The morning of May 23rd, 1980 started like any other for 36-year-old Christina Frazier. Shortly before 7 a.m., she said goodbye to her husband, Charles, who was heading to his job at the State Highway Department. Charles and Christina had only been married for about three weeks and the Anderson, Indiana couple were just getting settled into their new life together.
Around 4:30 p.m., Charles returned home after work to discover the back door of the couples apartment, had been kicked open. As he entered the small upstairs apartment, Charles noticed large amounts of blood splattered on the walls and floors leading into the bedroom. There, he found Christina lying on the floor in a pool of blood.
It was determined that Christina’s murder had been a case of “overkill.”
Christina was stabbed multiple times. An autopsy revealed she had been stabbed more than six times in the neck, and had numerous slice wounds across her back, hands, and arms.
She was found dressed in her bathrobe. Christina’s killer had tried to gag and strangle her multiple times using the robes belt, however when this failed and Christina fought back, her killer attempted to use a T-shirt, then an electrical cord, both of which were found tied around Christina’s neck as well.
As Christina continued to fight for her life, it is believed she attempted to take cover in her bathroom. There, her killer attacked her once again, beating Christina in the head and face. The fatal blow came when Christina’s killer slammed her head against one of the bathroom fixtures, either the toilet or the bathtub, shattering her skull. It was also determined that Christina had been sexually assaulted.
Due to the lack of contents in her stomach, and the fact that she was still dressed in her bathrobe, it is estimated that Christina was killed shortly after Charles had left for work, around 7 a.m..
An investigation of the apartment, located at 923 1/2 Nichol Avenue, revealed that aside from kicking in the front door, Christina’s killer had also cut her phone’s cord. The apartment was in disarray from the struggle that had occurred, however nothing was missing, including cash in Christina’s purse.
Charles was immediately ruled out as suspect after police confirmed that he had been at work from 7 am to 4 pm that day, and had not left.
When questioned, the downstairs neighbors told investigators that they had heard loud noises coming from the apartment above, however they did not investigate the noises further. After canvassing the neighborhood and coming up empty handed, police turned to Christina’s fellow employees at the local tavern where she worked nights as a waitress. Unfortunately, they turned up no new leads there either.
Death Certificate/Clippings
Find A Grave: Christina Frazier
I wanted to include, that although it is never mentioned in the newspaper articles, this murder has quite a few similarities to the case I posted yesterday about Janet Shirar, the teacher who was savagely murdered in nearby Kokomo, Indiana.
Both murders happened on Memorial Day weekend, within 24 hours one another. Both murders were considered “overkill” by investigators. Both victims were stabbed. Robbery doesn’t appear to have been a motive in either case. Kokomo is pretty close to Anderson, a little over an hour away.
I’m not saying the two are related, just wanted to point out the similarities between them.

What’s up guys. After last week’s MINTY Free Hit Guide I’ll be going through my top double gameweek picks based on my recent studies of the underlying stats and the eye test. I ended up with 61 pts on my FH last week so hopefully I can help a few of you out again. Here goes…
​
BETWEEN THE STICKS:
Flappy-handski (5.1m)
The former Gunner looks to be ripe for points should he shrug off a thigh injury. His latest comments seem to suggest so but a rest isn’t out the question. BUR and WBA at the London Stadium looks fantastic. Personally, I’d stay safe with a WHU DEF instead.
Big Emiliano (5.1m)
With his price skyrocketing faster than bog roll during this season, it’s easy to see why. A game at the Ethihad looks good for saves galore followed up by the shambolic attack of NEW for the current top scoring keeper.
The Stone (4.5m)
A nice pick if you’re banking on saves and a miracle Big Sam revival; Sam “The Stone” Johnstone isn’t a bad one this week. Wolves, as stated last week, look awful going forward whilst he also plays a Hammers side who have sold their main striker and are considering playing the man mountain – Diop, at striker. Antonio should be fine and fit to spoil the day for The Stone however.
​
THE D:
Cancelo Culture (5.8m)
Coming off the back of more returns, CC looks a prime pick at the back for MCI. My only reservation would be potential rotation after Pep’s classic, ominously vague comments on the Portuguese international.
Johnny Stones (5.0m) & Ruben Loftus Dias (5.8m)
Should you not have CC, I think these two are safe as houses for starts and points this week. Two plum fixtures and Pep has shockingly told us real, actual team news in that Ake and Laporte are out.
Aaron “Babyface” Cresswell (5.4m)
It seems like just yesterday the former Ipswich Town man made his move to the Hammers, it’s actually been 7 years… I wouldn’t take him over Stones personally especially for the long haul but after the MCI assets he looks a fantastic pick up. Set pieces and playing at LB now instead of stifled at a LCB role.
Vlad (4.7m)
At the other side of the WHU DEF is Vlad Coufal. Some attacking threat, nailed on and with two plum games – he’s a quality budget pick. If you can’t stretch to him then take a look at forgotten man Craig Dawson (4.5m) who absolutely loves a set piece header.
Chillers (6.1m)
Costing a fortune but near the top of my picks is Ben Chilwell. If Lampard wants to remain in the hotseat at the Bridge, he will need results against Fulham and Leicester. Chilwell has the season pedigree to haul this week. A hold more than a buy.
Andrade Roberto (7.4m)
Heftily priced and facing one of the biggest games of the season against United in the double, Robbo still looks like a wise investment with a Chris Wood led Burnley following a likely cagey top of the table clash of the titans. A keep but not a buy. Look elsewhere for premium investment. River Trent (7.3m) slightly cheaper and on direct FKs for those with limited change in their pockets.
Shawshank Redemption (4.8m)
Mr Corners and fresh of the back of a 7 pointer last week, I’d be shocked to see OATW drop Shaw for Telles at the moment. Very nice fixtures going forward too. Fulham and Pool, not too bad.
Harry Maguire (5.4m) – Already memed too much to allow for a nickname.
A goal disallowed for putting his 6”5 frame on some poor lil’ fullback (rightly so to be fair) last week, he is the premium option at the back for United. On 5 yellows though and I’m sure he’d take one against Pool if it helped the chances of winning that game.
Middle of the park:
Kevin (11.8m)
Top of the xG charts over recent times, top of the xA charts over the season (shocking I know…) the dilemma should be more so will you captain him or not? Did look tired against BRI last week.
Mo (12.5m)
Statistically underwhelming and even getting outshone in some departments by Bobby F and Mane, Salah is still one of the best picks and captaincy picks this week. He will play both games, he will be on pens, he will get chances. The big question mark is the United game.
Mr Penalties Worldwide (11.4m)
One of our community members (Abol) managed to have the armband on the diminutive England winger this week as his penalty sailed in the dark skies of Manchester. Personally, this is the highest risk, highest reward pick to opt for this week. Only 8 minutes against Brighton and hungry to set things straight, he’s a very intriguing pick. Do you have the balls?
Bruno (11.3m)
Still looking like he’s just climbed Everest, Bruno keeps playing and remains in the picks. Not performing as well along side Pogz, we will see if Paul even starts this weekend as OATW may opt for a more defensively astute lineup without the World Cup Winner. This should benefit Bruno but expect managed minutes and Paul back for Fulham.
Marcus “The Saviour” Rashford (9.6m)
Unlike Bruno, Rashy’s stats with Pogz are much better. Not a bad shout for this week and arguably the best at his price point for the double.
Big Phil Fodes (6.2m)
At his price, if we knew he’d start even 4/5 fixtures with managed minutes he’d be template. Unfortunately there’s a man named Josep Guardiola Sala in the dugout so even a hat trick you’re not safe (see Mahrez). Risky, but arguably worth the risk at his price point given the upside and fixtures.
The Lad Himself (7.7m)
Have seen a lot of other FPL content producers and community members tip him as a bad pick this week. I disagree. If you have him, you’d be insane to sell. Some of the best underliers in the top leagues across Europe. Jackie Grealish with a double is absolutely a stick. I’d even consider brining him in given the fixtures and games in hand he has to play. Loves a juicy double.
Tomas VARcek (5.3m)
The big man from Czech will be licking his lips at his fixtures this week against side who are about as good at defending set pieces at Sebastian Giovinco. A Soucek shoe-in.
Anwar El Goalzi (5.8m)
Not a massive fan myself after watching him for a couple of seasons now. In a purple patch but there are better options at the Brummie club. Okay as filler, cheap option.
Barninho (6.8m)
Hitting a little bit of form and more importantly for Barnes owners and buyers; minutes, he is a shrewd pick up for the double. Strong for his price point.
Up Top:
Michail “Glass Hams” Antonio (6.2m)
A monster in front of goal but with the hamstrings of Mike Wazowski. Surely, surely he starts both. If WHU owners want to sell their only other striker whilst he’s not even fit yet, I’d be flabbergasted. Minutes managed yes but I’m sure Moyes doesn’t want Big Issa Diop starting up top. High risk, high reward.
Ollie Statkins (6.1m)
Not even a safer pick this week given the mystery that is Covid at Villa. Should he not be one of the ones affected, you can expect a crisp 90 mins x 2 from the former Championship man. Has the stats and Grealish given plates to haul. Strong pick despite what Watkins owners may tell you.
Jamie “Chithousery” Vardy (10.1m)
He needs no introduction. A premium forward and if you have the cash, a fine pick. My issues is there are better picks in MID for a similar price.
GENERAL TIPS AND CLOSING COMMENTS:
Should you bench boost?
Team dependent but probably not. Another dub GWK to come and to plan for. If you have a couple single GWKers with decent fixtures and the rest are dubs then go for it.
Should you TC?
Possibly. KDB and Salah are very decent TC options. Sterling if you’ve had a few and want a punt.
General transfer advice?
Hits for single to dub GWKers effectively only cost 2 pts. Not a bad week to restructure your team.
Come check me out on Twitch for my weekly pre deadline stream happening live right now ( https://www.twitch.tv/spearmintspaff ). I am on Twitter too ( https://twitter.com/SpearmintSpaff ). It's not your usual FPL content, occurring at a regular, later time than other content creators for folks in stranger time zones such as myself in Canada and you notorious dead zone nutcases.
Usual KO for our stream is:
9PM UK GMT / 2PM CAD MDT / 4PM USA EDT / 1 PM USA PST
Thanks guys and good luck.
Current rank: #222,037. All time: #18.

Ok this is likely going to be a long post so please bare with me but I so feel context is important... Tldr at the bottom.
I (31F) have been married to my husband (33M) for 5.5 years. We met February 2013, he moved into the house I owned three months later. We sold my house and bought one together using the funds from the sale of my house in June 2014, he proposed in July 2014 and we were married in June 2015. When we were living in my house everything was literally amazing, we did everything together and had so much fun, we went out to dinner randomly and did projects and classes. We never fought.
Around the time we got engaged (not sure if it was after getting the house or after the proposal) things started to change. He never seemed to want to spend time together and everything single thing was a fight down to picking out a light fixture. I would give him several options I liked and he hated them all but never came up with anything himself when I asked what he did want. This became the general pattern for everything. He hated and complained about what I liked or wanted but never gave me any options in return (which I would have been more than happy to seriously consider). He started hating my hobbies like antiques and diy stuff which he seemed to like before. As for the wedding he argued over everything and hated spending any money, regardless of the fact that I literally scoured hours to find the cheapest options and he had no options to offer. He started complaining every time I spent money on anything, even if was my own money. I started becoming concerned about this and second guessing getting married but attributed it to wedding/new home stress and figured things would eventually go back to normal.
For our wedding I also went on a diet and dropped from 125 lbs (size 6) to 90lbs. He would praise me when the scale went down and react negatively with any increase. He encouraged me to eat less and less and would tell me how sexy I was as I lost weight. I developed an eating disorder and by the time of the wedding I would get mad at myself for eating an apple with peanut butter as the only thing I ate in a day. After the wedding when we got our pictures back I realized how skinny and sickly I looked (size zero pants were becoming too baggy on me). I remember eating two pints of Ben and jerry's in about two weeks because I saw their ad and hadn't had any in about a year. I hid the cartons from him because I was afraid of how he would react. Well he found them and got pissed and started yelling about how I was just going to get fat now that I was married because that's what women do. I wound up gaining a bit over time and evening out around 100lbs.
When we had been married a bit I asked him about children. I have fertility issues and my time was running out of I wanted to have kids plus being adopted I knew how long that process takes if it turned out we couldn't. I honestly thought it would take at least a year before I would get pregnant. Early in dating after a surgery on my ovaries I had told him children were important to me and if he was not on board with my timeline that was fine but because of my medical issues I wanted to have two children relatively soon so don't waste my time. He said he was absolutely on board and wanted to have two children and have had kids by the time he was 30. when I brought it up though after getting married he kept pushing it off. Finally he agreed and at about 8 months after the wedding we started trying. I miraculously got pregnant with my daughter after two months and had her 6 months before his 30th birthday. She also unfortunately was diagnosed with a severe heart defect that landed her in and out of the hospital and across the country for treatment for the first 6 months of her life. He became resentful that we had her 6 months earlier than he wanted and he hated having to do anything for her. He stated that he hates the baby stage and her medical issues compounded everything.
When my daughter was born is when things started getting really bad for us. He came to see her in the NICU for a few hours every weekend and would spend most of the time on his phone. I was rooming in with her so I was caring for her around the clock. Once we came home he took two weeks of paternity leave even though he could have taken more and promised to take more (but it would be unpaid so he didn't want to even though we had plenty of savings and it was completely financially doable). When he was on leave he spent the entire time doing contract work and I had to beg him for help. I rarely got to eat or shower and getting him to take her for those was like pulling teeth. She was colicky and only wanted to be held and was on oxygen so it was a very rough time. He refused to wake up at night to help me even though I had to pump and bottle feed her because we needed to fortify her milk. He would get so upset when I asked for help that I finally gave up and just did it all myself. I was getting maybe a few hours of sleep a night. We fought constantly about it with me begging and clawing for more help. I was never able to get him to take our daughter for even an hour at a time.
When it got closer to her surgery date we relocated to California for a few months so we could be prepared if she went downhill fast. Those two months were absolutely hell for me. I had no help. I had to shower with her and work remotely while holding her. I asked him for a bit of time every day to shower and eat and it was always a fight so I figured it out. He complained constantly about my weight (I was very stressed and stayed at about 130-135lbs) and what I ate. I remember him getting so mad about me eating a peanut butter sandwich (I didn't have anything else to eat because I needed to go shopping and the Ronald McDonald house supplied a few things for free including peanut butter - by the way they are AMAZING 🙌) that he started yelling about me being overweight and sending me nasty texts.
He was stressed, we both were but his behavior was completely abusive and terrible. I hated my life. After the peanut butter incident I called my parents and they helped me begin to find a lawyer for divorce. My decision was finalized after my daughter's surgery when she was inpatient and not gaining weight well and going through withdrawal from the medications she was on. The nurse told me to make sure I eat a lot of calories so we could increase her weight because otherwise she wouldn't be able to leave the hospital for a while. I took her suggestion to heart and had three large meals daily. My husband saw one of my meals (bacon, eggs, oatmeal, peanut butter toast, sausage and fruit I think) and absolutely flipped. He just walked out of the room and started angrily texting me about how I shouldn't eat three meals a day or I would gain weight etc etc.
When we got home I talked with the lawyer in secret to discuss my options. I got everything together and left with my daughter to my parents house after Christmas and told him I wanted a divorce. He begged and pleaded but I remained firm. He wound up going to therapy, going to abuse counciling, getting on meds, etc. It seemed like he really was trying to change and he did. I wound up apprehensively moving back in. He asked me to renew our vows and life continued. Things were never really the same with us though. I had become calloused towards him and things just felt different.
He wound up helping more with my daughter and things started looking promising. We were becoming a happy family and things were looking up. He was becoming a much better father to our daughter and it was nice to see. Unfortunately I was running out of time reproductively and we had a deadline for conception to time ages with my daughters next heart surgery so I brought up having a second child. I had always wanted at least two children. I told him though that this time I wanted him on board and I did not want him to agree unless he really was going to be a partner. He agreed, perhaps a little reluctantly but I stressed over and over that I didn't want him to agree unless he was ready. We began trying for another child and 13 months, a miscarriage, three months of fertility treatment and the loss of my son's twin, we finally conceived and carried our next miracle, my son.
As soon as I got pregnant and started showing my husband's old habits of negativity returned. He would comment about my size and started becoming controlling again with food and money. He started having me tell him every single purchase so he could "budget" and severely restricted my spending, even on food and we were making plenty. He wanted to put in a pool and a pool house/office that he could work and sleep in before my son was born. The pool house cost about $45k and it is all his along with his two $3500 tvs, robotic desk, sound system etc. He spends most of the day and the night out there.
I did everything I could to reduce costs so we could afford the pool house but he would get mad at me spending $100 on food or $100 on clothes for the kids when they needed warmer or larger clothes (nothing crazy, talking walmart $3 pants and shirts etc). After everything was paid for he agreed to give me a set allowance a month to do with what I want to make up for the fact that he just spent nearly 50k on himself. That amount has since been cut in half and he now takes three times as much extra towards his car payment. Even still when I do but anything he always criticizes it and complains and fights about it, especially when it is something that I'm doing to help someone else out like my half brother or a kids toy drive. I have started hiding purchases which I know isn't really ok but I just couldn't take the fights and negativity anymore over everything I bought.
With the pandemic I also fought and fought for more time to work (was an hour a day of his help and now I get approximately 4.5 hours on week days and 3 on weekends). I feel like I'm on him and complaining ALL THE TIME about this. I also fight with him about how he spends his time with the kids since his first go to is to sit them in front of the TV while he does chores. I know I should just let him do his own thing with the kids but he has them for so little time I want him to actually spend time with them and I don't really want them on screens all the time. I'm also grateful he does do the chores but I have the kids alone almost 20 hours a day so I feel like they could be done another time. Don't get me wrong I appreciate the help I do get from him and I absolutely couldn't do it alone.
I feel like I complain and fight with him non stop about things that I think are valid concerns but like tonight we fought because he found out about a purchase I made without consulting him and I tried explaining why I did it and because I'm tired of fighting for everything I want and needing his "permission". Then he says things like "so what do you want me to do because it sounds like I'm a complete failure". Maybe I complain too much. There is still a lot of resentment and hurt and lack of trust in my end and he has proven me correct many times but I need a sanity check that I'm not turning into the very abuser that I fought so hard against. For reference here are some of my other top complaints:

• making comments about me eating cookies or treats or bread or how much I eat
• him being negative about the kids like when he says "it's like having guests that you just want to leave but they never do because they live here" (it would be nice to have a partner that is happy and excited about being a parent at least some of the time)
• fighting for anything i want or need to buy even if it was agreed upon
• "innocent" comments or questions like asking repeatedly even after being told no whether I would use some ass master work out thing
• the near constant comments about exercising
• the almost constant negativity and bad mood
• wanting me to get my iud removed because I have been bleeding since and am bloated even though it completely stopped my almost daily pain
• making comments about how I'm dressed, especially if it's comfortable or loose clothes and calling me grandma
• making comments about me not showering until the end of the day if I don't have time because of the kids

However I won't pretend to be perfect. I'm concerned because of the following things I do:

• hide purchases
• hide food containers
• sneak food
• complain or argue about the above types of things
• etc

Am I turning into the very thing I hate? I will take and judgement or advice to heart. I need this sanity check and if it is true then I will make changes because I definitely don't want to be like that.
TL;DR: I'm concerned that I am becoming abusive towards my husband as a response to his negative actions.

Thought I'd make a post here instead of the NRL sub because Ive got some strange ideas how the NRL can keep it on track and here I thought would be a better place to just put the ideas out there and see what a smaller group think first.
I'm notorious for having millions of ideas that seem good initially but aren't really when you get into them so tell me if they are shit. I'm not going to care.
I'm supportive of expansion, and want to see 2 teams brought in at once. To me there is not much point if your not bringing in an extra game per round but I'll settle for 1 I guess.
I 100% support the Dolphins, it's the simplest bid to get off the ground and will most likely become successful in a few years.
Every other bid floated just seems like hard work. All the other Brisbane teams, Perth, Central Coast will take 5-10 years work. And anything international is out of the picture currently.
So how can we get a 2nd team up and running that has flexibility in the future but will gather support instantly.. how about a NSW country team in the NRL? What do other people think? It can have its own brand but a team that represents the country of NSW. Similar to how the Cowboys represent all of NQ.
I can see the potential for the NRL and NSWRL to capture a decent fan base this way, it will become every fan in NSWs 2nd or 3rd team you would like to think?
They could train out of the central coast cause the infrastructure is there and take games to the regions and have the NRL ask other teams to give home games to country NSW or central coast so effectively the teams extra travel around regional areas is offset by not having to travel to NQ or Melbourne for example.
For it to be successful NRL will probably have to build the draw around these fixtures and do things like play country vs Penrith in Bathurst, vs Melbourne in Albury ( if they are welcome there anymore lol) play vs Manly/Roosters on central coast a long weekend so people travel up from Sydney for an idea on how to maximise the interest and revenue.
Another idea Id like to see the NRL use in expansion is player loan systems the warriors had this year. Having provisions that allowed new teams to have amount of loan players at one time will give fringe players more opportunity and will stop new clubs getting stuck with duds early on. Say in the first year they only have to have a small number of players signed with the club and they can use the loan system as a train and trial type deals throughout the season. It will need a lot of work to get the right balance so it's not unfairly favouring clubs or players but watching players suprise me in a new club system last year was one of my favourite bits of 2020 and want to see it continued in some way and incorporating it into expansion could combat talent pool drain dialogue.
I could go on but that's probably more then enough to digest in one post.
Do you think there is merits in the NRL trying to expand into the regional NSW or not enough fans or cash in the regions?
What would you like to see happen with expansion?
Anything else new you'd like to see the NRL try?

[Updated repost from here and here]
See my mega review post. It's getting time for me to update it, but still worth looking through.
First off, I wanna just get out of the way that there are as many approaches to doing "smart home" as there are people doing it... So I welcome comments! The idea is to create a single post/thread I (or anyone else) can just link for people asking the basic question of "where do I start", and... I started where I started, not where everyone else started :-)
[What do you want ?]
My first suggestion to all those starting out or barely in.... At a minimum, consider EVERYTHING you might want to do. Let your imagination run wild. If you can think it, there's a good chance someone else has done it - and if not, you can be the first. I think the biggest and most common mistake people make when starting out - for me as well - is a lack of imagination. There's nothing wrong starting out with "I just want to do X" (especially if you mean it) but it's also a good way to get boxed in. I recommend everyone, including automation veterans, write out all your dream projects and goals... actually write them down. Write out what and how many devices (lights, sensors, etc.) it will take. Then, put in ball park prices. If you're really just starting out, you might need to pencil in just wild guesses. That's fine. Doesn't need to be exact, and prices change (and can vary wildly by brand/model). The idea is to just have a rough estimate of what's feasible and what isn't... What's worth it and what isn't... What to do sooner and what to put off.
[What do you already have?]
If you're serious about home automation... Make a detailed floor plan of your house. A floor-plan is pretty useful in general, but especially useful for setting up and maintaining a smart home. Mark where all the outlets, switches, and light fixtures are at, and go through the house mapping circuit breakers just the one time. As smart devices are installed, notate on the floor plan which devices are smart, their capabilities (ie if lights are color), what protocol they use (ZigBee, Z-Wave, or WiFi), what circuit breaker they're on and/or what type of battery they use (and you can note last battery installation date). (I use Sweet Home 3D - free, pretty powerful, and pretty easy.)
Obviously, what you already have for automation devices should be taken into account in any smart home plan. However, in general don't let that influence you too much. Every home automation veteran has box(s) full of old stuff. Plan carefully to minimize waste, but home automation is constantly evolving, so be willing to occasionally rethink your approach. If you do switch to a different platform/protocol/etc, do it slowly. Don't try to transition everything at once. At the same time, I personally feel it's important to maintain consistency throughout a house. Having a mish-mash of different products and designs can hinder every-day living.
[What can you do?]
See below for a quick list of the most common device types. Following that is a list of automation ideas. Use these to assist in making the list. Although they are perhaps a bit overwhelmingly long, it's more to prompt you to think about what you want. Come up with your own dream list! (Then share it.)
Before skipping to those, there's a two things you need to decide early on. (Or skip, but come back.) Honestly, I'm split on which is more important. They may very well be equally important.
[Pause for dramatic cliff-hanger....]
[How are you going to control everything?]
The first is the "automation controller". You know about Google Home and Alexa - maybe know about IFTTT - and you're wondering if you really need a separate controller. If you're going to do more than couple of simple things... you're going to want a controller. It's just that simple.
There's quite a few out there (literally thousands), from those that barely qualify as an automation controller (like Google Home), to easy to use but limited SmartThings, to DIY systems like HomeAssistant. It depends in large part on end goals and user preference (and mon-ay!). Few people have extensively used all of the major ones, so take all suggestions - including mine - with a grain of salt, unless they can directly compare and contrast from experience. So, you're on your own. For what it's worth, my quick-pick short list would be either Hubitat or Home Assistant, but it really does depend on your tech level, budget, goals, and other preferences. Personally, I use a Hubitat Elevation, and I love it.
Note: My understanding is that SmartThings is still the go-to platform for beginners. However, it's limited, and does not have a stable user experience or functionality. I have long since stopped using SmartThings, so only passingly familiar with recent developments, but my opinion continues to be to avoid it unless you willing to buy it as a learning tool.
[How are you going to control everything??]
The second major decision is how you want to control the lighting. Sounds simple, but it's really not. It really deserves a mega-thread of it's own. At least for me, it was a choice that was far more difficult, far more costly, and far harder to reverse than which controller to get (though I'm proud to say I'm sure I did make the right choice for my goals). There's smart switches,¹ smart bulbs, smart switches with smart bulbs, control/touch screen panels, remote controls, and voice. And, each one can have varying features and styling. Also consider how they will work together, not just on the technical side (which is addressed by picking an automation controller), but in actual practical use. Before picking products, actually imagine using them... For instance, would you want a glossy touch-screen light dimmer next to a click-button fan controller? Rather than immediately falling in love with a new glitter product, picture yourself using it to turn the lights on and off or whatever on a daily basis while half-asleep in the dark, or in a rush out the door.
Many people answer "I'll just use voice". Wrong answer. Just take my word for it. Voice is an add-on feature; not a replacement for physical controls. I have at least 10 Google Homes scattered throughout the house, and will be expanding on that - so it's not that they aren't useful, but yelling "Hey Google, turn on kitchen light one" ("I've turned on kitchen light two" -- "I SAID ONE!!") at 3am just doesn't actually work. As much as I and hopefully you love the idea of home automation, old dumb light switches really are about as good you can get for simple, practical, intuitive use.
My ultimate answer is that... I don't want to control lights! I want them to control themselves - hence being home automation. Unfortunately, it's just not achievable. 1) Motion sensors can be finicky and you'll want a backup, 2) Motion sensors aren't appropriate for all circumstances, and 3) Motion sensors throughout the entire house (and setting up the automation logic) is a large undertaking, and will take much time, effort and expense. I give a pro/con of some of the basic methods on my "review thread", but... First, ask YOURSELF questions. Where will the switches be? What will they do? What are you going to do with the existing switches? Will you want switches where there aren't any built-in? Will they work for the entire family? Consider what you'll gain over "dumb" switches, and what you'll lose. Then do research and ask everyone else how to get there.
[What protocol are you going to use?]
One other thing that's suggested be decided early on is protocol. If you've done any research at all or spent anytime in the forums, you'll see ZigBee and Z-Wave mentioned a lot. First, WiFi is conspicuously absent in that sentence. Despite the massive number of "smart" products on the market that use WiFi, it's not a good base protocol to use. Buying WiFi products is a great place to start out. There are a lot of great WiFi products, and they don't generally require any "hub", allowing you to just jump in without out this bothersome planning and research, and using WiFi products isn't a death sentence for home automation setups. But there are many - too many - drawbacks from security issues to signal interference, so be careful not to get sucked too far into WiFi. Feel free to postpone making these really hard choices by buying a couple WiFi devices, but don't ignore them just because WiFi seems to work well to start with. Some of the pro/cons for WiFi like security issues just make WiFi less of bargain, but many of the issues grow exponentially with the number of WiFi devices you have.
As to Zigbee or Z-Wave - I started out with a mix, and have settled on one based on stability of my personal setup - not naming which is giving me troubles, because it's probably solvable, I'm just too lazy to bother. Although there are differences between the two - some of which may be quite important to smart-home veterans - it typically doesn't matter which is used, and there's certainly not one that's "better" for beginners. Pretty much every product type can be found in either, but specific brands usually do one or the other, so I'd recommend getting a controller that supports both, learn as you go, and use what works best.
Just as a bit of a primer, ZigBee and Z-Wave are both what are known as "mesh networks". You know about "mesh WiFi". It's like that, but completely different. In a true mesh network, each device can act as a repeater for other devices, which isn't true for WiFi. So each device that is a repeater strengthens and extends the network, and can become more efficient with routing. Not all will be repeaters, particularly battery powered devices. Hue and other ZigBee bulbs won't either, because they're technically a substandard (Zigbee Light Link rather than Zigbee Home Automation). However, bulbs in general are reportedly a mixed bag, and not being a repeater can be better than being a bad repeater.
[Do you really need a "hub"?]
A note on hubs. Many people (including myself) started out with "But I don't wanna hub!" (or "But I don't wannanother hub!") Get over it. Although there's something to be said for simplicity, don't get hung up on whether something requires a hub! They don't build them just to make money... well, I mean, they do, but no one would buy them if they didn't have value. Personally, I actively use six hubs (Hubitat Elevation, Lutron Caseta, Hue, Pi 3B+, Arlo, and Fing) with plans for another, and have yet more that I've managed to phase out. That's not to say those hubs are right for everyone (again, see my review thread), and I'm definitely not saying to buy any hub without researching what features it adds, but do not cut your nose off to spite your face by avoiding product lines just because there's a hub!
[Where are you going to use it?]
(At home! It's home automation! Duh!!)
Presence... It's a huge issue for home automation. Maybe even the most important issue. So, just going to define a few concepts for your consideration.
The Holy Grail of a smart home is being able to customize the environment to suit the specific people in the room/area, and specifically to suit their activity. For instance, you may want different lighting or sound settings if you are watching tv rather than your child, or have different things occur if your child is leaving the house rather than when you arrive, etc., etc. The only way to do that in a practical way within a home environment is through facial recognition cameras. Although it's technically feasible, at this time it's simply not practical for the vast majority of home owners. But there are ways to get pretty close.
There's geopresense (aka "geofencing"). You know what it is, but there's a lot more to it when applied inside a house. It can be used to determine, within some margin of error, if you're at home, but useless in saying which part of the home. And it can only track other people if they're willing to install an app (and have their phone with them). It can also be used for things like having left work, arrived at a vacation destination, or perhaps which section of your property like the golf course in your back yard or the squash court in the side yard.area
To determine if someone actually entered the house, or entered a specific room, you can use contact sensors, which indicates a door or window has been opened or closed. Obviously, this can't say who it was, or even if they're entering or exiting. They also require opening doors, which obviously often doesn't apply inside.
Motion detectors... well, you know what they do. There are some issues with them, such as sensitivity, polling rate, and false alarms (the vast majority of sensors see infrared changes, so heat sources will tend to throw them off). Still, they make for good lighting controls and such.
A few other "presence" types... There are pressure plates, vibration sensors, and beam sensors. Some of these are pretty uncommon, but if you're not adverse to DIY, they could be handy. For instance, a pressure sensor could tell if your car is parked, and a beam sensor can tell if the car has arrived. That is, a pressure plate can tell the difference between a car and a person, but is specific to only one specific location. A beam sensor can see between any two points, but can't tell the difference between a car and your grandmother's corpse.
Another option is BlueTooth. Using keychain fobs, specific people can be identified, and hypothetically located within a small-ish area, but still not good enough to pin-point a room/area. When combined with motion sensors, if people aren't in groups, you could get pretty close, for instance if only one person is in one part of the house, and a motion sensor is triggered for a specific room in that area, the system can know who is in what room.
Carefully combining these together - typically GPS, contact sensors, and/or motion sensors - you can get a good idea of where people are in a house. The closer you can get to the Holy Grail of knowing where people are, who they are, and what they are doing, the more automation can be fined-tuned to customize a house for them. Here's a post showing what creativity, planning, time, and pure stubbornness can accomplish.
[How are you going to stop using it?]
Shit happens. Plan for it. Example one... My dog likes to chew on my MagicCube and Pico remotes, which only control lights so no big deal, but if turning on a light while no one was home acted as a security alarm trigger, it'd be a big problem. Example two... a simple mistake in my automation code prevented lights from turning on or off - at all - and I couldn't stop right then to fix it. It's too easy to make a mistake, like having lights come on at 2am instead of 2pm, so put in overrides. Have options to disable routines. And use multi-point authentication systems for critical systems like alarms and locks. It doesn't take much to tank the SAF (Spouse Approval Factor), if not actually put you in physical danger.
Now on to the lists, but first a warning. Don't let them overwhelm you. The options with smart homes is long, but only the biggest dicks most dedicated [sorry, just jealous] do more than maybe a double handful of them.
Devices:

• Smart lighting / smart switches
  
• Buttons
  
• Smart outlets (including high-Amp/appliance outlets)
  
• Power monitors (built into many, but not all, smart outlets)
  
• LED strip/accent lighting (strictly speaking, not necessarily "smart", but is way better with smartness)
  
• Touch panel screen(s)
  
• Voice control (Alexa, Google Home and/or Bixby)
  
• Motion sensors
  
• Tilt sensors (garage door, tactile buttons)
  
• Accelerometevibration sensor (door sensors, washedryer, theft deterrence, tactile buttons)
  
• Distance sensors (don't know of any detail product) (credit to gergoio
  
• Water leak sensors (leak alerts, plant care)
  
• Temp sensors (for AC zone control, house fan, stove monitor, refrigerator monitor)
  
• Humidity sensors (bathroom vent fans, basement monitor)
  
• Doowindow contact and/or magnetometer sensors (good for closet lighting, home security and controlling HVAC)
  

(Note: There are multi-purpose sensors that combine various of the above into one device)

• Ilaser beam sensors (don't know of any retail product, aside from wired garage door sensors)
  
• Pressure sensors (don't know of any retail product)
  
• Smart locks
  
• Smart thermostat
  
• Smart vents
  
• Security cameras
  
• Blinds/curtains
  
• Smoke/Carbon Monoxide alarms (with remote alerts)
  
• Sprinkleirrigation/s controls (eg valves, solenoids, pumps, etc.)
  
• Pool automation (Note: There's actually not much on the market for pools that aren't very pricey)
  
• Robot vacuums
  
• Pet/child toys (just being thorough.... :-)
  

Not a device in the same way as those above, but there are also hubs that mimic remote controls for ceiling fans, tvs, window ACs, gas fireplaces, etc.
Automation ideas....
Note: The true wonder and power of home automation is being able to join together multiple triggers with multiple events for multiple devices, such as creating whole-house scenes, combining lighting, alerts, tv/movie player, fireplace, water features, etc., etc. It's impossible to list every combination, but... please share what you've done :-)
These are sorted roughly by category. The leading number in brackets is my opinion/guess on general difficulty (scale of 10, with 10 hardest), but that could drastically vary by specifics of the goal, how it's implemented, the platform, specific products, and how wrong my opinion is, so only use them if you don't know any better. "?" indicates it depends entirely on the platform.

• [2] Single controls for multiple lights (eg overhead lights and lamps)
  
• [3 to ?] Single controls for multiple lights doing different things (eg if overhead turns off, accent lighting turns on)
  
• [3] Single controls for both lights and ceiling fan
  
• [1] Single controls for multiple light functions (eg double-tap and long push)
  
• [1] Remote controls for lights and ceiling fans (or anything else)
  
• [1] Voice controls (just FYI, it's not as useful as you might think, unless you have it already and think it's super useful)
  
• [1] Motion controlled switches (eg waving instead of pushing - especially good for the disabled)
  
• [2] Porch light turns on when you arrive (accounting for time and/or ambient light level)
  
• [2] Porch light turns on when you open the door, and stay on for X seconds/minutes
  
• [1] Closet (or cabinet, crawl-space, etc.) light turns on when you open the door, and turns off when you close it
  
• [2] Lights come on at preset level
  
• [5] Lights come on at level based on time (and/or color temperature "warmth", with color lights)
  
• [3] Lights come on in nightlight mode at night (same as above, but deserves a separate bullet; deal with it)
  
• [1] Outdoor lights timed to sunrise and sunset
  
• [4] Lights come on at level based on weather (and/or color temperature "warmth", with color lights)
  
• [3] Lights come on at level based on room/outside brightness (and/or color temperature "warmth", with color lights)
  
• [3] Dim lights to preset level when tv is turned on
  
• [2] Single button to turn on whole entertainment system
  
• [3] Preset channel selection buttons (or auto-play movie from media server - Note: hacked Amazon Dash buttons are good for this, as are Xiaomi MagicCubes, with printed stickers)
  
• [10] Preset pizza/Chinese delivery buttons (use with care if you have children, or the dog gets ahold of the button, etc.) see bottom for a few button ideas
  
• [2] Emergency/panic button send text message, email, and/or sound alarm
  
• Color (or color flash) lights for weather (eg it's cold [4], or it will rain [6])
  
• [7] Color flash lights for incoming phone calls, texts and/or emails by sender, keyword and/or number
  
• [2] Color flash lights when household member arrives home (or gets near home)
  
• [4] Voice alerts for when household member arrives home (or gets near home)
  
• [1 to ?] Dim-to-off for lights (rather than abrupt change - this is pre-built into many systems, including Hue and Lutron switches.
  
• [2] "Scene" control for lighting for movies, parties, reading, snuggle time, bed time, etc. (using color lights)
  
• [1 to ?] Light colors "dance" to the music (Note: this only works in dorm rooms, "(wo)man-caves" and brothels)
  
• [1] Turn off (or on) lights when you leave the house (or [3] select lights when select people leave)
  
• [7 to 10] Vacation mode lighting to simulate occupancy (or, better yet, lights always simulate occupancy when not home ... and don't forget the tv)
  
• [1] Combination locks
  
• [1] Smart card locks
  
• [2] Auto lock doors (eg X minutes after being unlocked)
  
• [1] Lock the doors when you leave
  
• [6] Unlock the doors when you arrive (I STRONGLY recommend dual-authentication, such as phone geofencing COMBINED WITH garage door opening - other authentication can be hidden buttons or motion sensors, key fobs, video facial recognition, and possibly your car)
  
• [1] Change lock codes remotely
  
• [5] Change lock codes automatically (eg a sequential "cipher")
  
• [4] Set scenes based on different lock codes
  
• [2] Set single use (or X number use) lock codes
  
• [2] Schedule when lock codes will work (eg for house cleaner)
  
• [2] Enable/disable lock codes entirely at certain hours (if keyless locks, make sure you have a way to bypass, such as by phone app)
  
• [2] Send text alert (or color flash, sound, voice, etc.) on lock code usage (eg kids getting home)
  
• [1] Video doorbell
  
• [3] Flash lights with doorbell ring
  
• [2] Send text alert when door opens (or a light turns on, etc., possibly at certain times) (eg kids getting into shit they shouldn't)
  
• [2] Door sensor alert for liquor cabinet or gun case (or [3] toy chest, either child toys after bedtime or bedtime adult toys)
  
• [2] Door sensor on shed and/or fence (with alerts) (credit Cobra)
  
• [8] Stop light (or other parking-assistance) for inside garage
  
• [3] Voice alert/text for child's door opening during scheduled bedtime (credit homeautomaton)
  
• [2 to ?] Child's door sensor auto-shut-down of streaming media (credit homeautomaton)
  
• [4] Baby monitor with alerts providing two-way voice
  
• [6] Set alert for doors and/or windows left open with AC (or automatically disable AC or enable whole-house fan)
  
• [5] Voice alert for windows open when raining (credit to Cobra)
  
• [1] Remote video monitoring (don't spy on your spouse, you perv!)
  
• [2] Security system triggered by vibration sensor "tags" (ie attached to a tv)
  
• [2] Security system triggered if window is broken
  
• [2] Security system triggered by light switches
  
• [2] Security system triggered by motion sensors
  
• [8] Layered security monitoring using all of the above combined with cameras, locks, and contact sensors, with light and/or audio sirens, voice warnings, text alerts, and hypothetically phone calls
  
• [1] Simple, fast and multiple security alarm deactivation "secret" buttons (so no need to fumble around trying to remember and enter a number into the base station inevitably three rooms away that has a card next to it saying whether to push the star or pound sign while alarms are blaring in your ear)
  
• [2] Trigger ceiling fans based on temperature
  
• [4] Automate bathroom vent fans based on humidity
  
• [4 or so] Basement dehumidifier accounting for time (or presence) as well as humidity (that is, using different humidity thresholds based on other conditions)
  
• [4 to ?] Select music to play when arrive home
  
• [8 to ?] Select music playlist/channel based on who is home
  
• [4 to ?] Autoplay music in rooms based on motion
  
• [10 or ?] Select room music playlist/channel based on who in the room (would require in-home tracking, such as BT fobs or camera facial recognition)
  
• [4 to ?] Select music to play for "scene" like reading, snuggle time, etc.
  
• [3 to ?] Set volume and/or equalizer levels for "scene" like party, movie time, reading, etc.
  
• [?] Smart gaming pieces (ie embedded acceleration/touch sensors; light/sound response; random dice/player pieces; etc.)
  
• [2] Blinds/curtains set to open/close on schedule (and/or by weather, and/or by "scene")
  
• [3] Alert (text, light flash or sound) when mailbox is opened (range could be an issue)
  
• [?] Swipe card lock on mail slot box
  
• [?] Package delivery box keyed to parcel service (with alerts)
  
• [3] Text/voice alert (etc.) for leaks (toilets, sinks, washing machine, dishwasher, water heater, ice maker, aquariums, basement)
  
• [1] Valve cutoff with leak
  
• [7] Voice/sound alert for dryewasher being completed
  
• [4] Alert for clothesline dry based on moisture (range could be an issue)
  
• [2] Voice/sound alert for stove preheat
  
• [2] Voice/text alert for refrigeratofreezer left open (credit to Smart Home Solver on YouTube)
  
• [10] Schedule voice assistant to sing Happy Birthday (when birthday girl/boy is present)
  
• [3] Coffee pot set to start with alarm clock
  
• [?] Automatic/scheduled/controlled pet feeder and/or treat dispenser
  
• [3] Provide alert if pet has not been fed, or provide indication if pet has already been fed
  
• [3] Medicine reminders, if bottle hasn't been opened or moved (credit to Smart Home Solver on YouTube)
  
• [3] Aquarium temperature alerts
  
• [8] Aquarium or other light cycling through colors and brightness all day
  
• [10+] Aquarium cloud shadow or lightning effects by weather (best with addressable LEDs)
  
• [7] Aquarium auto-filling by level (using a water sensor - be sure to have backups in place for catastrophic leaks!)
  
• [9] Pool auto-filling by level (using a float with a contact sensor - be sure to have backups in place for catastrophic failure!)
  
• [2] Pool pump timer, possibly accounting for temperature and/or rain (probably will require high-amp relay)
  
• [9] Run pool pump set amount of time per day/week, including when manually turned on/off
  
• [3] Water heater timer (allowing weekends, holidays, etc., as opposed to "dumb" timers)
  
• [4] Water heater always on when home (perhaps combined with timer - "if home AND between X and Y o'clock" or "if home OR between X and Y oclock")
  
• [7] Water heater turns on when tank temperature rapidly drops (eg regardless of schedule, turn it on if actually used)
  
• [8] Have bathtub temperature and/or water level preset with auto-shutoff (and alert when full)
  
• [?] No-touch toilet flushing and/or sink faucets
  
• [2] Carbon monoxide levels trigger whole house and/or ceiling fans (and/or cut off furnace, open garage door, vent fans, alerts/alarm)
  
• [2] Monitor power usage of outlets
  
• [10] Fancy holiday lighting and patterns
  
• [1] Audio broadcasts (eg "Dinner time", "Bed time", "Take your medication", singing Happy Birthday, etc. - can be combined with buttons)
  
• [5] Audio broadcasts/text alerts for maintenance (eg AC filter, car registration renewal)
  
• [?] Disable/enable WiFi/internet access to devices by schedule or other event (eg disable kids' phone at "Dinner time", could be combined alert mentioned above)
  
• [?] Text alert for power outage
  
• [4] Schedule sprinklers/irrigation
  
• [7] Activate sprinklers/irrigation based on temperature and/or soil moisture
  
• [4] Motion based animal deterrence (eg alarm or activate robotic scarecrow)
  
• [1] Secret buttons (eg motion sensor in a book to retract a wall revealing a massive bunker filled with guns, with optional bunker filled with guns)
  
• [1] Fun buttons doing... whatever (like squishy toys, the Big Red Button, or the internet box - note: do not put a button on your shoe, because that's stupid)
  
• [2] Alert/light color for low batteries on smart sensors (credit to Smart Home Solver on YouTube)
  

If you've made it all the way here, lemme know if you want something closer to a step-by-step instructions of getting a "smart home" using a Hubitat. I don't like telling people "do this" when there are so many different ways, and I'm nowhere near done with my way, but with enough interest I might be convinced.
¹ Disclaimer: Just FYI, "switch", "remote" and "controller" can have varying meanings that differ between general usage, electrical devices, and in home automation. I'm using a generic, non-technical, meanings.

Thanks to everyone for all your support! I promised a follow-up, and here it is! (warning, it's long) Also, sorry that it's a repost (the original was removed, mea culpa, posted too soon after part 1).
If you want to read part one...
Quick summary: JNMIL went back on EVERY promise she made when we agreed to buy her father's (hub's grandfather's) house. When I tried to hold her accountable as she accosted me ON CHRISTMAS about buying the house, she said I was selfish for not agreeing to buy the house earlier than we agreed without her making the promised repairs and clearing her things out of it.
So...
We (hubs and I) return to the dump and have a serious discussion.
​

• SIL needs the money from the sale because of certain events in her life
• One cousin plans to use their share as a downpayment on a house
• We are expected to deal with the dilapidated pile of stones to help everyone else out and make MIL happy

We looked at the finances, and I shoot a text to MIL asking her what price she planned on asking for the house. Her response: $250...no, $255. She's basing this off of comps in the area, houses that are in MUCH better shape because they weren't minimally maintained for 7 years followed by being abandoned for 5. Ha.
On a lark, I look at other houses on Realtor.com. And yes, we could get a MUCH NICER house for the price she wants. It sucks that we've already put over $10k into the house, but we decide that we are not going to be the dumping grounds and settle for this. My mom agrees to advance lend us money for a down payment, and we start our secret house hunt.
Why secret? Because JNMIL cannot know. We're afraid she'll kick us out (we're still living there). So we tell her instead we're working with the mortgage company now. Yes, we lied. Still feel bad about it. And once we had a house secured, we lied again, and told her that we couldn't get approved for the mortgage, so we got an apartment and were clearing out. We agreed to finish the projects we were in the middle of, so the house wouldn't look like a construction zone.
Oh, and what about the main floor? (It's a split level) Can you do that floor, too?
No, we really don't want to, and I didn't purchase materials yet to do that floor...
But, but, it has to MATCH or it won't look good!
Ok, fine, if you'll pay the contractor who sanded the upper level floors to sand the main level, we'll stain and finish them.
Oh, also, what about the other bedrooms? You're painting the one, right?
Yes, but
Can't you paint the others? If it has new paint it will sell for more.
Um, OK, I did buy the paint, so I guess that's fine.
And, and, and, we need to redo the flower beds.
...What?
Yes, the flowerbeds. And dig up all my bulbs that were there. It'll only take a minute.
So these conversations took place over the course of several months. We basically repainted the entire upper level, including the trim, and cleaned out more stuff (now that the house was actually being sold, and not to us, she suddenly didn't need most of that stuff. Go figure). We discover that the wall behind a china cabinet is rotting out from the window because they didn't replace the roof like 5 years ago when it needed to be replaced. Both of us: Thank God we didn't buy it. She would have shrugged her shoulders and said "Oh well."
And throughout these months, we're still collecting mail and mailing it to her (because doing a change of address is to damn much when we can run around and do it instead), depositing grandfather's social security checks into his account for him, and basically busting our butts every weekend working on this stupid house to get it "ready to sell" (because while it was ready for us, it wasn't for anyone else). We've closed on our new home, and we love it. I got a promotion, and made $15k more per year, so we're in a great place.
And then I lost it. She's asking me to call and schedule things for the house, and call and ask about things like rules for smoke detectors and whatnot. I was like, "Why can't you call? I work during the day when these places are open, and you can ask the question just as well as I can."
Apparently that was rude. Coming from the woman who made me stand at the back of the ceremony during SIL's wedding 6 months prior. The woman who, when I offered to roast a turkey for Christmas insisted I use NO SALT AT ALL (yeah, makes for a shitty tasting turkey) for the grandfather, and then jokes about buying him the rotisserie chickens at the supermarket that are more salt than chicken to eat. The woman who called me selfish for wanting a decent home to live in.
So hubs and I ripped her apart. She cried about how "she never asked us to do anything" (recall the list above) and that there would have been no problems if we hadn't CHANGED the house.
There it is. The real issue. How dare we actually consider making the house our own.
It gets better. She had told us she'd pay us for the work we were doing on the house. I had declined, partly because I felt bad about lying, and partly because we had lived there for 4 months or so, and also because I truly love SIL and I knew doing the work to improve the house would help her out with the financial issue. Well, when we had the argument, that was of course revoked. Fine. We're done being manipulated. Using money to justify us accepting your treatment won't work.
So she appealed to SIL's husband, who works in construction, to fix the rotting wall and finish the updates on the house. There wasn't much, as we had replaced the fixtures, repainted everything from the ceilings down, replaced trim in one room, put in quarterround in the other rooms, stained and finished the floors in the entire upper level. The plan was for all of us to work together that weekend to do the main floor, the lower floor bathroom, and kitchen. A lot, but with 4 people over 2 days, we could do it.
BIL took one look at that wall and laughed. He looked at the rest of the place and noted that the walls around all the windows were patched (there was mold from the leaking roof). The contractor she sent to address the inspection problem just patched it up, so according to BIL, the whole house was infested with mold. He also noted that the ceiling tiles were asbestos, and there was asbestos in the attic. He noped out of doing anything.
Really sucked after working so hard on it, but w/e.
SIL called MIL and explained that the best thing to do would be to sell to a house flipper, which meant selling for a lot cheaper than she wanted, since the entire house had to be rehung to remediate the mold. Oh, and the pool was indeed broken (we told MIL this and she didn't listen). The house she wanted to charge us $255 for? Without actually fixing things like she promised and getting her crap out of it? That I was selfish for wanting to make sure it was habitable before I bought it?
Sold for $135. But sure, I'm the selfish one, not the person who wanted us to spend over $100k more than the house was worth to make everyone else happy instead of, I don't know, HER CHILD.
Happy ending--we paid my mother back with our share of the sale, and our house (that we bought for $260k, so only 5k more than she wanted) is over twice as large, is in a nice quiet neighborhood, and we love it. Oh, and she stopped bothering me!
​
ETA: Thanks for all the love!!!

When I was in graduate school, I worked for a junk removal company on the weekends. The area we operated in was mostly families and young professionals that lived in nice houses, so even though our job required us to regularly walk into stranger’s homes, I never felt uncomfortable with it.
That is until one afternoon, when we were assigned a job that could have been a set up for a bad horror movie. After we pulled into the home’s long driveway, my coworker and I got to work filling out the paperwork we would ultimately leave with the customer detailing the estimate we were there to provide. Upon completing the paperwork we look up and just outside the driver side window is our customer staring into the cab of the truck at us, a pretty ominous start to the whole encounter.
There wasn’t necessarily anything physically imposing about the man. He was about 6’ tall and broad but also bespectacled, pale, grey haired, and slightly hunched over. His demeanor was fairly subdued, in fact he kept his hands behind his back and he was very soft spoken. Despite his fairly non-threatening appearance, for whatever reason he gave off immediate serial killer vibes. To this day I’m not certain what was so unsettling about him, perhaps it was his blank expression and uncomfortable eye contact. There was just something off about him, and walking into his house didn’t help the situation.
The house emanated the same creepy energy as the owner. It was dimly lit and deadly quiet. He obviously lived alone. The decor, furniture, and fixtures were all firmly stuck in the 70s and it was clear he had no interest in modernizing. I believe he mentioned inheriting the house from his mother. Oddest of all was the drained indoor pool that was in the center of the house. To make matters worse, the item he wanted removed was in the furthest corner of his basement. He led us into a downstairs to a room full of boxes. I remember passing a life size witch Halloween decoration leering at us from among the boxes.
In the corner was a large metal tank with a diameter of 7 or 8 feet. I don’t recall what it’s purpose was, but it was strange. We let him know that it was going to be several hundred dollars just for disposal but we couldn’t give a good estimate for labor since there was no obvious simple solution for removing it from the basement (it would need to be either rolled/carried up the stairs or taken apart somehow). We explained the procedure for booking an appointment if he decided to proceed, handed him the written estimate and got out of that basement as soon as we could.
When we returned to the truck I immediately turned to my coworker and told him that I wouldn’t be returning to this guy’s house if he booked the job. To my relief, because if confirmed I wasn’t just imagining it, my coworker agreed that there was absolutely something off about the guy and he felt uneasy as well. We agreed to call our boss and warn him not to send anyone else out to his house if he tried to book the job.
I realize this story is more anticlimactic than some posted here, but it wasn’t his words or actions that made him creepy, just something about his presence that’s difficult to describe. Even though nothing happened, I think an older more cautious version of myself would not have followed this guy into his house. I believe that we all have a natural instinct to avoid danger and preserve our lives, and that day I probably should have been more in tune with my own instincts.

My wife Grace and I have been married for over 20 years and in that time, things had been relatively peaceful and pleasant. We had two great children that were becoming fine young adults, and we were living what most would call the American dream. Everything was just fine. Save for the creeping crushing boredom that had begun to invade the entirety of our lives and relationship. We both knew we had to break out of the tight little box we had created for ourselves before it crushed the love out of us. I had an idea. It’s always nice to have a hobby. That is what I had always heard.
Until this past year I had never allowed myself the pleasure or occasion to engage in an activity that was just for the sake of the endeavor. The fact that the hobby we decided upon was a shared hobby and not separate hobbies for each of us, something of very our own to enjoy, made it even uniquely more “us”. We both enjoyed watching those DIY shows scattered about the various cable home improvement channels. “Why not try something like that?”, we figured.
The idea was that on weekends we would wandered the city and countryside together seeking out the old and ramshackle, with a goal to breathe a new life into those dying items. How fitting right? We were trying to renew our lives through overhauling “things”.
There was as much joy found in the hunt for these fixtures and fittings as there was in the process of renewal and repurposing. It was amazing to have found such a fantastic new way to enjoy our time together and deepen our relationship. We began to regularly engage in what we lovingly called out “Treasure Hunts” to the local flea markets and thrift stores to find furniture items, knickknacks, art, and various other goodies for us to reimagine together. In a way, it gave us both a better insight into the souls of one another.
The activity allowed us to see how we each had both grown and evolved subtly over the past 20 years. The sneaking changes that crept into our being so slowly over time, that we didn’t even realize. I mean, it’s not like we had changed into completely different people, but I was even kind of surprised to learn how my creative mind had changed over the years. It made me feel new and fresh again.
For a good while the treasure hunts and repurpose projects went quite well but, as things do, even this marvelous hobby hinted at becoming a bit stale. Running through the same shops and markets started to get boring. That’s when Grace had the idea to start seeking out estate sales. At first, I wasn’t too keen on the idea of buying up dead people’s left behinds, but I’ll be damned if we couldn’t find some great treasures for down right reasonable prices.
I should have known better. You have got to be careful when moving into the realm of acquiring the items of those that have passed on. I mean sure, we may very well have been doing so at thrift stores and flea markets as well, but now we damn well knew it was the former possession of the recently deceased. There was just something that rubbed me wrong about certain items. I made damn sure I was never party to taking ownership of things like a dead mans gun. Call me superstitious.
I never even considered what darkness might be waiting to be unleashed by procuring a departed individuals art. I mean it’s obvious now. The passion and purpose that someone pours into something like a painting has an energy. If it didn’t I don’t think that art would be desired the way it is to folks. That energy transcends the passing. Sometimes the force that was the cause for the inspiration is even greater than we know. I know that now.
A few weeks ago, we ventured out of town to a large estate sale we found online. Normally we stayed close, but for some reason it seemed like the right time to strike out a bit further to find more… More of what I had no idea. I don’t know if we were looking for a deeper connection or different items or just something beyond the stagnant pool of shit that had been available in our usual places lately. You know how it is, once you have something you want even more. So, we decided to start collecting art as well.
Anyway, we came across and acquired a hauntingly beautiful piece. Our very first venture into being collectors of art. It was a painting of a Venice canal and city scene. The power of the painting may have emanated from the fact that it was completely devoid of life and activity, yet so full of wonder. The glistening waters of the canal. Sunlight highlighting the impeccable craftsmanship of the buildings. So detailed, yet just out of focus enough so that the blurry broad strokes drew in your focus and attention. It was… breath taking.
From the moment we arrived we knew something special was waiting for us. It was almost as if something was calling out. Drawing the two of us to an out of the way corner room of the mansion where the estate sale was being held. To a lower level. Not quite a basement, yet not like a storm cellar either. It was a dark little room that I am not even sure was supposed to be open to the public for the sale. We didn’t care. Something was calling us. We didn’t know what that something was, but for some strange reason we knew just where this “treasure” would be found in the home. Grace loved it from the moment she laid eyes on it. I too fell in love. It’s just that my first impression was a little bit different.
A tingle shot up my spin like cold icy fingers while the tiny hairs danced on the back of my neck. I was hit in the face with this energy; this blast of light in my mind’s eye. It was an image. More like a photo negative of in image just flashed across the screen of theater of my mind in blink of an eye. Quick like those porn scenes Brad Pitts character splices into regular movies in Fight Club. I wasn’t quite sure what I saw or if I saw anything at all.
My first impression was quickly brushed off and a warmth took hold of me as I gazed at that beautiful work of art. My eyes met Grace’s and we both smiled with a joy and excitement in our hearts we hadn’t felt in quiet some time. If only I had known what that flash was. If I could have only had a better look at that image at the time.
Over the next few weeks after bringing the painting home and hanging it prominently in the center of our family room wall our love for this masterpiece only grew. We even affixed it with its own little solar powered picture light to ensure that it glowed softly at night to greet us if we happened upon it at night, which I did. Recently, I have been taking to getting up to visit it at night. I have been having a horrible time sleeping. I have been having these strange glitch type interruptions in my dreams. It’s hard to explain, but I will try.
You know those cut scenes in movies where it has like a blast of static and then shows a short blip of something else happening, usually in lie a faded color or something maybe with a yellowish tint, and then little blast of static and back to the show? That is the kind of this that has been happening while I dream. It can be any type of dream, but that cut scene is always a little more of the same story. I can be doing some weird hike in the forest then, BAM! Cut to Grace standing in front of that painting. I say standing, but it was more like she was a ragdoll being suspended by an unseen string to look as if she were standing. Then poof back to hiking and saving the world. Over the past few nights and a bunch of little cut in interruptions, Grace had been getting closer to that painting, at some point it began to look as if there were someone else there watching from off to the side. Someone or something was hiding in the corner of the living, but I could never get a good look. A lurking shadow almost too large to be a person took up the corner of the room to the right of the painting. I couldn’t make out what or who it might be, but I could feel them looking back.
Needless to say, I was starting to feel haunted by those not quiet nightmares. There was something just so creepy about the whole thing. It wasn’t that I saw anything terrifying I just felt it. I had to take a look for myself just to make sure. I guess I had to prove to myself that it wasn’t real. It wasn’t something that was really happening. I don’t know.
The sequence had remained the same for a good while. Grace in front of the painting dangle walking closer and closer. A darkness watching from the corner of the living room. A sense of dread weighing down my soul. The bit size horror was always washed away by cutting back to the normal dreams. Until the point Grace wasn’t getting any closer to the painting. She just wasn’t there anymore.
After that I started to get closer to the painting. Closer and closer until a little blurry figure appeared in one of the empty windows of a building along the canal. A little blurry woman it appeared. The darkness in the corner grew and with this the dread grew. I couldn’t help myself I always had to go and check the painting and the damned corner. I would pop out of bed and clumsily half stumble, half run down the stairs to the painting to ensure that there was no person in the window. No Shadow lurking in the corner. Grace laying fast asleep in the bed as usual. I had to prove to myself that, none of it was real. That was until now.
It happened again tonight. Only this time as I got closer the woman was in a different window, and a little blurry man was in a boat in the canal. A little blurry man that looked to be wearing clothes very similar to what I was wearing when I nodded off next to Grace after work. I woke up and it was dark. It was dark, and Grace was gone. I searched the house and I could not find her anywhere. There was no answer any of the 20 times I had tried her phone either.
When I passed the painting just a few moments ago I swear I saw a little blurry woman in the window of that building in the exact same place as the flash scene in my dream. I am too scared to go look closely though. The shadow in the corner was there. I could feel it reaching out to me. I don’t think that I am going to survive the night.
If something happens to me don’t sell that painting.
Burn it.

This weekend the top two women's leagues in England, the Women's Super League and Women's Championship kick off. To mark that occasion I decided to do a mini write up on every PL's related women's club for those of you that are curious about your own club's women's team or all the clubs' sides.
After following Spurs for about a decade, I decided a few years ago that I didn't have enough whiplash from near successes and wanted to add their women's team to the mix, which at the time was in the 3rd division. The ensuing years have been mostly upds as they've gone from the (mostly) amateur game (National League), to the semi-pro/pro 2nd division (Championship), to finally their first ever season in the fully professional Women's Super League.
While the results were great, it also has been really rewarding to get to know names that were servants to the club that they and I love but fans likely will never had heard of or will hear of. Case in point is the recently retired Jenna Schicalli who was born and raised a Spurs fan, recently ending her last stint with the team from 2009-2020 in which she helped captain the team through multiple promotions, including the two I just spoke of. It's interesting to hear the perspective of players that are playing simply for the love of the game and club, since often times they have to have another job to supplement the little income they get outside of the top flight.
Following the ups and downs of the women's team has been rewarding for me, getting at times either double the joy from victories across the club or double the pain from defeats on the same weekend. But either way it was more football for me, and that's part of why I love the women's game. Maybe you will be in the same place as me and maybe not, but I figured at the very least this sort of post may pique your curiosity to see where your women's side sits in the pyramid in comparison to the men's side in the PL. Are they also in the top flight? Not far out in the Championship? Or down in the regional leagues?
I'll be trying to provide a brief summary for where each team is at, and due to a lack of info and familiarity some teams (especially the lower league teams) won't have the most info but I'll do my best!
It should be noted that the 3rd tier and below had their seasons cancelled with no pro/rel, whereas the WSL and Championship had their seasons canceled but PPG was still used to decide pro/rel and Champions League places. So that's why some teams were promoted and relegated while other first or last finishers didn't move at all.

FAQ

What competitions are going on this season?

• Leagues - Women's Super League, Championship, and the National League, and all the way down to the regional tiers (5th-7th)
  
• FA Cup(s) (19/20 & 20/21) The 19/20 FA Cup was postponed during the quarterfinals in March, they'll be played out in the next couple of months while the early stages of the 20/21 FA Cup are also being played
  
• League Cup - The primary League Cup in the vein of the men's competition and is competed between teams in the professional and semi-professional leagues, the Women's Super League and Championship respectively. The national and regional leagues below also have their own similar competitions going, much like the men's game.
  
• Champions League - Chelsea and Manchester City will be competing from the Round of 32 onward this season. Note that the format of the women's CL will be changing next season to more closely align with the men's competition, and England will have 3 spots in the competition as opposed to the current 2.
  

How can I watch the leagues? (Inside and outside the UK)

If you're in the UK WSL matches will be broadcast on BT Sport and BBC iPlayeRed Button. The rest will be free to view with an account on the FA Player website. Currently only one Championship match a week will be streamed, though all WSL and Championship matches will be available to be viewed on demand in the FA Player website.
Outside the UK, the answer is similar to the answer I just provided, substituting BT Sport and BBC for other TV broadcasters in select nations. If your country/region doesn't have a TV deal, all WSL matches and will be available live for free on the FA Player!
When it comes to the lower leagues, some teams have streamed matches but it's largely absent from the women's game outside of the top league(s).

Where can I talk about the leagues?

/FAWSL has been restarted and is gaining traction as a place to discuss all the relevant clubs and matches. There are women's club subreddits for some of the large teams, but it seems that most PL club subreddits are open to women's team news being posted there as well.

Arsenal

Current League: WSL (1st tier) | 19/20 finish: 3rd/12
As much as I hate to say it, one of the titans of the English women's game. Arsenal are ever-present around the CL spots (fitting for the only English team to actually win the competition), though last year they finished just outside a CL spot in 3rd place on PPG as the WSL season was decided early. They'll only have domestic competition to focus on this year, and that may end up being to their benefit. Having arguably the best women's player in the world in Vivianne Miedema doesn't hurt either, with the 24 year old still improving year after year.
Opening fixture: Arsenal vs Reading - 6th September 12:30 BST – Watch live for free on the FA Player
FA Cup 2019/20: Arsenal vs Tottenham Hotspur on 26th/27th September - Watch live on BBC iPlayer and BBC Red Button

Aston Villa

Current League: WSL | 19/20 finish: 1st/11 in Championship on PPG (Promoted)
The lone promoted side in this year's league, taking Liverpool's place. Villa will be aiming to stay in the WSL and will likely achieve that with (relative) ease, looking at the improvement from this off-season on their already strong Championship squad.
Opening fixtures: Aston Villa 0-2 Manchester City - 5th September 14:30 BST - Watch live on BT Sport (UK), or free on the FA Player (International)
Reading vs Aston Villa - 13th September 14:00 BST - Watch live for free on the FA Player

Brighton & Hove Albion

Current League: WSL | 19/20 finish: 9th/12 in WSL; 19/20 FA Cup quarterfinal vs Birmingham City on 26/27 September
Brighton are still relatively fresh blood in the WSL, only joining in 18/19 as one of two promotions during the restructuring of the top two leagues. They finished 9th/11 in their first season after promotion from WSL 2 (now Championship) and last season didn't get a chance to prove they had improved, finishing 9th/12. They likely don't have anything to fear in regards to relegation, with their seasoned squad having a lot of professional experience by now, but with how other teams around them have been improving you likely won't see them climb much higher up the table.
Opening fixture: Brighton & Hove Albion vs Birmingham City - 6th September 14:00 BST - Watch live for free on the FA Player*
FA Cup 2019/20: Brighton & Hove Albion vs Birmingham City - 26th/27th September

Burnley

Current League: FA Women's National League North (Premier Division) [3rd tier] | 19/20 finish: 5th/12
Following back to back promotions from the 5th tier in 17/18 and 4th tier in 18/19, Burnely found themselves playing just a single step below the semi-professional game. They finished a surprising 5th with a few matches in hand on some of the teams above them, but there likely would have been no catching league leaders Sunderland who had yet to lose a match in 14 played.
Opening fixture: Sunderland AFC Ladies v Burnley FC Women on Sunday 20th September

Chelsea

Current League: WSL | 19/20 finish: 1st/12 in WSL (Champs), 19/20 League Cup Champs
One of the standard bearers for women's club football in England, Chelsea won their first league title since 2017-18 (not the longest wait, eh?) Chelsea will be aiming to once again win the league as well as to reach their first ever Champions League final. Chelsea have reached the semi-finals in their last two attempts (17/18 & 18/19) but were knocked out by Wolfsburg and Lyon, two of the most dominant sides in women's Champions League history.
Adding Danish women's national team captain Pernille Harder this summer for a world record transfer fee in women's football probably will help give them a slight boost in the league and CL. That's in addition to Sam Kerr who Chelsea added in the second half of 2019. The Australian at age 26 is already the all time leading scorer in two leagues, NWSL in the United States and W-League in Australia.
Opening fixture: Manchester United vs Chelsea - 6th September 14:30 BST - Watch live on BT Sport (UK), or free on the FA Player* (International)
FA Cup 2019/20: Everton vs Chelsea on 26th/27th September

Crystal Palace

Current League: Championship | 19/20 finish: 9th/11
Palace joined the WSL 2 (now Championship) in 2018/19 during the restructuring of the 1st and 2nd women's divisions, gaining their spot through an application. They had finished 3rd in their league so they weren't slouches, but they still have yet to break through to midtable of the Championship. They finished 10th/11 in their first foray in the 2nd division, below all four of the other newly promoted sides including Sheffield United who were actually a division below them in 17/18. They didn't get to prove themselves much better than that in 19/20, only finishing one place higher when the season was cut short this past spring. All that said, they have added players with WSL and Championship experience and should hopefully finish at least mid-table in this upcoming Championship season.
Opening fixture: Charlton Athletic vs Crystal Palace - 6th September 14:00 BST - Watch replay for free on the FA Player*

Everton

Current League: WSL | 19/20 finish: 6th/12; 19/20 FA Cup quarter-final vs Chelsea 26/27 September
Everton finished midtable last year but their 10 additions between spring (3) and summer (7) may have them either on the outskirts of a Champions League spot if everything clicks or stalling or falling in the table due to needing time to click. French forward Valerie Gauvin is likely the new addition to watch in their squad.
Opening fixture: Bristol City vs Everton - 6th September 14:00 BST - Watch live for free on the FA Player*
FA Cup 2019/20: Everton vs Chelsea on 26th/27th September

Fulham

Current League: London and South East Women's Regional Football League (5th) | 19/20 finish: 5th/10
The lowest division representative in this list, Fulham have a storied history, one with the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Highlights include in 2000 they were the first full-time professional women's side and a 2003 FA Cup victory. Sadly the team was dissolved twice in four years (2006 & 2010), not reforming until 2014 as Fulham FC Foundation ladies. Fulham have been in the 5th tier since 14/15, winning promotion from the 6th tier the previous season. They finished a surprising 4th/10 in their first season in the top flight, but haven't been able to finish past 5th, routinely in the lower half of the table though not needing to stave off relegation. The team has been receiving more and more attention and from the main club notably becoming Fulham FC Women in 2018 with reinvestment in the team, and that may lead to improved results this upcoming season and hopefully promotion in the near future.
Opening fixture: Denham United vs Fulham FC on Sunday 13th September

Leeds United

Current league: National League Division One North (4th tier) | 19/20 finish: 2nd/12
Leeds United were among the top sides fighting for promotion, the closest challenger to Barnsley when the season was called off. It is expected that they should be able to repeat that effort this season. The club has yet to reach the semi-professional game, and finally exiting the 4th tier would be a huge step in achieving progress to that goal.
Opening fixture: Norton & Stockton vs Leeds United on 20 September

Leicester City

Current League: Championship | 19/20 finish: 6th
Leicester City was brought into the fold of the main club, going from a partner to being integrated as one of only a few fully professional clubs in the Championship. They'll likely be fighting with Liverpool and Sheffield for the one promotion spot, and one shouldn't doubt their capabilities in winning it all.
They're the lone 2nd division team left in the 2019/20 FA Cup, though with just about the toughest draw, facing the defending champs Manchester City.
Opening fixture: Leicester City vs Blackburn Rovers - Sunday 6th September 14:00 BST - Watch replay for free on the FA Player*
FA Cup 2019/20: Leicester City vs Manchester City 26th/27th September

Liverpool

Current League: Championship | 19/20 finish: 12th/12 in WSL (Relegated)
Lot of criticism has been swirling around this team, some just and unjust, but even the main club could understand that the men winning the league and the women being relegated in the same season wasn't the best look. Sure, the fact that they went on PPG in a season that didn't complete didn't give them a fair shake, but they'll have to prove this season that they truly belong in the WSL. In Leicester City and Sheffield United they have very strong opponents in the fight for promotion.
Opening fixture: Liverpool vs Durham on Sunday 6th September 14:00 BST - Watch for free on the FA Player*

Manchester City

Current League: WSL | 19/20 finish: 2nd/12 in WSL
Perennial 2nd place finishers in recent years, outside of a league win in 2016, City have finished 2nd every season since 2015. Losing this past season on PPG has to be one of the more bitter pills to swallow, but after a 2-0 loss to Chelsea for the newly revived Women's Community Shield this past weekend, City will be hoping that their new recruits including Sam Mewis and Rose Lavelle, 2019 World Cup winners with the United States, will help push them past the hurdle of 2nd place as well as give them a boost in Europe. Similar to Chelsea, they have yet to reach a Champions League final, only making it to the Round of 32 and Round of 16 in the last two seasons, getting knocked out by Atletico Madrid both years.
Opening fixture: Aston Villa 0-2 Manchester City - 5th September 14:30 BST - Watch live on BT Sport (UK), or free on the FA Player* (International)
Manchester City vs Brighton & Hove Albion - 13th September 14:00 BST - Watch live for free on the FA Player*
FA Cup 2019/20: Leicester City vs Manchester City 26th/27th September

Manchester United

Current League: WSL | 19/20 finish: 4th/12 in WSL on PPG
The best of the rest outside of the top 3, which is pretty good for a team in only its 3rd season of existence. They easily won the Championship in 18/19 with only 1 draw and 1 loss and their first year in the WSL saw them continue their impressive form. This year they're aiming to challenge for the Champions League, though it should be said that last year there was a clear gap between them and a CL spot with 4th placed United getting 1.64 PPG while Arsenal in 3rd had 2.40.
The Red Devils hope that the additions of World Champions Tobin Heath and Cristen Press will propel them to a Champions League spot this year, finally breaking into the top 3 of the WSL after a long wait of...3 years.
Opening fixture: Manchester United vs Chelsea - 6th September 14:30 BST - Watch live on BT Sport (UK), or free on the FA Player* (International)

Newcastle United

Current League: National League Division One North (4th tier) | 19/20 finish: 6th/12
Newcastle had been in the 3rd division as recently as 2016/17 when they were relegated after gaining only 7 points in 20 matches. They have yet to truly challenge for promotion back into the 3rd tier, finishing 5th, 9th, and 6th in their seasons after relegation. Most recently the team entered into a partnership with Northumbria University to provide Strength and Conditioning, Performance Analysis and Physiotherapy as well as management of the club itself.
Opening fixture: Durham Cestria vs Newcastle United on Sunday 20th September

Sheffield United

Current League: Championship | 19/20 finish: 2nd/11
Sheffield finished under Aston Villa in PPG and it's a wonder where the two teams would have finished in a full season. That said, their solid base has been improved upon roster wise, but the loss of manager Carla Ward to WSL side Birmingham City may be the largest challenge to the club. They took their time in replacing her, and it'll be up to former Liverpool Women and Newcastle United U23 manager Neil Redfearn to keep up with Leicester and Liverpool.
Opening fixture: London City Lionesses vs Sheffield United - Sunday 6th September 14:00 BST - Watch replay for free on the FA Player*

Southampton

Current League: National League Division One South West (4th tier) | 19/20 finish: 1st/11
After back to back promotions from the 6th tier in 17/18 and 5th tier in 18/19, Southampton FC Women were looking to establish themselves in their first season in the 4th division. They ended up fighting with similarly named Southampton Women's F.C. for promotion to the 3rd tier, but with only 11 and 12 matches played respectively, it's a wonder who would have been the side to clinch the league. Southampton's official women's side should expect to be the favorites going into this season, but time will tell for how things add up.
Opening fixture: Poole Town vs Southampton FC on Sunday 20th September

Tottenham Hotspur

Current League: WSL | 19/20 finish: 7th/12;
Spurs are a contrast to Manchester United, both being promoted to the WSL the same year but under quite different circumstances. After years in the lower tiers Spurs were able to get a bit more investment to add to some of their longterm players. After each subsequent season they've retooled their squad with each season, exemplified by the fact that Josie Green is the only remaining player on the squad that played with the team in the amateur game. Speaking of that time, Spurs' results truly bloomed in 2016/17 when they won four trophies, including promotion to the 2nd division. They finished 7th place in 2017/18, their first semi-professional season, the highlight being securing their first ever victories over top flight sides in cup competitions. The 2018/19 saw them rocket up the table, finishing 2nd and in a promotion spot under the juggernauts of Manchester United. Their first WSL season followed a similar pattern to their first WSL 2 season, once again finishing 7th and they're still waiting to play in their furthest advanced round in the FA Cup, a quarter-final with Arsenal.
I'm dreading Spurs' match vs Arsenal in the FA Cup later this month, but I am happy when I look back on prior results and see all the progress that has been made. Spurs had an infamous 10-0 loss to Arsenal in the Round of 16 back in 2016/17 when they were an amateur side, but when facing them in league play this past season 2 1/2 years later, they only lost 2-0. They're still looking for that first win over a top half side in the WSL, but with a season of WSL under the squad and management's belt, they should be able to achieve an upper mid-table finish and hopefully be an increasingly challenging fixture against the top sides.
Opening fixture: Tottenham Hotspur vs West Ham - 6th September 14:00 BST - Watch live for free on the FA Player*
FA Cup 2019/20: Arsenal vs Tottenham Hotspur on 26th/27th September - Watch live on BBC iPlayer and BBC Red Button

West Bromwich Albion

Current League: National League Premier Division North (3rd tier) | 19/20 finish: 7th/12
West Brom have had a brief yo-yo situation as of late, finishing 6th in their division 16/17, relegated from the 3rd tier in 17/18, winning back promotion 18/19, and seeming to settle back into midtable in 19/20. At this point it seems they should be focusing on stability and remaining in the 3rd division.
Opening fixture: West Bromwich Albion vs Nottingham Forest on Sunday 20th September

West Ham United

Current league: WSL | 19/20 finish: 8th/12
West Ham are another team that's relatively new to the WSL, making the surprising jump from the 3rd tier amateur game all the way to the professional game in 2018/19, bypassing the Championship when the FA was restructuring the leagues. They settled right into midtable in their first WSL season with a 7th place finish, the highlight being a surprising FA Cup final appearance in what ended up a 3-0 loss to Man City. The next season saw them stay in just about the same place, finishing 8th on PPG. As the team has brought in more players on a permanent or temporary loan basis, West Ham will be looking to finish in the upper midtable and challenge fellow midtable sides as well as the CL contenders more evenly.
Opening fixture: Tottenham Hotspur vs West Ham - Sunday 6th September 14:00 BST - Watch live for free on the FA Player*

Wolverhampton Wanderers

Current League: National League Division One Midlands (4th tier) | 19/20 finish: 1st/12
One of the victims of the lower leagues getting cancelled with no pro/rel, Wolverhampton were running away with their league on 14 wins, 1 loss, and an incredible +73 goal differntial when the season was cancelled. Wolves will hope to repeat their dominance but this time with a complete season and the reward of promotion to the 3rd tier, just a league below the Championship.
Opening fixture: Leafield Athletic vs Wolverhampton Wanderers on Sunday 20th September
Hope that was interesting to folks, let me know if I got anything wrong or you have any questions. There will be match threads on /FAWSL for some of the matches today, hope you join in on the discussion if your team is playing!

We have 18 players on loan currently. If you’re looking for some Arsenal content tonight i’ll be updating this as the action happens for players. A lot of games.
Iliev gets his second start for Shrewsbury in tonight’s first game, they host Bristol Rovers. That’s at 18:00. (0-1)
15’ Goal! Bristol! Brandon Harlan puts it past Iliev to put Rovers 1-0 up
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Gillingham lost to previously bottom of the log MK Dons 2-0 on the weekend. Medley is expected to still start, Trae Coyle may find himself warming the bench again. Line ups in 5 minutes. (0-2)

• Medley rested for this Fixture, Coyle on the bench

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Dan Ballard may make his debut for Blackpool tonight after a very impressive international display for Northern Ireland. Midweek fixture could see rotation, line ups in 35 minutes. They host Charlton at 19:00 (0-0)
-Named on the bench
4’ Ballard Subbed on due to James Husband receiving an early red card. Took down the last man just outside the box, unlucky for Pool, but time for Ballard to show his grit!
81’ Big collision and Ballard is down
83’ Goal! Charlton! 1-0
Ballard is awarded man of the match! Unlucky on with the result —————————
McGuinness probably on the bench again for Ipswich who travel to Doncaster. Tyreece won’t feature as he’s out for up to a month. Games at 19:00
-Also on the bench
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Bola could get his second start for Rochdale who host Burton Albion at 19:45
-Bola gets his second start
26’ Bola puts Newby in, good touch, but fired wide.
58’ Bola puts Newby in behind ! but it’s just a corner.
61’ Bola does well to get the ball out for a corner
65’ Bola brought down just outside the penalty area, Free kick.
67’ Bola sends in another ball, dangerous, but good defending from Albion.
75’ Great ball in by Bola! but it’s cleared away. ——————————-
Matt Smith should retain his starting spot for Swindon who host Northampton Town @ 19:45
-Matt Smith in the starting line up as expected
8’ Goal! Northampton! 1-0
22’ Matt Smith gets the ball in space, puts his winger through, Chance! But it’s over the cross bar!
28’ Goal! Northampton! 2-0
41’ Matt receives the ball on the edge of the box but sends it down the keepers throat
44’ Smith with his trademark no look pass puts Hope through but it’s wide
62’ Matt takes a good free kick that curls into the box but the connection goes over
75’ Penalty! Swindon!
76’ Goal! Swindon slots the penalty home and they have hope! 2-1
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Harrison Clarke will be hoping to make his debut for Oldham who host Carlisle @ 19:00 (1-1) - Not in the squad tonight - Correction Harrison was in the squad and subbed on in the final five minutes
———————————
Finally Olayinka will be hoping for a start with Southend who travel to Salford. Games at 19:45 (3-0) -Olayinka makes his debut
26’ Goal, Salford take the lead 27’ Olayinka gets a yellow card 58’ James Wilson puts Salford 2 ahead 63’ Calamity for Southend as Salford go 3 ahead
———————————-
I will re order this as line ups are released to structure games where our players take part. Live scores will be updated below the sub headings. * on the loan report: Due to 18 players being on loan i will be rotating 6 players a week to help with workload . I didn’t anticipate Arsenal loaning out a further 12 players. I hope those interested understand this and for my own sake i need to keep it at around 6 to manage my own personal workload. Peace and Love. COYG!!!

Warning ! Super long vomit of details and pain.
There are so many books and blogs I’ve read. So many podcasts and online classes!
Historical context : I met my now husband at work. He was going through an awful divorce. She would take his car and steal his wallet when he was at work. She hired a private detective and had him followed. She was mean and nasty to him and abusive to their children. One day I drove him to the DMV to get a new license and bought him some clothes because she had taken everything. He had 2 small children with her and he suffered greatly knowing he was going to lose them to her even though he thought she was bipolar. I didn’t want to get involved with him. His life was a complete mess. We were friends and colleagues for over a year. We worked closely together and did very well in business as a team. I confided in him and he told me about his life. He made me laugh and made me feel safe. One day, at a work event, he hadn’t shown up as expected and I felt a pang in my heart that perhaps he wouldn’t show. When he finally did, 2 hours later, I felt so happy to see him walking up. I knew at that moment I loved him. We had sex that night. He still wasn’t legally divorced. His divorce took 3 long years to finalize. His ex dragged him through the mud and emasculated him. He smoked pot daily and took anti anxiety and anti depression medication. He told me of many traumatic events in his past. The first being he was run over by a car when he was six. The second was a plane landing on the highway behind him and exploding, killing a family in a minivan behind him. The third, his ex got pregnant after 6 weeks of casual dating and having the baby and then him asking for a paternity test and discovering it was his son.
Despite the trauma and drama, he loved me and I loved him. I struggled with the fact that though he said he didn’t love his ex, he married her to raise his son, thinking he would make it work. He had a second child with her 3 years after the first. He claimed that he didn’t love her still but he was married and she was his wife so sex with her was his only option and the second baby just happened. 6 years into the marriage, it became intolerable. She called the police and had him arrested for spousal abuse. She filed for divorce and made him go through court ordered anger management and drug tests before letting him see his children. He claimed it was all an exaggeration and I believed him. He was under a lot of stress and would be angry from time to time, but I saw no evidence that he was an abusive or hateful man. He loved his children and everyone thought he was the nicest man they knew. People would tell me I was so lucky to meet such a nice man.
We dated while he finalized his divorce for 2 years. At first, I kept it causal (in my head at least). Though he expressed that he loved me very early on, the thought of going “all in” with him made me a little uncomfortable since he was still not officially divorced and he’d been through so much. I thought he’d need some time to heal and I could be there for him until he was ready. I didn’t date anyone else but I was 38 and had lived as a single lady for a long time before meeting him. I still texted here and there with other men. One guy in particular and I had always had an on again off again relationship. We were quite perfect for each other yet were never in the right place at the right time to make it work. We’d been meeting in each other’s places once every 3 months or so to see each other and exchanged texts on a regular basis. After being intimate with my now hubs, we were on a business trip and he looked through my phone when I got out of the car to go in a store and found a text to Mr. out of town where I’d said “I want to snuggle.” He felt completely betrayed by it and was very angry with me for saying that to another man when he had said he loved me and we’d been intimate. Honestly, I was shocked by his feelings. How could he feel so strongly about this when we’d not discussed how our relationship was defined and he was still legally married? I apologized profusely and said I had no idea he felt so strongly about an exclusive relationship with me and said I’d break it off with any others even if a “textual” relationship and I did. I told all of my casual dating friends I had from the past that I was now in a relationship and tied up any loose ends. I didn’t delete them from my phone or social media, but I did not contact them again, nor did I hide the fact that I was now in a relationship and was unavailable.
He finally got a divorce and he and I had been living between his place and mine fairly permanently together. The only time we were apart was on the weekends he had with his kids. We both felt it was important that he have that time with them and they didn’t need to meet me yet. His boy was 6 and his girl was 3 when we met. They went through a lot in the divorce and we didn’t think they needed a new woman in the picture just yet.
I did feel jealous when his kids needed him when we were together and he’d have to drop everything and cancel or abandon plans to rescue them from some ridiculous chaos his ex had invented. She was always texting him when we were together about something to stir up trouble. One night, he was staying at my house and around 1 am, she calls to say their cat had been found dead by the road and he needed to come and bury it. (He suspects she killed the cat) But he left in the pouring rain to go and bury the cat. There was always something she needed or wanted to fight about. She posted pictures of me on Facebook and called me a whore. She had us followed and photographed as “evidence” of an affair that he was openly honest with her about. (She has a carousel of men living with her with the kids at the same time) It was tough for me to share him with another woman and their children, but I was kind and tolerant and of course, never wanted to be between him and his kids. I tried my best to be understanding and supportive of him in the most difficult situation.
Once they were divorced, he assumed ownership of the house they’d owned together. This was the house she’d grown up in. (His ex FIL “made him a deal” on the house and sold it to him for their life together) He said he didn’t want the house, but he needed to live there for a while since he’d lost so much in the divorce and the alimony and child support was equal to just about as much as he made in salary a month. He also wanted the house to maintain some kind of normalcy for the kids. He asked me to give up my lovely house in the city and move in with him officially in the suburbs while he saved some money and fixed the house up for sale. I didn’t like the idea of living in their house. It made my skin crawl to think of living in their life. He insisted that it was all he could offer and we could make it ours until we found a new place that was all for us. I begrudgingly agreed because it was the most logical division fiscally for him. I painted the walls and changed the fixtures and bought some new furniture and it was ok. Though I missed my friends in the city and felt as though I’d compromised what I wanted to help him. I wanted to be with him and I loved him, so I felt it was a supportive decision. By then I’d met his kids. They were emotionally damaged and he was the over protective “Disney dad” He bought them too much stuff and didn’t establish any expectations of them. I grew up in a rather strict household, so I struggled with the lack of structure and spoiling. I also had no clue how hard being a stepmom could be and felt awkwardly out of place and foreign. I felt like I was expected to love them right away and to “fall in” with a family that wasn’t mine. We still did ok until he proposed. He took me to Barcelona and surprised me with a proposal out of a fairy tale. It was more than a girl could ever dream of but I remember feeling a little numb as I said yes. As if, I was saying goodbye to a life that would never be free of other people’s interference. I wasn’t saying yes to OUR life together. I was saying yes to THIERS too. The ex, his kids, his parents and there was SO MUCH of all them that made me second fiddle to any decision or dream we might pursue. I loved him and said yes anyway. I had been unmarried for 39 years and felt comfortable jumping in to a new way of living with all the messiness it brought because I felt like I could handle it.
Once he gave me the ring, that is when it started to happen. One day while talking our dogs for a walk, he got upset with me for being indecisive about setting a wedding date and spending money on the wedding. He screamed at me so loud that I remember it echoing across the mountain... “I gave you the ring. Now it’s time for you to ante up!!” (It is a BEAUTIFUL ring!) I didn’t want to rush into picking a date and planning a wedding. His mother pressured for a date constantly. We found our dream home. I had been sick with shingles. We needed to fix up his old house for sale. I’d started a new job and so had he. It was a lot of change to manage and I wanted to take our time. If we were talking about forever, what did it matter? I ended up paying for all the repairs on his old house. I planned the wedding almost all on my own. All of his money went to his ex and his kids and I became increasingly stressed and resentful. I cashed in my 401k, took out a short term personal loan and he sold the house to put down a down payment on our new home. I continued to plan and pay for our wedding while he worked and laid by the pool and read a book. My job was incredibly demanding and I worked a lot. He didn’t seem very interested in helping me. I bought all the furniture to fill our new house and his mother demanded I make our wedding something her family could enjoy. It was very expensive and yet, I paid for it without too much complaining. Though I did often ask my husband to help me plan, or to help me manage his mother’s interference. I did express my need for him to help me with the expense of the move and the new house and the wedding, but it became more of a requirement to “align” with him and less of a discussion. He would always complain of being stuck in the middle in an impossible situation and did little to protect me or help me at all. He became more and more volatile. He’d lose his mind in traffic and drive dangerously. One night, we got really drunk tailgating at a college football game and I was bumbling happily around trying to find our car after and he got angry and pushed me to the ground, tearing my coat saying I was being argumentative and I should just listen to him. The police saw him push me down and intervened. They asked me to tell them if he’d been violent and I lied so he wouldn’t get in trouble. Once we were back together and on our way home, he kept yelling at me that I had just stupidly tripped and he couldn’t believe that I would put him at risk like that. Many many other small things became a long list of confusing outbursts and anger. One day, I was chatting on Skype with one of my long distance best friends (who happened to be a gay man) about how I was so stressed out with all the planning and chaos that seemed to surround him that if it weren’t for the dogs and the new house and the pool I’d yet to swim in, I’d love to just live simply in a little apartment again. I went on after saying that to say that clarify that I was just venting and that I loved him and was looking forward to the wedding.
He went through my phone and found this conversation and it has become the “single biggest betrayal of his life.” Even what his ex wife did couldn’t measure up to this horrendous confession!!
The day before our rehearsal dinner, I was so stressed and so behind that I felt like I was going to collapse. The rehearsal dinner was held in our backyard and family was coming that day to stay at our house, and I had no idea how I was going to pay for the rehearsal dinner or have the house clean and ready. I needed help. My best friend called and sensed my stress and took the day off of work to come and help me. We cleaned the house and arranged the remaining items for 11 hours straight hours before my parents arrived. My hubs had a “work meeting” in the city and ended up having too much to drink with a lady customer at a bar. As we do the same thing for work, I understood that sometimes you have to spend time with customers to build the relationship and though I was completely disappointed that he wouldn’t make me and our wedding a priority, I asked him to do just one thing for me if he was going to be out - Pick up my best friends dress on his way home. He begins texting me about 5pm reeally drunk that he was a failure and a loser and that nothing mattered. He finally comes home around 730pm (the meeting was at noon) and says nothing, goes straight to bed and passes out. We didn’t even know he was home until my friend began vacuuming in our bedroom and saw him splayed out across the bed. When my parents arrived 30 mins later, I lied and said he had a horrible headaches and wasn’t able to come out and greet them. The next day, I confided in him that I had no idea how we would pay the caterer the remainder of the bill. He insisted that my family pay for it. That my parents were worthless and that they should pay for something. I was 39 and made 3 times as much as they ever did and did not want to ask them in retirement to pay. I ended up asking to borrow $2500 from my aunt so we could pay. We owed more because his parents had invited 10 extra people to the dinner even though I’d told them I couldn’t afford any more changes and we wanted to keep it to wedding party and immediate family only. They showed up anyway!
We got married and it was a beautiful day, but I cried out of sheer exhaustion when we got home. My husband was angry with me. “Really!!? Crying in our wedding night!?” We left for our Hawaiian honeymoon a week later and it was beautiful! Until the last night... he got upset with me because I misunderstood his “instruction” to secure a beach umbrella while he went back to the room to get something forgotten. He yelled at me, said I had a dumb blank stare and I wouldn’t listen. He yelled at the poor man that was to dig a hole to set out our umbrella. He was mean. I ended up crying, feeling so betrayed in our room and him speaking to me harshly - so much that the guests next to us called the hotel to report a disturbance.
When we returned home and time passed, it got worse from there. He became very suspicious of me. Delusional and jealous. He claimed I was a liar and cheater. He’s called me a whore. Said my p*** was rotten. He’s accused me of giving him an std. He’s slammed a paint can down in our bathroom splattering paint all over the floor, walls, carpets and cabinets. He didn’t help me clean it up nor did he apologize for it. He blamed me for “blocking him in the bathroom - you know you can’t do that to me” Any time I would go out of town on business, he would start a fight with me. He would need to know every where I would be and who I would be with and constantly text me the entire time. Any time I would plan time with friends or family he would find a way to sabotage it or claim I was abandoning him or betraying him. He isolated me from friends and family. He said I was a horrible wife and that our wedding was a farce. Nearly every time we fight he finds a way to work divorce into it. I don’t get many presents on Christmas or birthdays. Special occasions like anniversaries or birthdays or Valentines are usually somehow overshadowed by his parents or his kids’ needs or wants and often by his ex wife’s bs. He claims sex is a fundamental need and he’s starving for attention and affection. Hes told me if I don’t have sex with him “he’ll need to find someone else to fuck to feel loved” I could go on and and on and on.
He’s said that I’m a self sabotaging avoidant. I found us a marriage counselor and he went with me for a while but I felt it wasn’t helpful because I was afraid of what he’d say when we left. He was so fake in our sessions and always talked about the deficit he felt in our marriage. That we were “hanging by a thread” and he was “desperately searching for water in a desert” He claims I am secretive and I give intimacy to others that I refuse to give him and it makes him crazy. He ended up not going with me to counseling and I continued to see the therapist alone. He helped me come up with strategies to try and fix how we communicated. I tried almost everything I could think of, yet his jealousy and rage only increased.
Fast forward to this year, our 4th year of marriage. His son moved in with us over the summer. His ex and new husband was verbally and emotionally abusing him and asked the court to allow him to live with us. He’s 15 and depressed and he came with a 1 year old golden doodle that I told them both I did not want to live with us. The dog came anyway. Hubs spends all of his time with his son and the dog and continues to neglect our relationship. He’d planned to buy the house next door with/for his parents without even discussing it with me. He leaves me alone for days without much word. Leaves the house without telling me where he’s going for hours, days. He puts everything before me and what I might need or want and continues to tell me I’m a liar and a cheater.
After being completely ignored on my birthday... not even a “happy birthday,” I felt suicidal. I’d become addled, startled by any noise, I trembled constantly, I had so much neck and back pain that I was convinced I had MS or cancer or maybe brain injury (I was in a horrible accident in 2019). I couldn’t think or make a decision, I could barely make sentences and I had lost all confidence and it was all effecting my work and well being. I don’t talk to any of my friends and never call my family. I am ashamed and exhausted and terribly sad that I cannot make an impactful change. 2 days after my birthday I googled how to best kill myself with the most absolute calmness and intent for over 5 hours. I went outside feeling alone and sat on the porch and cried thinking about how awful my suicide would make my parents and friends feel but I just needed the pain to stop. A hummingbird flew up to me and buzzed around me for almost 10 mins very closely and I felt it was a sign from my angels or God or something. So I went inside and wrote my husband and parents a letter saying I needed help. That I was feeling so sad and overwhelmed that I was contemplating suicide and though I didn’t necessarily want to do it, I saw no good way out of the chaos and pain. He had already told me we were done and that he wanted me to leave. He’d said he wanted a divorce a week earlier.
My parents came to get me. They drove 10 hours over night. My hubs became enraged claiming that my father was coming to kill him and that if they showed up at the house “it wouldn’t go well for them” He was doing this in front of his son. I hid in our room for days before and after I asked for help because I didn’t want his son to see me. I was so ashamed of being the way we were in front of him. I didn’t want him to see such ugliness and my weakness. He called his parents on speaker phone and announced that I was suicidal and that my father was coming to get him. They called me after and asked if I was ok and if they should come over. I said yes. I could use their help to tame him and assured them that I would never let anyone hurt each other. That night he said he was having a panic attack and asked me to call 911. 12 emergency responders piled around him and found nothing wrong with him.
An hour before my parents arrived, Hubs acquiesced at the last min and left the house so that my parents could help me load up the car with what I could of my clothes and art supplies and my dog and we left. I’ve been gone for 38 days. I’ve texted and emailed with him nearly every day. Some days he’s sorry and admits that he’s been a fool and angry and will get help. Some days he says he’s going to kill himself. Some days he’s angry and says I’m selfish and I’ve abandoned him and the kids when they need it most.
I feel better. I feel safe. The pain is mostly gone from my body and I no longer tremble. I’ve had dr visits and tests and nothing was found other than severe stress.
He’s been to the doctor since I’ve been gone. He says he has irreversible damage to his C4-8 and osteoarthritis that causes severe pain and that he’s got central apnea. I think he is possibly mentally ill.
The part where I’m confused is... I MISS HIM. I feel like I have abandoned him when he needs me the most. If he is truly in pain and hasn’t slept in years and has PTSD, shouldn’t I stand by him and help him get better?
I’ve tried to offer weekends to get together to ease back into it or to “date” to see if we can work back towards being together. He’s since filed for divorce and said that I’ve abandoned him. He only wanted me to leave for a week, “like a vacation” and that if I am to be his wife then I should be with him. No in between.
I can’t make myself go back there. It was too hard to leave and it nearly killed me. Is there anything I can do? I do love him. I did withdraw from him. I did stop talking or at times, yell and scream and fight back. I did spend time focusing on work too much or talk to friends about how I was feeling more than him. How am I supposed to love without fear when he’s scary and mean?
They say you get what you put in to a relationship. If I came into the relationship “half in” and established mistrust in the beginning and then withdrew when he became angry, did I cause a lot of the problem? I’ve apologized and tried to show accountability for any mistakes I made, but I think I’ll be waiting for him to be responsible for what he’s said and done until I die.
I am better but I still feel stuck and hesitant to end everything and walk away for good.
Is it all me? Am I Tyler Durden?

This is the story of the day I wet-bandited my own house. Ok this was when I was 15 years ago when I was 7 but hey everyone posts stuff from way back.
I had just got home from school and was keen for some play time. I went upstairs to my room and grabbed my matchbox cars. I had just got some cool off-road ones and decided to play with them in the bathroom sink. It was a large basin in my parents freshly remodelled bathroom. I started to fill it, realised it was taking a while and being to Einstein that I was, I went to my room.
I sat down and started playing ratchet and clank on my PS2. I completely forgot about the sink at this point. My dad was a contractor then and worked from home. He was downstairs in him office. After I while my game is interrupted by my dad. He screamed “TazzieDevil693!!!!!!!!!!!!” At the top of his lungs. I ran downstairs and saw water dripping from the living room ceiling. A nice little cascade was coming from a downlight fixture. My dad looked at the dripping water with a puzzled inquisitive look, he then looked at me with a look of white hot rage. He did not yell. He always yells when he is mad. Not today, he spoke as calmly as if he was asked me to feed the dog or take out the garbage. He said “go and play in your cubby house, go outside, get out of my site”.
At this point I burst into tears realising how monumental my fuckup was. It’s worth pointing out while this was going on the water was still running. My dad realised this and then sprinted upstairs with me following him. In my parents bedroom there was a nice wet spot on the carpet with water dribbling out from under the bathroom door. He opened the door, water gushed all over the carpet. The water was about 6 inches deep in places. He turned off the sink and drained it. The only thing he could think to do was to get towels. I begged for him not to be mad and said “I’ll help you clean it up before mum gets home” this was obviously an incredible stupid thing to say considering my mum was going to be home in an hour and I’d just demolished 3 rooms.
That line seemed to remind my dad he is married. He got on his phone and this is what he said, “Carole get home quickly, Tazziedevil693 has flooded the whole house!!!”. The mum is a dentist and she was filling some kids tooth while getting this information. My dad got more towels and went downstairs with them. It turns out the ceiling is full of electrical wiring, who would of guessed. So my stupid arse caused the circuit breaker to trip. At this point half the living room ceiling collapsed from the weight of the water in the ceiling cavity. Covering the television in wet plaster and water. My dad actually did a pretty decent good at the clean up, considering all he had was towels and a mop. I tried to help and ended up pissed him off more by getting in the way and smearing plaster residue around the floor.
When my mom came come she too was irate. It turns out the water had leaked all through the cabinet below the sink. So the bottom two drawers were filled with makeup floating in a pool or multicoloured water. Turns out I wrecked 100s of dollars worth of makeup too. After the water had been mopped up and the pieces of the ceiling picked up. My parents had a VERY long talk with me. The costs weren’t horrible both my grandfathers were builders before retirement so they helped fix the ceiling for free. The main damage costs were my mum’s makeup and the TV I wrecked. Don’t get my wrong it wasn’t cheap and my parents were fucking furious for months afterwards. The carpet dried and looks fine now amazingly. There was a weird stain on the new ceiling from water that seemed to keep seeping from somewhere for a few months afterwards. Eventually the silica gel bags and a coat of paint fixed that.
My punishment was. Extra chores with no allowance for 3 month. No video games for a month. Being forced to do spelling practice on weekends. My parents eventually got over it. My grandparents still tease me about it at family gatherings and can see the funny side. My parents still don’t find it particularly funny and they get annoyed when I tell people.
I was a shit of a kid. I’m honestly probably the main reason I don’t like kids.
A month after this I cut my own hair
That’s a story for another day
TL;DR By flooding my parents house.


MARIAH CAREY LOVES CHRISTMAS. She loves it with a fanatic’s strict adherence to the laws of Christmas joy. She loves it like no one has ever loved Christmas before. (Did you have an actual reindeer at your holiday festivities last year? Did you hang out with Santa? Didn’t think so.) Christmas is also a cornerstone of the Carey complex. Frank Sinatra might have made the holiday classically jolly, Sufjan Stevens might have made it indie whiny, and Ariana Grande might have made it horny, but no artist has come to define our commercially driven holiday fantasies more than Carey has with “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” Since the song dropped on her 1994 holiday album, it’s made an estimated $60 million-plus in royalties. It’s stayed relevant, thanks to fans, of course; a cover on the 2003 Love Actually soundtrack; an album reissue; an annual “All I Want for Christmas Is You” holiday-concert series that sold out a show at Madison Square Garden last year; an animated film; an Amazon Music mini-doc about the undying meaning of the song; and streams on streams on streams. Last year, it finally hit No. 1 on “The Hot 100” chart, after a record-breaking (for its slowness) 25-year journey. Who cares how long it took? It’s her 19th No. 1 hit-putting her above Elvis and one away from tying the Beatles. Does it matter if you like the song? (Full disclosure: I don’t.) No! It is the omnipresent anthem of holiday happiness. And so this year, this exceptionally s**t year of 2020, Carey, who always wants everyone to have a good Christmas, really thinks everyone should have a good Christmas, and she’s got 15 executives assembled in a Zoom war room at 10 p.m. to make damn sure everyone does. They’ve been going for two hours now, plotting ways to bring the merry and bright, no matter what it takes.
“I will sing with a puppet if it’s incredible,” I hear her say with deadly seriousness, that raspy, built-for-a-torchy-ballad voice floating in from one of many nearby rooms in the house she’s renting for the summer. She goes on to suggest possible puppets, determined to sing only with the best one or none at all.
Carey tippy-toes across the marble floors, carrying the Zoom meeting with her as she hovers in the entryway behind me. She’s in her comfies-black leggings, a black off-the-shoulder peasant blouse, and full makeup-but even dressed down, she’s walking like she’s in six-inch strappy Louboutins (a habit she references in the song “Crybaby”). She mutes her iPad mic to greet me quickly. “Hi! A.D.!” (Everyone in her immediate orbit is reduced to first and last initial. Stories sound like mathematical equations in which M.C. and M.R. meet J.D.) “I’m so sorry this is running late!” She’ll be with me soon, she says. She just has to find a diplomatic way to let these men know something they are suggesting is ugly! She goes back to the call. “It just isn’t giving me Christmas warmth,” she says, delivering her criticism as delicately as one of her famous vocal trills.
Carey is running 30-well, 45-okay, we’re going to be real with you: We don’t know how many-minutes late. This is what we expect of her, no? The Diva who bathes in milk and will only be photographed from the right side. We think of these indulgences as readily as her vertiginous notes, or those athletic vocal runs, or her belting “Juust. Liiike. Hoone-aaay,” while she holds her finger to her ear to keep pitch. So it’s hard to be mad at Carey for fully embodying all the various Mariahisms that define her.
Anything less would feel like short shrift, to be honest. Plus she’s a generous diva. She’s dispatched her five-person team, her covid-quarantine pod, to tend to me while I wait. They’d been together since March, without any outsiders, until I was permitted to come tonight (with mask on face and fresh negative covid-test results in hand). The excitement of a newcomer has everyone bustling around like a live-action reenactment of the “Be Our Guest” scene in Beauty and the Beast. “Allison, can I get you wine?” asks her longtime tour manager Michael, as he shows me to a couch and lingers to tell me, in his languid, Idris Elba-British accent, about the first time he met Mariah, decades ago, as she was glamorously coming off a Concorde. “Allison, it would be more comfortable if you sit in here-the lighting is better,” says Ellen, her longtime house manager. “Allison,” Kristofer, her Ken-doll-handsome makeup artist, calls out to me as I’m walking from one great couch to an upgraded one, “I’m making fresh shortbread. Would you like it with jam or powdered sugar?” Her ex-backup dancer and current boo, Bryan Tanaka, smiles at me, doing his part by just being charming. Ellen fluffs a pillow, pours a glass of wine and a glass of room-temperature water, and puts them down in front of the seat Carey will eventually occupy. I am left to sit in a luxurious beige-toned room that smells lightly of vanilla and gardenias- exactly like my rich childhood friend’s suburban home.
The house is still daytime bustling even though it’s now edging on 11:30 p.m., which, according to Mariah Carey Standard Time, is the middle of the day, not the end. Carey is a self-proclaimed vampyyyyra. She loves a sunset, loves a sunrise, and would prefer to exist exclusively in those shadowy hours in between. (She has a sun allergy, she insists.) Her time zone has other quirks: True Love only occurs in summer, underneath the stars. Winter is always joyous. Any day has the potential to be Christmas. And she is eternally 12 years old, as she has been saying since at least 2008, which explains the recurring themes of butterflies, Christmases, dol-phins-epic, song-worthy romantic fantasies. It’s in direct opposition to the other version of extreme femininity she likes to play with, that of the diva in heels on the stair-stepper. Neither persona fully explains how effortlessly she can command a platoon of professionals to execute her vision until you consider that this dualism may be her secret to career control. One cannot be dismissed if one demands what one needs operatically. One cannot be told what is or is not age-appropriate if one doesn’t acknowledge age.
Anyway, the whole 12 thing-it’s sort of a joke and it’s sort of not. Carey turned 50 in March, and Moroccan and Monroe-a.k.a. Roc and Roe, a.k.a. Dem-Kids-her 9-year-old twins with ex-husband Nick Cannon, presented her with a cake with an enormous 12 candle, complicit in her continued crusade against getting older. One milestone is colliding with another. This year marks both half a century of existence and her 30th year in this business-30 years since her first album, Mariah Carey, came out. In those three decades, she’s produced 15 studio albums, been nominated for 34 Grammys (and only won five-don’t get her started), and done everything a star can do (an HSN jewelry line, a Champagne brand, world tours, a reality show, a Vegas residency, an American Idol judging stint). This year, she’s been taking something of a victory lap with a celebration she’s calling MC30, opening the vaults on neverbefore-seen video footage and an album of unreleased songs and demos called The Rarities, and she’s finally put all that legendary shade to paper with a memoir, The Meaning of Mariah Carey. She’s still ignoring her age, but she’s at least letting herself acknowledge the passing of time.
She’s been teasing this memoir for more than a year, mentioning it at a “Genius Q&A” during the press tour for her last album, Caution, but thinking about it for ten. It’s 300-plus meaning-packed pages, and, yes, what she didn’t include has meaning too. Eminem, who was reportedly “stressed” over what Carey might say about their rumored 2001 fling, doesn’t have to worry. “There’s some songs that I can sing in response to that, but I will not do it,” she’ll say when I ask. And then, with a roll of her head: “If somebody or something didn’t pertain to the actual meaning of Mariah Carey, as is the title, then they aren’t in the book.”
What’s in the book is “for the fans” (of course) but mostly for herself, or at least a version of herself. It’s her turn now to “emancipate that scared little girl,” she says. It’s why she spent two years telling stories to her co-writer, Michaela angela Davis, turning the famed Moroccan Room in her Tribeca penthouse into an emotional vomitorium, in hopes that finally, after a career of people misinterpreting her, she can make it all clear. In a way, though, the story she tells in the memoir is the story she’s been telling herself, her fans, her critics-everyone-over and over again for years. And after 30 years of telling these stories, in different ways, you have to wonder why she still feels so misunderstood.
HIT IT, TANAKA!” yells Roe, getting into position as Ellen and Kristofer pull open the French doors leading to the terrace overlooking the pool. Carey strolls out to where Roc and Roe are waiting to surprise her. The conference Zoom is over, but there’s one more thing to attend to before we can sit down.
Carey’s latest single, “Save the Day,” dropped just a few minutes ago, at midnight, and the twins want to celebrate. The opening violins of the song swell over the outdoor stereo system, and they launch into choreography they’ve spent all day perfecting. The song is a long-delayed collaboration with Ms. Lauryn Hill they conceived of in 2011. They decided to release it now, since its message about the importance of coming together to fix the world felt relevant with national Black Lives Matter protests and the lead-up to the election. “It’s very auspicious,” she says, musing that it would have been the perfect song to play during the Democratic National Convention.
Roe executes a string of cartwheels while Carey looks on, hands raised to her face in beatific surprise, and Tanaka captures the moment on two iPhone cameras on tripods with lighting rigged. Rocky hits every dance currently popular on TikTok.
Rocky loves TikTok, but Carey thinks he’s too young to be on it. Recently, she had to put him on a “time-out” after he made a video asking his mom to say hi to “his fan.” Carey can be heard off-camera saying, “I’m on a business call,” and Rocky turns back to the camera and says, “My mom is not ready to be shot on TikTok,” sticks his tongue out, and blows a raspberry in disappointment.
“Okay, I was really on a business call,” Carey says, mildly annoyed at the whole situation. People assumed she just declined because she wasn’t wearing makeup. Plus she wasn’t the one who set up the account for him. “Co-parenting,” she says, then sings, “‘Yeah, it ain’t easy, baby. It ain’t easy.’ But you know what? It’s important. We keep it good for them,” she says of Cannon, whom she divorced in 2014. She won’t comment on his recent career drama (he was fired from his longtime gig hosting Wild ‘N Out for making anti-Semitic remarks on his podcast, Cannon’s Class) but speaks fondly of him in her memoir in the chapter called “Dem Babies.”
The performance ends. Carey runs to them, arms wide open, tears in her eyes, cooing over how lovely everything is-the dance, the sunflowers, the sign. She brings them in for a hug and photo op, but before the shutter can snap, Roe moves away too fast, ensnaring Carey’s large diamond butterfly ring in her hair. “Roe, wait, I’m tangled,” she screams, while Rocky emits a loud belch and giggles.
Carey says good night to the twins. It’s an atmospherically nice night, and she decides she wants to go outside to talk. “It’s better, right?” she says as we sit down at a long wooden table next to the violin-shaped pool (a Stradivarius, with a six-foot koi pond as the bow). Her people are again bustling, setting up the table for us, slipping out of the shadows, putting down drinks and candles, moving the whole setup outside.
“Ellen, will you make us some ‘horse devoirs,’” Carey asks, intentionally mispronouncing the word. “That’s what we call ’em.” “Are you cold, Mariah?” asks Kristofer, who exits to grab her a little throw. “Are you guys warm enough?” asks Ellen, who enters to put down snacks. More candles are placed around us. “Oh, darling. Don’t put that down there for me, because that is hideous,” exclaims Carey. “That is underlighting!” The candle is whisked away. Carey asks Ellen if she wouldn’t mind taking Chacha, her emotional-support dog, to her bedroom, so that she’s there waiting when Mariah finally slips off to sleep sometime after the sun comes up.
Finally, wine poured, throw draped, candles arranged to ensure we both look cinematically beautiful, horse devoirs on the way, she settles back and gazes out over the property, watching the fiber-optic pool lights dance through the rainbow and back again. She’s a little tired, she apologizes, and already a little emotional.
“Can you believe I’m back here?” she says, sighing. “Here” is an upstate rich-person’s enclave not far from where Martha Stewart is thirst-trapping with her chickens. Carey hasn’t spent time in this town since what she refers to as “the Sing Sing days”-when, in the mid-1990s, she shared an over $20 million compound with her toxic first husband, the former Sony Music CEO Tommy Mottola. Mottola discovered and signed Carey when she was 19. They married in 1993, when she was 23 and he was 43. Carey has repeatedly described the marriage as controlling. She felt like “a prisoner.”
Mottola and Carey split in 1996, but she still gets that clenched feeling in her gut whenever she talks about him. With a wave of her hand: “I say it all in the book. I’d rather people read it that way.” She takes a long sip from a big goblet of red wine. “And by the way, I forgot a lot of that stuff when I was writing the book. And then recently, people that were friends of his from childhood were like, ‘I hope she told the real story.’”
It’s not a new story in its particulars-it’s been alluded to in tabloids and interviews for decades by both Carey and Mottola. Even its emotional contours were out there already, in her own words, mostly in song lyrics. She’s made a habit of putting her stories-her past lovers, secret enemies, petty grievances, and big traumas-in her songs since she started writing them at 13. (And she does, may she remind us, write her own songs. That’s another thing she’s spent a lifetime reminding everyone-see the two-minute supercut of her saying “As a songwriter”-though she was only just inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame this year, a decade after she became eligible.)
“Honestly, if you look at the words to ‘I Wish You Well,’ it tells you a lot of things about different people in my life. It starts with ‘This goes out to you and you and you/Know who you are,’” she breaks into a half-sing. “And there’s a lot of different people referenced in that from my point of view as a songwriter.”
“And then, background vocals,” she says, indicating when the singers would have kicked in with the phrase “Can’t believe I still need to protect myself from you.” “And then back to the main verse: ‘But you can’t manipulate me like before.’” She’s speaking, but rhythmically; her fingers are waggling up and down near her ear like they do when she sings. She pauses. “It’s like I’ve been telling this story if someone cared to look deep enough. I just feel like there’s no way anybody could have known the complexities and the layered situation that is my life.”
Though her fans, her Lambily, as they call themselves (a combination of family and Lamb, as Carey sometimes refers to her loved ones), have usually paid close enough attention to know the significance of the songs that mean the most to Mariah. Even if she may have never come out and confirmed which lyric is about which incident or relationship, they have their theories. While my friend who is a Lamb Supreme has always suspected it, I, a solid Mariah fan who can sing at least ten of her songs without missing a word, was surprised to learn from the book that “My All” was not just about the general thrall of a new love so exciting you’d do anything to bone but about Carey and her brief fling with Derek Jeter.
The knowledge that this stuff is “already out there” made it easier for Carey to write the memoir. It removed the burden of dropping bombshells (though there are some) and instead lets her just confirm, contextualize, and detail things from her POV-like how she and Jeter met at a dinner party and started text-flirting, secretly, while she was at the end of her marriage to Mottola. Knowing that fans already suspected the song “The Roof” was about her first meeting with him made it easier for her to reveal what she wore the night they had a clandestine kiss on the roof (get it?) of his apartment building. There was Moët. She wore a buttery leather Chanel skirt. She remembers her boots and the rain and her hair curling in stunning detail.
“Of course I do! I can never forget that moment,” she says. “I mean, it’s not like it was some intensely deep, intellectually stimulating-again, it was a great moment, and it happened in a divine way because it helped me get past living there, in Sing Sing, under those rules and regulations.” When she belts, “I’d risk my life to feeeeyall / Your body next to mine,” in “My All,” it’s because she really was risking her life to have a night with Jeter in Puerto Rico, she says.
Her anxiety around Mottola sits just under the surface. She writes candidly about the security cameras she says were always watching her and the security team she felt was reporting her every move. “He was like this oppressive humidity,” she says. She could never escape. She could never talk about it, even if she was, in her own way, always talking about it. When she first discussed Mottola during a Zoom call we had the week before, she started to cry: “It ignites the triangle in my stomach.”
In his own memoir, Hitmaker: The Man and His Music, from 2013, Mottola denied being restrictive or controlling but deemed their involvement “wrong and inappropriate,” by way of apology, and takes credit for his part in her early success. Carey suspects he tried to sabotage her career after they divorced. More than suspects, she says, referencing a 2017 interview on Desus & Mero in which Murder Inc. co-founder Irv Gotti confirmed Mottola boosted a J.Lo and Ja Rule duet to mess with Carey. “It’s out there,” she says. She also knows he might be angered by her perspective, though she hopes he’s not. “I could have gone harder,” she says, suggesting she could have painted him as a monster. “And I didn’t. I give him credit where credit is due.”
So picking this same upstate enclave for her self-quarantine palace does seem inconceivable, but the kids needed space. “Not that the apartment wasn’t spacious,” she explains. (We know; we all saw it on Cribs in 2002.) Providing this for her children is just one way she ensures that they have a better life than she did. “They’re not running around with matted locks,” she says when asked how her own childhood has shaped how she parents. “They know that I’m here for them. They know that if they want to talk with their father, he’s a phone call away,” she goes on. “They have stability. That’s what I didn’t have. They will never have a holiday that’s not happy unless something I can’t do anything about happens. They understand that they are Black. They have a whole lot of self-esteem and self-worth that I never had. And I probably still don’t now. I know that I still don’t.”
She sighs deeply. She’s been up all day-like actual day. So tonight, with the wine and the eerily quiet country night, her 1 a.m. feels like everyone else’s: a time when the existential takes hold and won’t let go.
“But maybe one day I’ll feel equal to the rest of the human race. I didn’t even think I was worthy of happiness and success. I thought I wasn’t allowed to be that person that would have that.” She gestures again to the pool, the property, the basketball courts, the baseball diamond (“not a big one”). “Like, sitting here, looking at this? And after describing the shack?”
The shack is what she calls her childhood home on Long Island, a run-down house at the end of a nice block that she’s still embarrassed by. It’s easy to assume that her dogged adherence to the age of 12 stems from its being a simpler time, that there is something happy to relive there, but that’s not quite right. “I always say, ‘I’m only 12, yay!’ But when you see how many times I talk about ‘I was 12, and this happened,’ it’s clear I went through a lot of stuff as a kid.”
Carey grew up, as she tells it, poor, mixed race, in an all-white neighborhood that made her feel her mixed race-ness, where she was not white enough “but not Black enough to scare people into not saying stuff around me.” Her father, Alfred Roy, was a Black engineer from Harlem, and her mother, Patricia, an Irish American opera singer from Illinois who was disowned by her family for having his children, separated before she was 3. She lived with her mother and only saw her father on the weekends she’d go to visit him and eat his special linguine e vongole. One of the good memories. She never felt like her home situation was stable. She was always aware of tension between her parents and between her parents and her siblings. School wasn’t much better. In the book, she catalogues the racial slights she suffered at the hands of white children.
She writes about her childhood as the thing she had to overcome to become Mariah Carey. And because our traumas are like pothos plants, easily propagated from the clippings of the original, her parents’ trauma (her father’s of existing as a Black man in America; her mother’s of familial rejection for marrying a Black man and a career that didn’t come to fruition) became hers to overcome as well. As did the difficult upbringings of her older brother, Morgan, and her older sister, Alison, whom she now refers to as her “ex-brother” and “ex-sister.” Carey writes about witnessing Morgan’s volatility and fights with her mother. She discusses how she longed to have a real big-sisterly relationship with Alison but instead ended up in dangerous situations, sometimes with men, whenever she got too close. (Her nickname for me, A.D.-she asked to call me that, she told me, because she’s so estranged from her sister she doesn’t like to say Allison.)
“Alison and Morgan both believed I had it easier than they did,” she writes. She hasn’t spoken to Alison since 1994, though she maintains a relationship with the son Alison had at 15. Mostly, Carey constantly worries that they’ll go to the tabloids again, as she says they have done in the past. She doesn’t want them to see her as an “ATM machine with a wig,” she says. (Recently, Alison has made headlines for accusing their mother in a court filing of forcing her into sexual acts and satanic rituals as a child.)
“Here’s the thing: They have been ruthlessly just heartless in terms of dealing with me as a human being for most of my life. I never would have spoken about my family at all had they not done it first.” Even still, you have to wonder how Alison will feel if she picks up the memoir of her estranged superstar sibling and reads how her sister learned a hard lesson about what self-worth should be during the baby shower for her teen pregnancy.
I ask Carey if there is any chance of reconciliation with her ex-siblings in the future. “I have forgiveness in my heart,” she says, “and so I forgive them, but I am not trying to invite anybody to come hang out over here. I think they’re very broken, and I feel sad for them.”
Though she writes as candidly about her mother as she does about her siblings-their confrontations and competitions-she finds it harder to separate herself from the woman who discovered she could sing. (When Carey was barely 3, she sang along with her mother while she was rehearsing a song from Verdi’s Rigoletto, so the legend starts.) Carey still takes care of her, financially, “and always will.” She is one of the book’s dedicatees. “I tried to make her feel like I really do think she did the best she could,” she says and picks up her glass to cheers me.
“I cried writing a lot of parts of this book. Maybe it’s because I have such vivid recollections. You know what? I’m sure I’m going to have to deal with a lot of people being upset with me. I hope not.”
OF ALL THE KNOTS she’s eternally trying to unravel, there is one that, she feels, has refused to come loose easily: “I really have been like, ‘I’m mixed. I’m mixed. I’m really, really mixed,’” Carey sings at me, turning her lifelong repetition into a little ditty. “Like, whatever. Not to make a song out of it. That’s what we do.” This, according to Carey, is her most famous refrain, the one where she explains that she is biracial over and over again.
She already, actually, did make a song of it: “Outside,” from 1997’s Butterfly. She quotes it often in life and in the book (and will sing it on the Audible recording). And now she sings the lyrics to me: “Standing alone/Eager to just believe it’s good enough to be what/You really are/But in your heart/Uncertainty forever lies/And you’ll always be/Somewhere on the/Outside.”
When she cites feelings of alienation or shame, it’s often at the hands of white people. She writes about an incident where she was invited over to a friend’s house in the Hamptons, only to arrive and be called the N-word. It’s the Black women in her life who held her up when nobody else did. Her Nana Reese (her great-aunt on her father’s side) provided some stability. Her “aunties” were the ones who tried to help her learn how to do her hair. Da Brat once helped her escape Sing Sing to go get fries from Burger King. She dedicated a whole chapter to her Cousin LaVinia (“Vinny”), who was one of her closest friends. LaVinia recently died, but it’s her estimation of Carey’s struggles that most shaped her understanding of her mixed-race identity. “It’s like Vinny always said: ‘You kids had all the burdens of being Black but none of the benefits.’”
Before Davis and Carey turned in a draft of The Meaning of Mariah, Davis sent an email to her editor. “I was like, I have to put this on record that all the conversation around race and particularly the view of white people is all Mariah,” Davis says over the phone. They had a nickname for her when she got in this mode: “Militant Riah.” “There were a couple of times that she was like, ‘You’re being too careful. They hated me. I would never be good enough for some white people.’”
And yet, when she first debuted as an artist, a number of reviews misidentified her heritage. In 1990, a Los Angeles Times writer called her a “white singer who has a black vocal style.” Nelson George, a Black critic writing for Playboy, called her “a white girl who can sing,” while another accused her of being marketed as a “white Whitney Houston.” Carey says she can’t speak to the intentionality behind her marketing at the time-“I was 19, what did I know?” In her book, she references how her label sometimes “scrubbed” her music of its “urban inflections.” She recalls recording the “Fantasy” remix with ODB in 1995 and playing it for Mot-tola. “The fk is that?” he said. “I can do that. Get the fk outta here with that.”
Carey would eventually cease to be considered solely pop, becoming more of a crossover pop-hip-hop-R&B fixture. Even still, she’s spent a significant portion of her post-Mottola era defending her biracial identity. After Carey released the hip-hopheavy album Butterfly, comedian Sandra Bernhard made a series of racist jokes during her stand-up special about the way Carey was “acting [N-word-ish] … with Puff Daddy,” suggesting that the white-perceived Carey was all of a sudden acting “Black.” At the time, Carey commented, “If I was two shades darker, there’d have been people protesting for me.” (She ended up writing the NAACP, and the special was taken off the air.) The commentary didn’t stop in the 2000s. Even as recently as 2008, her race was being written about weirdly, e.g., when Jody Rosen sniped about her “racial ambiguity [being] mildly interesting” while trying to determine if she was a captivating pop star or just a good singer. (He decided on the latter.) But “Vision of Love,” she reminds me, went to No. 1 on the R&B charts first. And she performed it live for the first time on The Arsenio Hall Show. “Someone knew they were introducing me as a Black girl.”
In the 1990s, being a “white artist” or a “Black artist” often created deeply divergent music careers. White meant pop, Black meant hiphop or R&B, and within those silos, there were separate charts, audiences, magazine covers, award recognition, and dress codes, and to seek one audience meant potentially alienating the other. As Carey was building her career, there was very little room for crossover, and there wasn’t a lot of understanding afforded to those who didn’t really fit in the boxes. If you were acceptable to white audiences as a pop star, as Houston was, you ran the risk of alienating Black audiences and vice versa. It’s what Lena Horne called being the “kind of Black that white people could accept”: Carey, because of her light skin, and Houston, because of the way she spoke (softly, like a newscaster). The 2017 Whitney Houston documentary, Whitney: Can I Be Me, revisits the moment in 1989 when Houston performed at the Soul Train Awards and the crowd booed and called her “Whitey.” It’s only recently that we’ve begun to more fully acknowledge how damaging and destabilizing the label of “not Black enough” can be.
Davis and Carey met in 2005 at an early-listening event for The Emancipation of Mimi, one of Carey’s comeback albums. Four years earlier, Carey had suffered her first major flop with the movie Glitter. She’d been dropped by EMI a year after it signed her to one of those historic colossally big deals (reportedly, $100 million for five albums). She had a public breakdown and was hospitalized for exhaustion after she made an erratic appearance on TRL. (In the memoir, she reminds us that, despite all that, the song “Loverboy” from Glitter ended up being the best-selling single of 2001. “I’m real,” she mic-drops.)
The Emancipation of Mimi was a reassertion of Carey as an artist, her opportunity to set the tone for the next phase of her career, one she wanted to be centered around her Blackness, and she wanted to do that with a cover story for Essence. “It was very strategic that she started with Black women,” Davis says. At the time, Davis was an editor at the magazine. “Black women have always grounded her in truth,” she says.
Essence had never had Carey on the cover before. Previous editors-in-chief had passed “because, they literally said, ‘Mariah Carey has never said she was Black,’” recounts Davis. The writer, Joan Morgan, brought in evidence: stacks of clippings and transcripts where Carey said “I’m Black” or “My father is Black.” In the end, Davis won. They ran an article in which Carey discussed, similarly to now, what people didn’t know about her struggles with her racial identity. At the end, the article declared her “a grown ass Black woman.” The cover line read: “America’s Most Misunderstood Black Woman.” That was 15 years ago.
From a musical perspective, at least, many of the issues Carey faced early in her career feel less intense now. Hip-hop culture is pop culture. And thanks to Mariah Carey’s 1997 album Butterfly, the once-novel idea of a pop-hip-hop crossover-what her friend and collaborator Jermaine Dupri calls hip-pop-is essentially just what a new song by any artist sounds like.
It’s worth considering whether she would have been as big of a pop star if she had originally been marketed as a Black artist. Would she have been able to collaborate with ODB and the long roster of hiphop artists and producers she favored, and to see those songs become megahits, if her proximity to whiteness hadn’t made it all seem “non-threatening” to white audiences?
“The truth is I will never say I had the same experience as a darker-skinned woman,” Carey starts in. She acknowledges the privilege in her being accepted by white audiences and a white-run music industry, but to her, it also means “having a white mother, and being forced to live in white neighborhoods, and feeling ashamed that there is nobody visibly Black there … and I’m being so real right now that I want to edit myself,” she pauses.
“Believe you me, I’m not thrilled to be this skin tone all the time.” Then she launches into the questions she has asked herself her whole life and maybe continues to ask: “How was I supposed to fit in? I was, like, the only one that’s this weird mutant, mutt-using an antiquated phrase that I’m not asking anyone else to ever use again, but I’m embracing it- mulatto girl. I’m not even embracing it. It’s a horrible way of defining somebody. It actually means ‘mule.’”
Whatever it did for her career, she says, it also “distanced me from the comfort of support and protection from some Black people. Which is an even deeper kind of a pain, pile of pain, if that makes sense. It’s been a lot.”
IF THERE’S ONE THING that makes I Carey nervous about the release of this book into the world, besides some content that is going to “surprise even her best friends,” it’s that people will misconstrue why she’s talking about a lot of this stuff now. She has wanted to write the memoir for a decade, she says. “Whether or not it suddenly became okay to deal with stuff, this book was coming out anyway.” She doesn’t want to seem like she’s capitalizing on the moment.
But the current moment does seem to keep giving new context for her experiences. For example, the conversation surrounding Ellen DeGeneres’s reportedly toxic workplace behavior led to a clip of an interview with Carey resurfacing on Twitter. It’s from 2008, when there were rumors Carey was pregnant. DeGeneres, apparently determined to get Carey to confirm the speculation, challenged her to drink Champagne. Carey was forced to announce her pregnancy. She miscarried soon after. “I was extremely uncomfortable with that moment is all I can say. And I really have had a hard time grappling with the aftermath,” she says. “I wasn’t ready to tell anyone because I had had a miscarriage. I don’t want to throw anyone that’s already being thrown under any proverbial bus, but I didn’t enjoy that moment.” Carey goes on to say that there is “an empathy that can be applied to those moments that I would have liked to have been implemented. But what am I supposed to do? It’s like, [sings] ‘What are you going to do?’”
Her fans have also helped her reexamine her past. In 2018, a Lamb-led campaign, #JusticeForGlitter, turned her former career low into a cult classic and earned the soundtrack a place on the charts for a little while. The movie did come out the week after 9/11; it never truly got a fair shake. With the help of her Lambs, and a Change.org petition demanding that streaming services finally offer it, the album reached No. 1 on iTunes. That same year, Carey was on the cover of People, revealing her battle with bipolar disorder for the first time. It seemed to explain what happened during Glitter, when she went on TRL, but she chose not to elaborate further in the book. “Because I don’t feel like there’s a mental-illness discussion to be had,” she says when I ask. “It is not to deny that. I am not denying that. I just don’t know that I believe in any one diagnosis for a situation or a human being.”
For her, the real story of Glitter, which she tells in great detail for the first time, was the story of her working too hard, of succumbing to the exhaustion of sleep deprivation, and of her family betraying her. (Her mother called the police on her when she was acting erratically, and her brother was the one to check her into a recovery facility, she writes.) That’s perhaps the biggest benefit of this memoir to her: “Now, if people have questions, I can be like, ‘Please refer to chapter x,’ rather than me having to stick up for myself, protect myself, defend myself. Because we can all be wounded, but are we going to sit around licking our wounds forever?”
IT’S NEARING 4 A.M., and she could I talk more, but she desperately needs to use “the loo.” She slips away while her team comes out, partly to keep me company and partly to signal it’s time for me to wrap it up.
The first time we talked, Carey mentioned that it was a bit lonely realizing that she was the only one of her peers who lived to write her own story. Whitney’s gone. Prince is gone. There’s some pressure that comes with that: What story are you willing to tell about yourself, and what are you willing to accept? Carey has finally shaped her story the way she sees it: one of herself as a perpetual underdog who has risen, fallen, and climbed back as dexterously as her famed melismas. It’s the narrative that has propulsed her to greatness; it’s also her mental loop.
Carey comes back from the bathroom and, it turns out, a costume change. She’s swapped her peasant blouse for a black satin kimono robe. It’s humid, her hair has fallen flat, and her laugh is mingling with the chirping cicadas that have emerged. Sunrise is closer than sunset, and it’s starting to feel loose, like the last hour at the club, right before the lights come up, as the DJ tries to find the perfect song to send you off.
Tanaka slips his hand into hers and murmurs that the pasta aglio e olio he has made her is ready. Her emotional-support dog is waiting in bed for her. Her two kids are upstairs, happy but maybe only pretending to be asleep.
Despite how legends want to be seen, this is probably how we most want to see them. As living proof that a life of ups and downs and hard work and too much work ends with you rich as f**k, sitting next to a violin-shaped pool with the family you’ve created to supplant the one you had to endure.
Michael is recounting a story of the time a group of Bloods came up to Mariah backstage at the Source Awards and he was worried. “Oh, I’m good at diffusing tense situations because of my childhood,” she says. Everyone was scared, but they just wanted to take pictures with her on their disposable camera, no big deal. Despite urging me to leave, he pulls up a chair, and they start swapping memories.
“Oh, remember,” Carey says, lurching into another tale, “Jay [as in Z] has that great story of when we were all there together at the club and Prince was taking so long to perform? Whatever, it’s a long story, but he didn’t go on until like 5 a.m. with Chaka Khan, who was having Hennessy and smoking and still singing like a trumpet, and it was amazing. It was amazing.”
Not everyone was there, but everyone agrees it was amazing.
“By the way, this should have been in the book,” she says.
Yes, everyone agrees, it should have been in the book. There was a lot that could have been in the book.
“There’s so much more dragging that could have been done,” she says. “I really didn’t say everything,” she adds with a smile, leaving us hoping, again, for another piece of the story.
Source: Hejira (UK mix)