servicing all of North County SD. She has also been featured as one of the models on “Deal Or No Deal”, and has appeared on The X Life with boyfriend BMX rider Cory Nastazio. The couple has 2 beautiful children and recently tied the knot in October 2017.
  Name: Ebony Haith Placed: 7th Age: 38 First Call Outs: 1 Bottom 2: 2 Twitter Followers: 464 (@EbonyHaith) Instagram Followers: 539 (@haithebony) Ebony Haith on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 1 When Ebony became one of the finalists in America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 1, she was met with harsh criticism from the two very devout Christian ANTM finalists, Robin and Shannon. The conflict escalated when Ebony’s partner dropped by the house, further angering Shannon and Robin. Things turned uglier for Ebony during the judging, as she became the fourth contestant eliminated. The judges reasoned that it was Ebony’s weak performance that drove them to cut her from the show. Source
  POST-TOP MODEL After the show, Ebony was signed onto Downtown Model Management, before moving on to Uptown Model Management (UMM) and Models Management Group (MMG). Currently, I’m not sure what agency she is signed to. She has walked in fashion shows for SA-SHEA and Ice Blue. She’s been shot by photographers such as Quavondo Nguyen, Isabelle Choi, and Umari Jason and has appeared in spreads for Esquire, and Height Magazine. She has also appeared in appeared in Real Gay (a 2005 TV film) and Violet Tendencies (A 2010 movie). According to her instagram, she has shot her first sports shoot/TV show.
  Name: Giselle Samson Placed: 6th Age: 33 First Call Outs: 0 Bottom 2: 2 Twitter Followers: 249 (@GiselleSamson) Instagram Followers: 1,295 (@GiselleBelle84) Giselle Samson on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 1 Giselle was a contestant on the first season of America’s Next Top Model. She, along with fellow model Tessa, were the only models of the cycle who were not part of the pool of 20 semi-finalists (they were scouted for and joined the cast after a separate audition).During the fifth week of Cycle 1, both Giselle and fellow finalist Ebony fell into the bottom 2. Giselle was spared as Ebony was sent home, but her performance the following week betrayed her lack of confidence. Her photos with 2003 NFL Rookie of the Year Clinton Portis were not impressive enough to convince the judges to keep her, and so she became the fifth finalist to be cut from the show. Tyra said it was her lack of confidence that hindered her performance. Source
  POST-TOP MODEL After her season aired, Giselle appeared in SWITCH magazine and modeled for the brand Simply Fashion. Giselle was also a model on Deal or No Deal, has hosted segments on the Tyra Banks Show, Fox Sport's Net's "54321", and has appeared on TV shows such as Chuck, The Bold and The Beautiful, the short “Black?”, and has attended The 18th Annual Soul Train Music Awards. As a dancer, she has performed in Disney’s Fantasmic and in Pitbull’s music video Blanco, as well as dance for late Michael Jackson’s 45th birthday celebration. These days, according to her LinkedIn, she works as an Account Executive at HireTalent Executive Search, Temporary Staffing, Recruiting & SOW and is the founder of GLS Enterprises LLC, as well as the CEO of Kiss the Planet. She is currently listed as a model on the Trade Show Models (TSM) agency website.
  Name: Kesse Wallace Placed: 5th Age: 35 First Call Outs: 1 Bottom 2: 2 Twitter Followers: N/A Instagram Followers: N/A Kesse Wallace on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 1 During the sixth week, the show flew Kesse and the other remaining Top Model finalists to Paris, where they were asked to pose with a male model wearing only lingerie. The challenge allowed a number of Parisian designers to view the models, and although all of them tried their best to produce spectacular pictures, the judges felt that Kesse did not possess enough desire to advance in the competition. Consequently, Kesse became the sixth finalist to be eliminated. Source
  POST-TOP MODEL As of late, Kesse has been keeping a relatively low profile. Since appearing on the show, Kesse has gone on to work under the management of Gilla Roos (but closed in 2009). Her runway projects include Yeohlee Teng Fall 2005/Spring 2006, Renee Larc for Milan and Francis Hendy. Kesse has also graced the pages of King Magazine and Complex Magazine and has appeared in a Church’s Chicken television commercial. She has also appeared in King Magazine and in Complex Magazine.
  Name: Robin Manning Placed: 4th Age: 41 First Call Outs: 0 Bottom 2: 1 Twitter Followers: 208 (@Robbyne) Instagram Followers: 554 (@robbynemanning) Robin Manning on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 1 Being a Devout Christian like her fellow finalist Shannon Stewart, Robin often criticized the other girls when she felt that they were doing something immoral. She was extremely affected when openly gay model Ebony brought her partner to the house. On the seventh week, the challenge was to pose nude for a jewelry advertisement. She, along with Shannon, refused to participate, saying that it was against her morals. Consequently, she was eliminated from the show, becoming the seventh contestant to be cut. Source
  POST-TOP MODEL Robin, who now goes by the name Robbyne, has kept a relatively low profile since the show. She was the only contestant whose photos were not included in the Stuff Magazine shoot featured during the third episode (even though Tessa, the first contestant eliminated, was included in the issue). After her appearance on the show, Robin went on to do a Baby Phat fashion show with Elyse and Kesse. She was featured in the July 2003 issue of the TV Guide, on the cover of the 2003 Holiday Issue of Grace, as well as appear next to Janice Dickinson in an issue of O. She has also appeared in the popular soap, The Young and the Restless, and the films, Without You and Holla. Robin is pursuing an acting career and has been in two movies. She did some church-related print work and some test shots, as well as a pictorial for Especially Yours, but is not currently with an agency. Robin’s name was once again brought to the attention in the media in 2014 when Dominic Jeffries (together with his 6 year old sister) went missing from Manning’s home. Robin is the child’s legal guardian, but it is not certain why (Dominic’s mother and Robin know each other from pre-school).
  Name: Elyse Sewell Placed: 3rd Age: 35 First Call Outs: 2 Bottom 2: 2 Twitter Followers: N/A Instagram Followers: 1,031 (@_elysesewell) Elyse Sewell on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 1 Sewell's was a contestant on the first cycle of America's Next Top Model. She was known on the show as the "edgy pre-med student". She placed third, after Adrianne Curry and Shannon Stewart. She was eliminated due to the fact that her intelligence came across as “derogatory”, despite her high fashion look. Her infamous confessional clip from the show, in which she expressed a profanity-laden rant against the people on the show, earned her 16th place on E!'s Most Outrageous TV Moments in 2005. She attributes this outburst to the unusual requirement on the show to voice one's private thoughts and to soliloquize in a "confessional booth".
  POST-TOP MODEL Elyse is probably the most successful girl out of all the contestants on Cycle 1. As a model, Elyse has been incredibly successful, especially in Asia where she has had print advertisements for Giordano, Chanel and Chow Sang Sang Jewelry and appeared on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar Hong Kong. Sewell’s first book, Beauty and The Biz: The International Adventures of America's Third-to-Next Top Model, based in part on her LiveJournal Weblog, was published in Hong Kong in 2006. She appeared in multiple book signings across Hong Kong. She has been featured in advertisements for brands such as Azona, Chow Sang Sang, Dao, Darquer, DTC Diamonds, Flair by Joc, Giordano, iMaroon, Mae Von, Motorola, Paule Ka, Sa Sa CyberColors, and Staccato.
  Overseas, Elyse has been signed with Zucca Tokyo, ZEM Osaka, Mannequin Singapore, Model Genesis Hong Kong, Chadwicks Sydney, Eye For I Milan, Dream Models Hong Kong and Elite Santiago. Locally, Elyse has also been signed with Wilhelmina West Models, M4 Models, Q6 Models Portland, Model One (Hong Kong), Studio KLRP Paris, Seattle’s Model Guild, M4 Hamburg, Good Fashion Shenzhen and Model 1.
  Elyse dated Martin Crandall of the Shins until January 2008, when he allegedly assaulted her in a Sacramento hotel. Both Crandall and Elyse were charged with felony domestic assault, though their cases were later dismissed. Previously, Elyse told the Singapore Straits Times in an interview that she had dumped her boyfriend because he cheated on her while she was working in Japan, though they reconciled shortly afterwards. She’s not active on social media, and only has an instagram (which was last updated in 2015). A facebook page pops up if you search her name on facebook, however, I’m not sure if she runs it or if it is a fan account. She also participated in a Reddit AMA where she spoke about her experiences on the show.
  Name: Shannon Ratcliff, née Stewart Placed: 2nd (Cycle 1)/6th (Cycle 17) Age: 33 First Call Outs: 3 (Cycle 1)/0 (Cycle 17) Bottom 2: 2 (Cycle 1)/2 (Cycle 17) Twitter Followers: 17.3k (@ShannonStewart1) Instagram Followers: 12.5k (@shannonstewartratcliff) Shannon Stewart on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 1 Stewart competed on the first season of America's Next Top Model. In the first week of competition, Shannon landed in the bottom two and if she hadn't won that week's challenge, she would have been eliminated. However, the following two weeks Shannon received two consecutive first call-outs, and performed consistently in the following weeks. But, in the semi-finals during a nude photoshoot in Paris, Shannon and fellow contestant Robin Manning caused controversy when they refused to take part in the photoshoot because of their Christian faith. However, this did not hinder Stewart's progression in the competition finishing second overall to Adrianne Curry. Source.
  Shannon later appeared during a fashion show during the show’s 7th season, in the 8th cycle of the show as a guest for one of the photo shoots, and was also the only contestant from Cycle 1 to be invited to participate in the All Star cycle.
  ANTM CYCLE 17 In 2011, Shannon was invited back to participate in the first All-Star edition of the show, together with several other returning models from the different seasons. Stewart placed 6th overall in the All-Star competition after confusing the judges for refusing to wear lingerie that looked like a bathing suit while allowing herself to be photographed in a skimpier bathing suit in a previous week. She was the only model in the top 6 to have not won best photo.
  POST-TOP MODEL Since America’s Next Top Model, Shannon has modeled for Harmony Bell Boutique, Nuj Novakhett, Macy’s, Dillard’s, Sephora, Bakers Shoes, Speedo, and Allyson Smith Jewelry.
  She has appeared in magazines such as Elle Girl Magazine, Teen Vogue, Sydney Magazine, Six Degrees Magazine, and Ford Fusion. Shannon has appeared on the cover of Nashville Lifestyles Weddings, Arizona Foothills Magazine, and Sound & Vision Magazine.
  Her runway shows include Richard Tyler, Alvin Valley (2004), Alice and Olivia (2006), Sprite Street Couture (2006), and Elle Girl presents Dare To Be You: Wal-Mart Meets America’s Next Top Models (2005), Fashion Institute of Technology (2006), Gustavo Arango (2006), Alice Dobson (2006) and Olympus Fashion Week (2006).
  During Cycle 8, Shannon told the contestants that she had switched over to Elite Model Management in Chicago. She was also signed to Bleu Model Management. Fashion Model Directory states that she is currently signed to Major Model Management in New York and Factor Women in Chicago. Nowadays, Shannon actively interacts with her fans through her different social media handles, and runs her own personal blog. She has been married to Matthew Ratcliff, a fellow Christian model, since 2007.
  Name: Adrianne Curry Placed: 1st Age: 35 First Call Outs: 1 Bottom 2: 2 Twitter Followers: 416k (@AdrianneCurry) Instagram Followers: 132k (@AdrianneCurry) Adrianne Curry on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 1 Adrianne Curry competed on the first season of America's Next Top Model. She beat out fellow contestant Shannon Stewart. After her stint on ANTM, Curry has been very outspoken about her time on the show . Curry told various interviewers, including Steppin Out Magazine, that she wasn’t given the Revlon modeling contract that she was supposed to get as winner, and that “Tyra really didn't help us out and the show didn't put any money into us.” She even went as far as saying that “Basically, it was our show that saved the network and it was the biggest show ever…We trusted Tyra, but we've all been screwed over.”
  POST-TOP MODEL Nowadays, Curry continues to act, model, and do cosplay. She was signed to Wilhelmina Models in New York City. She has modeled for several magazines, including Life & Style Weekly, In Touch, Sync Magazine, Us Weekly, Star, OK!, Stuff, People, Maxim (and made the Maxim Hot 100 list in 2005), both the North American and Spanish editions of Marie Claire, Lucky Magazine, Supermodels Unlimited, Agenda Magazine, Von Dutch, Von Dutch Watches, Salon City, Macy's, Famous Stars and Straps, Lucky, Ed Hardy, Kinis Bikinis, NailPro, Beverly Hills Choppers, and Merit Diamonds. In 2016, she was briefly signed on to LA Models, however, she was quickly dropped from their roster. According to her personal website, where she constantly updates her blog, she is also works as an avon lady.
  Curry's runway shows include Anne Bowen Spring 2005, Jaime Pressly, Pamela Anderson's line, Ed Hardy, Von Dutch, and Christopher Deane. She has appeared in a commercial for the Merit Diamonds Sirena Collection that ran from November 2004 to January 2006.
  She appeared on the cover and in a nude pictorial for the American edition Playboy in February 2006. She returned for a second cover and nude pictorial in the January 2008 issue. Curry made Playboy´s 2008 top 25 sexiest women, along with the top 100 Playboy spreads 2008 edition. In late 2006, Curry modeled for a technological demo created by Nvidia to showcase their video cards. She is a spokesmodel for The Flex Belt with Denise Richards.
  Curry was a co-host on the television game show Ballbreakers. In 2006, she appeared on Gameshow Marathon as a celebrity panelist on the Match Game episode. She starred in Rock Me Baby (2004) and Half & Half (2003) on UPN. Curry also appeared on Dirt starring Courteney Cox, with whom she shared scenes. She appeared in rock band's The Click Five's music video "Just the Girl", along with her then husband Christopher Knight. She has also starred in the films Fallen Angels, Light Years Away and Jack Rio. In early 2005, Curry appeared on VH1's fourth season of The Surreal Life. On September 11, 2005, VH1 began airing My Fair Brady, a show that documented their life together and paid her an estimated US$450,000. The show led her to being featured in Maxim's Hot 100, a list of the "hottest" women on earth. and ranked #100 on the Maxim Hot 100 Women of 2005.
  Adrianne loves cosplay and video games. Between November and December 2010, Curry worked as the Resident Celebrity Gamer panelist judge on the second series of The Tester, a reality program on the PlayStation Network. She has returned to the panel in the third series which began on the 7th February 2012. Curry hosted live coverage of Blizzcon for Direct TV in 2011, as well as hosting live from E3 for Namco Bandai in both 2011 and 2012.
  Christopher Knight proposed to Curry on the season finale of My Fair Brady, on VH1, which aired on November 6, 2005. The show was renewed for a second season that began in June 2006, and focused on the couple's wedding preparations. In 2007, Curry and Knight appeared on the Dr. Phil Show to discuss their marital issues on an episode dealing with large age gaps in relationships. Dr. Phil predicted that their style of arguing, particularly Knight's hurtful comments, was a strong predictor of impending divorce in couples.The couple announced their separation on May 29, 2011. The couple filed for divorce on August 19, 2011 and it became final in 2013. As of 2017, she is currently engaged to Matthew Rhode.

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The Technology and Platform on Which ONIZ Token Runs ONIZ Token, a decentralized payment system runs on Smart Contracts system and it is Ethereum-based. Its currency name is ONIZ token and the ticker is ONZ. It runs on an approval multiple-chain application wallet system technique.
How ONIZ Token is Distributed The total volume of ONIZ token in circulation is 8 billion tokens. 5 billion of it will be distributed. Of this 5 billion, 2.7 billion ONZ will go for public initial token offering (ITO) where free ONZ will be airdropped to coin holders. The remaining 2.3 billion ONZ goes into ONIZ Fund. This part of token will be utilized in payment of interest that accumulates on the capital commitments as well as the ecosystems. Some of it will also be used to make payment for partners. The 3 billion token left of the total volume of 8 billion ONZ is locked by the developers in order to ensure that ONZ tokens dies not dump in the market. It is used as a tool to balance the invisible forces of demand and supply of ONZ token in the cryptocurrency market. However, some of it can as well be used for the execution of some internal projects if ONZ.
What Else Can ONIZ Token be Used For? Aside from helping in sports project development, ONIZ can as well be used to incorporate standalone bespoke Artificial Intelligence system into the world of sport betting. Using a determined amount of ONIZ token, one can have get precise sport betting details that can guarantee winnings up to 80% assurance.
Regardless of the genre of the football game, combining real-instance extrapolations as well as ratio forecast based on bookies, the Artificial Intelligence of ONIZ network offers the most-appropriate choosing rate that can even guarantee 85% success.
Roadmap of ONIZ Token ONIZ token plans to use the first quarter of the year 2019 to organize an Initial Token Offering and develop a technological framework for ONIZ.
The second quarter of the year was planned for broadcasting the details of the ITO as well as the launching of ONIZ Fund Investment platform. In the third quarter, the plan is to unveil the Artificial Intelligence System as well as the multitasking payment system. The last quarter of the year will be used to launch international money sending networks through ONIZ using Bank Wire Incorporating Platform.
Conclusion ONIZ is a payment platform that uses advanced technological system for predicting sports outcome. The ONZ token, the local currency of the platform is used in making payment for all activities on the ecosystem. Users are also rewarded using the ONZ token.
For more information please visit
Website https://oniz.co/
Telegram https://t.me/Onizco
Twitter https://twitter.com/Onizco
App download on Android http://oniz.co/download/Oniz_1.0.apk
App download on iOS http://itms-services//?action=download-manifest&url=https://oniz.co/download/app.plist
Writer's bitcointalk profile link https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?action=profile;u=2047938;sa=summary

There are some of us that wish to develop a project but we lack the funds to push it on. All thanks to the blockchain and crypto system that came up. Raising of funds for startup project started since the era of ICO. In 2017, it is popularly known as ICO year because all projects were profitable then; investors were smiling and the project developers too were happy because they were able to get the kind of startup funds they admire to have from investors. However, ICO is no longer profitable and investors has lost the trust of supporting the project developers startup funds they need in building their project. Oniz has developed a new means which is far better and viable than the ICO and IEO business. They make us understand that the era of ICO and IEO has gone and it is now the new era called ITO.
WHY DO ONIZ ADOPT THE CONCEPT OF ITO?
Oniz adopt the concept of ITO to support the weakened ICO and IEO which are not moving market anymore. We could all remember how project developers where about to raise funds easily through an ICO as of 2017, but after 2017 to end of 2018, ICO fade off. Investors got discouraged in investing on ICO because it is not profitable. The annoying part is that scammers has taken over ICO, many fake people do create project just to raise funds without the intention of building a real product. Early 2019, IEO system of raising funds surface, but this does not last long before it faded. So the ITO is the only viable concept of raising funds for development of a project. The ITO opens varieties of crypto market and it is very commendable to adopt if you really want to make an investment with guaranteed profits.
ONIZ is going to be the first platform for ITO activities. The platform will serve as an ITO ecosystem which guarantee project developers to easily acquire a startup funds from investors. The investors will be eager to invest on ITO concept of investment because it has a clear profit model and plan with ultimate structure.
INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITIES IN ONIZ PLATFORM
Oniz was built by a team of expertise which are Pioneers in their various related fields. They see that there a lot of investment opportunities in the gaming sector, so they therefore opens such opportunity for investors in gaming sector. This means there is an ITO program that feature investing on gaming such as on-line sports, casino and online sport betting. This type of investment brings a lot of profits to investors and there is a tendency for them to make upto 30% of their starting capital. Oniz will put in place measures to make sure investors win with a bigger odd. The Oniz artificial intelligence algorithm will make that possible and it will guarantee investors about 80 to 85% chance of winning.
There is also an insurance for the funds of investors. So here no lost unlike the previous ICO and IEO that does not have any policy. The Oniz ITO program insure the funds of investors by presenting a buyback clause on the ONIZ token. The platform is very transparent and all their policy a clear to everybody. The investors won't be scared of losing their money either the market value of the token goes down or not, simply because the Oniz platform will buyback their token.
CONCLUSION
The Oniz ITO ideology is the real hope for investors to earn adequate profits they admire and it is also the best means of project developers to raise a startup funds. The platform is ruining on a clear concept which guarantee that the investors can never lose their assets while making an investment through this platform. If you have a project in mind but you don't know where or how to get a startup funds, it is high time you approach Oniz.
Get more information about Oniz here:
Website: https://oniz.co/
ANN Thread: https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?topic=5165733.msg51844051
WhitePaper: https://oniz.co/oniz/img/English-1.pdf
Telegram group: https://t.me/Onizco
Telegram Channel: https://t.me/OnizCo1
Twitter: https://twitter.com/Onizco
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pg/oniz.coo
Download in Playstore: http://oniz.co/download/Oniz_1.0.apk
Download on App Store: http://itms-services//?action=download-manifest&url=https://oniz.co/download/app.plist
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djPkguqCKzQ
Author: Bitcointalk Username: Leema
Bitcointalk Profile Link: https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?action=profile;u=1863050;sa=summary

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I own stock in Atari, therefore I try to follow their projects.
They have offices in the U.S. but are based out of France, so most of the chatter online I have to run through Google translate.
I have noticed a trend in their projects which ties together nicely- speculative at this point yes, but the entire market is speculative really (invest in a company hoping they will profit, grow, expand, etc).
So here is what I have so far- lets discuss possibilities.

1- Atari is already involved in real money gambling, both online and in casinos. One of their partners is Pariplay. Reference- http://www.pariplayltd.com/legend-lives-pariplay-atari-launch-atari-pong-online-slot/ "Pong is the latest video arcade classic from Atari® to be honoured with an action-packed online slot, featuring non-stop excitement and plenty of big win potential. Pariplay’s previous Atari®-branded releases include Asteroids®, Star Raiders® and Black Widow®."

2- Pariplay just signed a deal with Foxwoods casino. Reference- https://www.reviewed-casinos.com/news/pariplay-foxwoods-igaming-platform-tie/ "Gaming tech firm Pariplay has partnered Foxwoods Resort Casino in what it considers a landmark technology agreement.

... enabling guests at North America's largest resort casino to enjoy digital gaming on-property
... provide guests access to a myriad of digital games, including branded titles Atari Pong, X-O Manowar and Atari Asteroids via a Foxwoods-branded mobile application and web portal.

3- Atari just released this- (again google translated)

"Paris, France - February 8, 2018. The Atari Group announces two major development projects in the field of blockchains and crypto-currencies, with a shareholding in a crypto-platform and the creation of a dedicated Token ("Atari Token"), and on the other hand the upcoming launch of casino platforms offering crypto-currency game options.
Acquisition of a stake in Infinity Networks Ltd (Gibraltar) and creation of Atari Token Atari took a 15% stake, with a 17.5% stake in Infinity Networks, Ltd. (Gibraltar). This investment, made without cash disbursement by Atari, demonstrates the appeal of the Atari brand. Infinity Networks, Ltd. (Gibraltar), a company founded by a team of veteran Entertainment and Finance industry veterans and led by Ron Dimant and Daniel Doll-Steinberg, has an advisory board that brings together leading figures from foreground in the field of blockchains. The company is developing a decentralized platform giving access to any form of digital entertainment, ie a very wide offer ranging from video games to movies and music. This platform, under development, will work using cryptocurrency, the Atari Token. In exchange for these equity interests, earnings and future royalties, Atari has granted Infinity Networks, Ltd. (Gibraltar) a long-term license to use the Atari brand.
"Blockchains technology is poised to take a very important place in our environment and to transform, if not revolutionize, the current economic ecosystem, especially in the areas of the video game industry and online transactions," he said. Frédéric Chesnais, CEO of Atari, SA. "Given our technological strengths with the development studios, and the global reputation of the Atari brand, we have the opportunity to position ourselves attractively in this sector. Our objective is to take strategic positions with a limited cash risk, in order to optimize the assets and the Atari brand ".
The second project in progress is the strengthening of the partnership with Pariplay, Ltd in the launch in 2018 of casino platforms allowing players to bet either in real money or with most crypto-currencies currently outstanding. . These casino sites will offer many Atari games. To broaden the appeal of these new casinos, and once the Atari Token available, Atari has the project to launch Pong Token, a second Token dedicated to crypto-casinos and usable on these gaming sites. The details of this launch of crypto-casinos will be announced soon.

4- Chairman and CEO of Atari is 'advisor' to Virt-U

https://www.virt-u.io/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/One-Pager-Ver-04.pdf
https://www.virt-u.io/
https://medium.com/virt-u/the-way-virt-u-is-changing-the-ico-landscape-fb953079eec7

5- We all know the widespread knowledge that Atari & AMD are partnered on the upcoming Atari home gaming console- confirmed by AMD to be using a Ryzen chip.

SOO...again this is all speculation by me, but this console could not only be used for normal games, but possibly be involved with the Atari token both in transactions, gaming, mining, and even gambling.
Lots to chew on. Lots that would need to fall into place. Lots of chances of failures. But if it all ties together like it appears it could do...they just may be consolidating what at initial glance would be diversified projects.
Thoughts?

My name is Sam. I'm 24 years old and on September 1st, 2014 my girlfriend of 9 months broke up with me and I've never been the same since. Now I get it, this happens to everyone and nobody likes it right? Well yeah it does, but every case is different and people deal with it and react to it differently. Here you will find my personal story and why this experience has cut me so deeply.
It all starts as far back as when I was 7 years old. In grade 2, I was just like any normal kid, I was energetic, mischievous and generally a happy little boy. I have memories of me playing around and making jokes and doing silly things with girls and boys alike. I enjoyed the attention and being accepted in that way made me happy. Come Grade 3 and a lot of things change. Around this time, my situation at home wasn't the greatest. My dad was angry, my parents would yell, fight, and argue right in front of me and my dad would take a lot of his frustrations out on me. I distinctly remember being fearful of my dad because I knew the next physical attack on me could be at any moment. He would hit me with belts...we had a lot of them around the house. The flick of his wrist was enough to make me bleed. I remember going around the house and hiding every belt I could find so he couldn't use them on me…not that it made a difference. Being pulled up by the ear and thrown into a wall is just as painful really.
So I’m afraid of my dad at home, I listen to my parents argue all the time and I try to lock myself in my room hoping that my dad cant find a key to unlock it. At school, I find that I’m thrust into a classroom where I know nobody from my previous year and I’m left to fend for myself. I don’t cope particularly well. I’m mostly a loner in class and I just keep to myself. I did actually make one friend. His name was Aaron. This friend meant a lot to me, he was my only ally in and out of class and he would often bring lunch money to school with him whereas I always brought my own lunchbox. This was cool because from time to time he would offer to buy me an ice cream with his spare money, and me being the little kid that I was, that was an amazing offer. The problem, however, is that he would always be the one paying for me. Eventually it got to the point where he grew a dislike for me saying “oh I see your just using me for my money”. Of course, I felt guilty for ‘taking his money’ but it really wasn't my intention. I could never repay the favour because I never had money with me and even if I did, I was too shy and nervous to buy one anyway! Our friendship broke and I was alone. I became increasingly anxious around people and retreated inward. I’m sure my home situation had something to do with these feelings as well.
So I go through most of my primary school life feeling really out of place and awkward. I met a couple of good friends (that are still my friends today) but the social anxiety just grew stronger and stronger. In 2003 I started high school. The higher demand of responsibility that came with high school was not something I welcomed. People around me were maturing, becoming increasingly independent and self-sufficient but I stayed the same. I was still that scared little kid inside that had their mum make lunch for me every morning. I really felt like I did not belong even more and me being overweight certainly didn't help – especially when it came to Phys Ed. I hated this class. It was headed up by an old-school sociopathic Asian dictator that used fear as a tool to deter students from misbehaving in his class. I would always be late to class because we had to get changed in the change rooms before coming in and…in these change rooms I was bullied. People would kick my door in while I was changing, lock me inside and whatever else they could do to make my life miserable. I was already a nervous wreck in a normal class room but Phys Ed change rooms were hell.
Of course, my lovely Phys Ed teacher would use his cruel tactic to single me out in front of everyone for being late to class and would get me to stand up holding my heavy bag while everyone else would sit down and watch me. On the off chance I wasn’t late to class, I sucked at sports anyway and the idea of playing in a ‘team sport’ out on the field (sometimes shirtless) where you demonstrated your physical strengths and qualities was basically my worst nightmare. I despised this class.
Luckily, the bullying didn't last long. Some of them left the school and I guess the others just found some new targets to harass. I managed to cope though. I started up an online MMORPG that was totally awesome. I’ve always been a smart guy and this game rewarded intelligence and perseverance and being in an ONLINE gaming environment back in 2003 was the most amazing thing in the world. It was the one thing I looked forward to doing each day. I was exceedingly good at it and I found a lot of self-worth and satisfaction through playing this game. I played it constantly every day after school. It was my escape.
With this coping mechanism though, came a dependence. I didn’t go to school excursions, the river cruise, the school ball. I didn’t make new friends male or female, I didn’t hang out after school, and I was still an anxious mess in any scenario that anyone my age would find completely normal. And when I say anxious, I mean “I feel like I’m going to vomit, I’m shaking and I cant speak” type of anxious…and this would occur simply by the thought of having to buy something from the lunch lady. Clearly I was not normal and did not fit in. I knew that, I had accepted it would always be this way and I was fine with it because I had this game that made me happy so who cares right? Besides, on the outside I managed to fake my way through pretty well, I definitely hid my anxiety quite well even though I was dying inside.
High school ends in 2007. Best day ever right? Well yeah it was! No more Phys Ed, no more in-class essays or speeches. In my mind this meant I could play this MMORPG all day every day and I wouldn’t have to be afraid of anything anymore. So that’s what I did. I played the game at least 12 hours a day for an entire year, I pretty much didn’t leave the house unless I absolutely had to. Throughout the year, my mum would express concern that I was getting overweight, pale skinned and all that kind of stuff and my dad would call me lazy and tell me to study something or get a job. He had no idea that the thought of either one of those was like signing a death warrant to me, he just perceived it as laziness.
So after that year passes, I am pretty much forced to do something by my parents and I sort of start to acknowledge that my current lifestyle cannot possibly last forever. I study a double major in Mathematics and Computer Science. I’m good at both subjects, always have been. I got the top student award for Calculus for my year group and I've been playing games/using computers since as far back as I can remember! I am not good at socializing however, I am still that scared little boy inside. I don’t have my drivers licence and I have no idea how to take a train or a bus. My mum would pick me up and drop me off at uni. If she couldn’t take me for some reason then I would simply skip class. The idea of getting there myself was not an option to consider. Actually scratch that. I just stopped going to class altogether. What was the point? Most lectures were recorded and posted online and for those that weren’t, I had google to learn from. I’m smart enough to make my way through my classes this way and it saves me on travel time/money, it doesn’t inconvenience my mum and I don’t have to put myself in an anxiety provoking environment. Sounds like win-win-win to me. I went through my whole course this way, I never made an acquaintance, let-alone a friend.
My whole life story changes drastically near the end of 2011. At this point I’ve played this MMORPG for at least 8 years, and its actually starting to get boring. I push the games limits by hacking/exploiting it in an attempt to keep the game interesting but I eventually get caught and all my accounts are banned permanently. I lose EVERYTHING. Honestly, I didn’t even really care. The game was boring anyway. The thing I didn’t expect though was that I suddenly had SO MUCH time on my hands and I had nothing to fill it with. I was bored out of my mind. I started spending all day on my laptop learning new things and new skills just for the sake of it. I taught myself the piano, learnt about human psychology and medication, physics, new programming techniques, random nature facts, nutrition, exercise routines. I even had a phase where I learned about all the infamous serial killers of the past.
It really hit home though when I started reading about university/college life and how most people say its one of the best times of their lives. Its where people make fun memories, lifelong friends, have awesome parties with people, meet their potential life partners and what not. I didn’t do any of that…hell I didn’t know where the library was. It was a wake-up call. “You are different from everyone else. You have not experienced life, you don’t fit in and you are nobody”. I fell into a very deep depression. I wanted to kill myself, I had nothing to live for and any attempt at change was blocked by soul crushing anxiety.
An old high school friend’s birthday ticks by and I take a look on Facebook. He gets a long list of “Happy Birthday” messages from so many different people. My birthday is a couple of days later…I get about 6 messages from people I haven’t seen in years. I’m certain they only posted in the first place because FB makes them aware that my birthday was that day. I don’t care about FB likes or anything like that but this response (or lack of) was a pretty clear reflection of my loneliness. My 22nd birthday was one of the worst days of my life. All it did was remind me how alone I am and how time is running out. I decide that I need to make a change and that I cannot live on like this. I also decide to make this change naturally, without synthetic drugs and other 'quick fixes'. I read everything there is to know about depression, suicide and social anxiety. I came across a social anxiety forum and made an account there.
I learn that Social Anxiety is actually a recognised mental illness of which treatment is available! I start seeing a counselor at my university and I begin making progress. Small steps at first but eventually onto bigger things. I begin an exercise and diet routine and stick to it like glue. I feel like I’m slowly becoming ‘normal’ – the end goal of mine. I frequent the SA forum often, keeping up to date with others peoples trials and tribulations and one day I run into this girl in the chat group. She messages me, her name is Kat. She is from the same city as me and we instantly hit it off. Something about this girl is special, I cant put my finger on it but I always enjoy talking with her. She understands anxiety, she has her own struggles with it so we can relate with that. She says shes hosting a bowling meetup and invites me to come along on December 8, 2012. I’m hesitant about going…I’ve never been bowling and I'm sure I'll screw everything up somehow. With the support of my counselor I eventually build up the courage to go.
I get there early. Kat turns up a little late and we greet each other. She organises us in a bunch of different groups (there's like 30 of us) and I’m put in a different group from her. That’s okay, I’d have liked to be in the same group as her but my main goal here is to tackle social anxiety and meet new people! The bowling goes okay, I’m pretty bad at it but at least I didn't make a fool of myself and I didn’t come last. When everyone is finished, Kat comes up to me and asks if I would like to come to a post-bowling dinner meetup with everyone. I decline because my parents are coming to pick me up at any moment and I’ve had enough exposure treatment for the day anyway! I also find out that she has her boyfriend with her. It doesn’t bother me much, I’m not looking for a girlfriend, the only thing that bothers me is that its another reflection of something I’m missing in my life – A relationship. I go home proud of my achievement. I talk to Kat online a bit and she says she wished she had the chance to talk to me more. I feel the same.
After this bowling meet, we start to chat a lot. She invites me to a lot of events she has with her own friends and I'm really scared about attending. I barely know this girl, and walking into a party environment completely by myself where I am unfamiliar with everyone there is pretty much the peak of fear for me. I do end up going to a Christmas and New Years party (I’d normally just be home sleeping) and despite the challenge, I really started to feel like I was branching myself into a new friend group. I’m being accepted and I’m slowly learning the ‘normal’ things people do out in the world. I have my first hangover ever and even get my licence so that I can drive places myself! I’m definitely making some real progress here. Early 2013, me and Kat are talking online for hours almost every day up until the early hours of the morning. We talk about our struggles with anxiety, our morals, our view on life and other things. She starts telling me stories about how people have wronged her in the past and she tells me I’m her best friend and that she feels like she can say anything to me. I feel the same way and I start liking this girl…a lot. The highlight of my day is the conversation I get to have with her. I can see this getting problematic though. I can’t have her, shes in a long-term relationship already and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I don’t tell her my feelings and I just try to be the best friend I can be.
October 7, 2013. I get a message saying she has broken up with her boyfriend. I feel sad for her knowing that she broke up but a part of me feels guilty because I feel I might have been part of the cause for it. She tells me that she is okay with the breakup and that it was mutual. I get no impression that I had caused it in any way. We go on talking as normal but then a month later, November 16, she drunk texts me and asks me outright if I like her. I tell her I do. She kind of gets angry at me for not having said something sooner but I felt that it wasn't my place to say anything while she was still recovering from her recent breakup. She says that she likes the fact that I have feelings for her but that she might not feel the same. She says she is a ‘terrible’ person with ‘disordered thinking’, that she might be 'using me' and that she ‘hurts everyone she gets close to’. I don’t believe her. I’ve known this girl for close to a year by this point and I don’t think shes terrible at all. I look past it and see it as her having low self-esteem after her breakup.
December 1, 2013. One of the best days of my life. It is the day me and her become ‘official’. Its exciting. I have a girlfriend…Wait what? I actually have a girlfriend? Not only do I have a girlfriend but its Kat, the girl I’ve been interested in for almost a year. We get along great, it’s the best ever. I feel energized, I feel invincible, I have no anxiety – nothing can stop me. I apply for jobs, I attend interviews like a confident young man with his girl by his side to back him up. I feel accepted and supported. I am incredibly happy on a level I didn’t even know was possible. My entire outlook on life and the world around me is completely different. I have something to live for and I wake up in the morning looking forward to each day. We text each other constantly and we are working great together without any arguments, everything is perfect and my feelings for her are only getting stronger. Then…January 25 comes along. Its her Birthday. She holds a birthday party at a place in the city with her friends and naturally, I’m there with her. The idea is to finish up at the place we’re at and then walk to another location in the city. She leaves the first place abruptly, without really telling anyone that she had gone. I am by her side the whole time but I do find her actions strange. It's just me, Kat and Davo - one of her best friends. She starts venting to me “how could my friends abandon me on my birthday?”. I’m in an awkward position here because I want to support her and make her feel better but I also think that the way she left was strange behaviour and was certainly her fault. She is upset for the rest of the night and is crying most of the time. Its sad for me too because I want her to have an amazing birthday, not a sad one. This strange behaviour becomes a recurring theme that continues to damage our relationship.
On February 13, one day before Valentine’s day (a day we were looking forward to), she says she wants to break up with me. I don’t understand. We had no arguments, no disagreements or fall-outs with one another and everything seemed to be going great. She gives no real reason other than “I don’t think we can work together”. I’m crushed obviously. Stupidly of me, I choose to hang out with her on Valentines day anyway. I’m with her and our friends and I burst into tears. I cant stop crying. She is 2 metres away from me showing no emotion. She isn’t crying, in fact, shes drinking and having fun. I don’t understand how she can be so cold and without emotion? I cry the entire night, tears running down my cheek for at least 6 hours. To make matters worse, Davo is hurling comments toward me saying that "she has divorced me" to really drive home the idea that I am no longer her boyfriend. Kat lets it happen without saying or doing anything and I just have to sit there and take it. Worse still, the next day, Davo asks me for my help to get him to hook up with Kat...maybe its just me, but is this insanely insensitive or what? I suppose it kind of makes sense. This Davo fellow has been jealous of me since the day he met me and has constantly insulted me and shut me down in conversation at any chance he's got through my entire relationship with Kat. She never stood up for me.
A couple of days go by and she later messages me saying that she misses me and wants to give us another shot. I tell her that the breakup has hurt me badly and that it might take a while for things to go back to normal. Eventually, things do. I am happy with her, she is happy with me and goes on to say that I am "Gods gift to her" and that “You are the best boyfriend ever”. I kind of really was. I would do anything for this girl. I would stand up for her if someone made her uncomfortable, I gave her my full attention when she was talking, I helped her with her homework (I even learnt some of her course content in my own time so I could help her better), I'd give her massages in a candle lit room when she was feeling stressed, I gave her surprises on special dates and I even wrote poetry for her. She is my world and I would do anything to make her happy. I told her I loved her, she told me she loved me. Things were great again. Kat Loves Me.
I invited her into a group of friends of mine that I had been weaving in and out of since 2008. It was the Super Smash Brothers fighting game community. I had made a lot of friends there over the years and it was always difficult for me to go to a lot of the gaming events because of my anxiety. I did make friends here though and I felt that they were mostly a bunch of kind hearted nerdy guys that shared a similar interest of mine. Well, my only interest really. I invited Kat into the group because I wanted her to meet my friends who were some awesome people. She didn’t have that many friends of her own you see and I felt sorry for her being mistreated by other people in the past and knew she didn’t have to worry about that with this group.
She is nervous at first but she quickly becomes part of the Smash Bros family. I love having her here with me, it makes me so happy to be able to share this with her. The problem is…her strange behaviour continues. One day, I am trying to teach her the basic controls of Smash so that she can start getting into the tournament scene. Naturally, I am patient. I’m a patient guy, especially with my girlfriend. I tell her that a large part of the game is about making good decisions and that in order to improve your skill, you need to be conscious of what your thinking about as you play the game. Suddenly, and without warning, she becomes visibly upset. She is angry and frustrated with me because apparently my tone of voice has changed and I have become aggressive. I tell her that I didn’t change my voice and that I’m not angry or upset and that I have no reason to be aggressive. I’m just teaching her how to play the game, why would I get aggressive?
We argue back and forth with her saying “I wouldn’t feel this way if it didn’t happen and your invalidating my feelings”. All I can say is “I’m sorry you feel upset and that you feel that way but I swear I didn’t get aggressive. I have no reason to! Are you sure you weren’t just frustrated at the game and your taking it out on me?” The argument ends without any nice conclusion. I start to doubt myself, thinking that maybe my tone of voice is changing without me realising it. I’ve never heard anyone say this to me before but who knows, it could be true. I’m always looking toward self improvement.
A couple of weeks later, we have a similar training session but this time I make a conscious effort to think about what I’m going to say next and how I’m going to deliver it. I don’t want the same thing as last time to happen again. Despite my efforts, she says the same as before. She starts crying saying I’m aggressive and I’m sitting there utterly convinced I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m stuck because I want to resolve this issue but I can’t just apologise for doing nothing. Its dishonest to myself. Besides, she has told me she has disorded thinking and I’ve seen it by this point more than once (her ex-bf and others have told her the same) so I figure she would at least be open to the idea that maybe shes not seeing things clearly. Apparently not. So I don’t really know what to do other than express concern that shes not seeing things the way they really happened. I’m convinced her frustration at the game has been deflected onto me.
I encounter more of this strange behaviour as time goes on. One time we go to a Subway store and she says the person serving her should be fired because she had to say she wanted her bun “toasted” twice. Another time she asks a passing waitress at a different store if they were closing up. The waitress doesn’t hear her (Kat didn’t get her attention) and we leave with Kat saying she never wants to go that store again because of the terrible service. Theres another time where she asks me the same question 5 times in a row, I answer it multiple times and then she breaks down in tears saying I wont answer her question. I recount word-for-word my answer to her question and she says she has no recollection of me ever saying anything like it. This was the weirdest experience I ever had with anyone in my life and it still blows my mind that this actually happened.
With every incident, I feel like I’m stuck no matter which path I take. I try to highlight the logical fallacy with her perception of events and how they are uncharacteristic of me, someone who loves her, and that her emotions are very likely caused by her mental disorders. SHE has told me in the past that she thinks she has Bipolar / General Anxiety / Depression / Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that she wants my help with overcoming these issue but every time these incidents occur, she's in denial and thinks everything is my fault. She refuses to accept the possibility that what I’m saying might actually be the truth and that I’m saying it out of concern and love. After every incident, there is usually a period of the Silent Treatment. She pretends I don’t exist, avoids eye contact and stops texting me throughout the day. I feel terrible when she does this. “What have I done to deserve this? I just want to love this girl, why does she treat me this way?”. I feel rejected and alone. I have my birthday party with her and our smash friends and we have a great night, easily my best birthday ever. The next morning she goes totally silent on me. I try to hug her, I try to ask whats wrong and she gives me absolutely nothing back. Her body language and lack of interest in my presence prompts me to think that she must be upset with me - probably because of something that happened the night before. I ask if she would prefer me to give her space and if it would be better if I went home and she responds with "do whatever you want". She then stands in the rain in her pyjamas while I pack up my things. On the way out, I ask once more if she would like me to leave and she says the same "do whatever you want". I take this as a sign that she wants me to get away from her so I get in my car and drive home (45 min drive).
As I'm driving, she texts me saying that she wasn't angry with me but that she was upset with an argument she had with her parents 3 days earlier. She claims I should have known that already even though she never told me anything. I tried to tell her that from my perspective, it looked like she was upset with me and that I was just trying to do my best to find out what was going on and support her. She says "I should know her better" and that she "doesn't have to tell me everything" and that me leaving her house was a selfish choice on my part. I wanted to spend the weekend together with her, not drive away from her. I don't know how she can say I was being selfish? She ignored me for over a week after this incident.
I have another similar incident where I am playing in a Smash Bros tournament and I am in the Grand Finals. She is with me but she isn't feeling too well. When she asks me to take her home, I pause the game I am playing and try to figure out what the best course of action is. "Can she wait till the tournament is over?", "Is she comfortable getting a lift home with someone else?", "Can she take public transport?". When I realise the only suitable option is for me to take her home myself, I quickly forfeit my place in the tournament. I let everyone know that her health was more important to me than some game tournament and that I was sorry I had to drop out. I didn't even take the prize for 2nd place, I had totally forgotten about it! I walk out with her, give her my jacket (it was winter) and take her home.
I drop her off, asking if she wants me to stay with her and she says she'll be fine. She later tells me that those couple of seconds where I paused the game made her feel like I was hesitating and that I personally made her feel like a burden on everyone. I tried to tell her that I wasn't hesitating and that I was just trying to figure out what to do next and that I didn't feel like she appreciated the personal sacrifice I just made in her best interest but she just wouldn't acknowledge it. I told her that it wasn't her fault or my fault that she was feeling sick and that it was just bad luck and that its not fair to place that feeling of being a burden on me. She says I'm invalidating her feelings and I feel like she is being unappreciative.
This stuff would just keep happening. She would groan and move my hands away from her when I would try to hug her and she would never approach me or show me any kind of respect or attention and it reaches the point where I cant take it anymore. I give her an ultimatum. I meet with her in person and I tell her that even though I am in love with her, unless she PROMISES to do 3 things, I cannot be her boyfriend any longer.
See a Psychologist See a Doctor Never pretend I don’t exist ever again
She agrees. I don’t believe her at first but I push the issue and make a point that I need to be SURE. I simply cannot take the risk that she will treat me like trash again. She breaks down in tears and convinces me that she is very sorry about how cruel she has been to me and that she promises she will never do it to me again. She says she’ll make it up to me. I give her a chance to make good on these promises. I still LOVE this girl with all my heart and I never want to lose her but she can’t continue to treat me this way. I don’t deserve it.
About 2 months go by and nothing has changed. She hasn’t seen a psych or a doctor and there have been moments where she just blatantly ignores me. One time we leave in separate cars after going to the casino together (I taught her how to play blackjack and we enjoyed playing it together) and she doesn’t even say goodbye to me, she just walks away. She even goes on to tell me that she wants my permission to hook up with other guys WHILE we are still in a relationship. She would hang it over my head saying "if you can't make me happy, I'll just find someone else". We have a trip planned to travel interstate for a major Smash Brothers tournament and we are going together. The first day we get there she is already distant, she doesn’t seem like she even wants me around her. On that night, I try and get close to her. She pushes me away and avoids eye contact.
This is it. Breaking point. Here we are together in a different state for a major tournament with our friends who I had trained (I’m pretty good at the game so I prepared people for the tournament) and shes acting cold on me again. I get out of the bed of the five star hotel room I have booked for us and I sleep on the couch crying by myself. She does nothing, she just sleeps and takes the bed for herself. The next morning I tell her I’m upset with her and all she says is “I know”. She doesn’t apologise or try to make things right, in fact, she just continues her avoidant behaviour. This just hurts me more.
We go through the trip as two individuals who happen to be sharing a room. At one point I’m crying in the hotel room with her and she gets up and leaves for about 3 hours. I have no idea where she is or when she will come back. She is just gone. I eventually muster up the courage to speak to her asking “how can she do this to me again and how could she break her promise” and she flips the question back onto ME. She says how can I “ignore her like this”. The lack of empathy for my hurt feelings astounds me but I still try to set things right so that the rest of our trip isn’t in shambles but she is not interested. She says “I don’t need to talk to you” and avoids conversation. Shes visibly upset, I give her a tablet to calm her nerves down. I manage to put on the 'happy face' throughout the tournament. Nobody had any idea what I was going through as I tend to keep my problems to myself. I also had severe stomach cramps throughout all of the days on top of everything else that was going on.
On the day we go back home, I am crying the whole time. I cry for 2 hours in the hotel lobby and she sits 2 chairs away from me playing on her phone the entire time. I have tissues all around me. She is not emotional or empathic, she simply doesn’t care. At the airport gateway in front of hundreds of strangers, she tells me she wants to break up with me and that shes sure that’s what she wants. I am crushed and I take 3 sleeping tablets on the plane back home. A couple of days later I contact her again telling her that I miss her. We talk for a bit and she says she is on the fence about dumping me, claiming that she still has feelings for me. I tell her I’ll give her time and space if that’s what she needs.
About 2 weeks later, she messages me saying she is very ill. She says it takes all of her energy to move and that she needs to do something ASAP or she might catch a disease. I offer to come over and give her some tablets and some company to make her feel better. I mean, it’s the least I could do for someone suffering alone in their bedroom! She says she doesn’t want my help but I feel like it’s the right thing to do. I drive to her place (took an hour to get there) and keep her updated on much longer until I'm there. When I arrive I find shes not home. I spend the next hour trying to contact her and she doesn’t respond. I message her friends/family to try find out whats happening and nobody answers.
Eventually she calls me and says that shes out and that she wont be home all night. In the background I can hear some kind of party music. I don’t understand, ISN’T SHE REALLY REALLY SICK AND DOESNT SHE KNOW I'M COMING OVER? I tell her that I’ll have a nap at her place (since I dont want to drive all the way back after just getting there) until she comes home. 15 minutes later she comes back home and is telling me to get out. She says I am invading her privacy and that she is furious with me. She says I have serious issues. Oh and she doesn’t look the slightest bit sick either. I try to talk to her but she just says “I don’t need to talk to you, get out”. She storms out of the house, I tell her mum what just happened and her mum says she'll intercede on my behalf when Kat calms down. Me and her mum know that Kat can be difficult to deal with, I always got the impression that she was hoping I could help Kat in a way that she couldn't. After speaking with her mum, I shake her hand thanking her for her hospitality and I leave.
I try to contact her at some point after this but she is resistant. She wont let me speak with her at all as if I’ve done something unforgivable. She gets up and walks away from me while I'm speaking to her. She tells our mutual friends that I have been abusive to her, controlling, manipulative, forceful, disrespectful to her parents and that she is scared of me. She even goes to lengths to bring up personal stuff about my life that was meant to be private in order to destroy my friendship with them. She succeeds. Nobody is interested in what I have to say. I have a panic attack and am rushed to hospital in fear of a heart attack. Kat knows I’m in hospital but does not visit or message me. She doesn’t care.
I eventually manage to call her on the phone and I ask her how she could say these things about me and how she could break the promises she made. In regards to the promises, she says “I’m allowed to change my mind”. I ask her about our trip interstate and how she could ignore my feelings and pretend like I don’t exist and she says “Its not my responsibility if you want to feel that way and I wont do shit all for that. I should have just done the whole trip by myself”. I ask about me being in hospital and she says “We’ve broken up so its none of my business anymore”. At the end of the phone call she promises that she will leave the Smash Bros community alone out of respect for me since I belong there and its something I introduced her to.
I don’t contact her at all for 2 months after this. By this point I'm already in therapy and have been taking antidepressants for major depression. I’ve overdosed once and I continue to think about suicide every day. Everything restarts when she turns up to a Smash Bros event as though nothing has happened. Not only that, but shes hanging around all the friends I introduced her to and they are acting like nothing has happened. In fact shes been telling them lies about me being abusive and they believe it! I approach her asking “What are you doing here? You said you wouldn’t come to these anymore”. My (her?) friends back her up, telling me to fuck off and get out. I do so willingly after expressing my discontent with her presence. Following this, I am banned from attending any events held by certain people and nobody is interested in hearing my side of the story. I am blocked, banned and cast away.
I try to contact her to sort all this out and instead she says I’m harassing her to my group of friends on facebook and actively finds ways to damage my image. She continues to destroy my reputation and people go along with it because she plays the role of ‘victim’ in front of them. She cries, and they come to her defense, just as I did when I first started getting to know her. She even claims that I broke into her house! I have been trying to diffuse the situation with little success. There are people in the community that know me better and have taken the time to listen to my side of the story and they have been very supportive. It's good to know at least some people have some respect for me and I would feel much worse without them. While I would have liked to keep all of this to myself as I had done with the previous breakups (I didn't even tell my parents or siblings), she has now put me in a position of defense and has accused me of being something I am not. I now feel the need to defend my reputation and open the doors to the truth.
I have recently found out that Kat is now DATING Travis, someone I have known for 5 years and someone who defended her at the smash event. Shes apparently been dating him since December, only about 2 months after she broke up with me. This isn't just totally ridiculous but it also makes no sense because she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship and that she wouldn't get into one for a long time until she sorted herself out mentally. She said that she wasn't well enough to be with anybody. She did this knowing that the thought of her being with someone else made me sick and that I couldn't be friends with her because I didn't want to know who/if she was dating anyone. Now I have extreme anxiety being in the same room as him or anyone involved with that particular social circle. That group is intentionally bullying and making fun of me at smash events to make me feel even worse than I already do. No doubt, Kat is a supporter of these actions.
And that leads me to now. I have been betrayed by my girlfriend, the person I loved, I have been cast out of a group of friends I have had for years and she has planted herself right in the middle of it without a shred of respect, empathy or feeling for me. In addition to all of this, my computer HDD which had 3 years of my work on it randomly stopped working, my cat of 14 years died of heart failure on Kats birthday this year, my parents have been on the edge of a divorce and a chronic abdominal pain I’ve had for years is wreaking havoc on me and no doctor or specialist can find a way to treat it. I have recently been told that this is a life long condition that will stay with me forever and there are no drugs I cant take that mitigate the pain, not even morphine! I tried to speak to Kat telling her that in addition to the breakup, I am going through so much stuff at home and that I wanted to work together with her to make things better. I was in tears basically begging for some compassion over the phone. She said I should "get over myself" and that she "doesn't have to help me" and then hung up.
I cry in my room alone, my heart hurts (physically, it actually hurts) and I cant sleep. I am on tablets that make me feel drowsy and generally unwell. I have no will to live, no joy or pleasure in anything, I have lost my short term memory, my social anxiety is returning and I feel like there is nothing in the universe that can help me. I have never been this depressed. The only time I feel okay are the rare times I am asleep, but even then I am haunted by nightmares. All I ever did was try to support and love this girl in the best ways I knew how. I gave my all and I did the very best I could do and in return, I was labelled as Satan.