Boy Crib Bedding Sets - Walmart.com - top100.realmoneybestgame.xyz

This is going to be a lengthy one, so if you fancy reading, grab a cuppa...or a vodka
This passage is partly for myself, hoping that writing it out will work as a form of therapy, God knows I've tried every other form, and partly to help those in a similar circumstance.
Background
My dad (a very smart gent, who had a real education and sense of life) became a JW in his mid-twenties (after his mother started studying) and went to MTS. During this time, he met my mother, a lady who was home-schooled and followed the traditional route for a JW woman- pioneer and work at either a care home, as a cleaner or in a little shop.
They moved to where my dad was posted- a little town that needed a new hall- so my dad set it up, and so began him being super duper famous in the eyes of all the congregation members. They got married and had me- 'the baby of the hall' (given everyone else was like 108) and then a few years later, my brother. For a long time, it was just us 4. Dad was a 'great elder' so we spent most of our time travelling to different halls for him to give talks... a few people referred to him as 'modern day Jesus'. We very quickly became 'that family'. You know, the ones who do *every* demonstration at assemblies and constantly seem perfect. As you can imagine, it was all pretty tiring to keep up when you are being asked, "What would you like to be when you're older?" and you know fine well you cant give an honest answer such as teacher or midwife, you *have* to say pioneer or bethel member.
Fast forward 7 years or so and my mum decides she wants more children and needs my dad to help out more. They had my second brother and dad stepped down as an elder to be more on hand. Mum then decided that, given the age gap, my second brother would be really lonely growing up and convinced my dad to have a fourth child- my third brother. A year went by and much to everyone's dismay- she was pregnant again! This would be with my little sister, who thankfully, really was the last child.
Now, my mum ( like a lot of Jws) comes from a family who all suffer from mental health problems. This unexpected child made her go bat shit crazy and seriously depressed and she basically lived in her bedroom whilst I (age 14) dropped out of school and raised my 3 youngest siblings. This made me grow up *super* fast and ashamedly, resent my mother for taking away my childhood. My dad turned to drinking to cope and he was removed as a servant.
In a matter of years we had gone from 'the perfect family' to one that was barely keeping our heads above water.
Skip ahead a few years and I had gotten baptised (after being pressured for years to do so), gone to night school to do my GCSE's and I myself was on anti depressants. I had started working 55 hours a week in a nursery for £2.50 an hour and my siblings went there with me for childcare. Of course, the wage I earnt went to my family as 'money is greed'. I barely had a social life and was desperate to find someone, get married and leave.
I should add though, that regardless of all of that, we were a very close family, especially me and the three little ones, and my dad was like my best friend.
Where it started to get really shit
On one of the rare occasions I could go out, I met who would later be, the biggest mistake of my life.
Someone who at the time, made me feel like the most special person in the world... someone who liked me, for me. To cut an incredibly long story short, he was the biggest manipulator I have ever met. He told me that in order for me to be free from my current situation, I needed to marry him, and before he would consider doing that, he needed to sleep with me first to see if I was good enough for commitment. I thought this was normal. I had never been taught about boys, my parents never let me text or really communicate with any, so here started my long line of getting abused by various men.
After him sleeping with me whenever he demanded it, (I was too dumb to see that I was actually just being raped) he told me I should go part-time and pioneer so that no one caught on to what we were doing. My congregation absolutely adored him, as did my family, so again, I thought that I had found someone great and this was it.
One night I had a call from him saying he had gone on holiday with my best friend and had accidentally kissed her. I was so head over heals for this fucker that I said it was ok, and we could stay together. This completely messed up my head though and I turned to anything that I thought would take away my problems... mainly all the things I had seen my mum doing- popping any kind of pill to sleep, self harm and drinking. I really didn't care about what was happening to me, and it seemed as if no one else did either.
Going forward a year (one that consisted of more lows than highs) and we had planned a wedding. Blah blah blah, I got a phone-call from him one day telling me that my best friend had decided she was 'ready to date him now' so things between us were over. I was beyond crushed. What now? He was my scape goat... he was what everyone wanted for me. I knew he was a piece of shit, and yet even he didn't want me.
Yay, judicial and disfellowshipping
To top all of that that off, 3 weeks later he calls me again to tell me that he drunkenly told his new girlfriend that we had been sleeping together and she had now told his elders. They in turn had then told mine and a judicial was about to be held, so I 'should probably tell my parents before someone else did'...then asked if I wanted to pray with him for everything to be ok. LOL, you read correctly. What a twat.
I went downstairs and told my parents. My mum turned it into a Spanish inquisition and my dad didn't say a word, just placed his head in his hands. I couldn't work out which was worse.
A few days rolled by and it was my judicial. There sat 6 elders and my ex, in a circle, with a space for me. They asked for every position, for the exact number of sexual encounters, if he had ejaculated in me and even asked if I had been on my period for any of it. FUCKING CREEPS is all I can say about that. I'm pretty sure they were just doing it for their wankbanks.
They listened to both of our versions, his worlds apart from mine, and then took us into separate rooms to see if we had anything else to add and then deliver us the end result.
My elders immediately decided for me to be disfellowshipped (which, fair one, I had broken the rules) but his elders took 3 hours to decide, and 2 of them believed what he had done didn't warrant a disfellowshipping. *rolls eyes*. Eventually though, we were both disfellowshipped.
Life after being disfellowshipped
(For some background information, I had just started a teaching course and was being diagnosed with what wold later be discovered as endometriosis stage 4 and a load of other illnesses that basically meant I was in pain 24/7)
If I wasn't at work I had to stay in my bedroom...which had a lock on it for when the Saturday ministry group or family members came round, just to reassure everyone that I wasn't going to run out of my room and try and fuck people, as clearly, that's what you do when you've been disfellowshipped for sexual immorality.
It had now been 6 months of sitting in the back of a kingdom hall, people shaking their heads at me when they walked by and I was getting pretty done with it. I had told my parents that Wednesdays were staff meeting night- but they were actually pub quiz night at the local Weatherspoons. I would go there every week, neck as many drinks as I could, then go home. I had started to realise that there is actually a really nice world outside of being a JW, not a terrifying one like its made out to be.
One Saturday I told my mum I was going for an ice-cream with my friend. She told me that if I do, i would return to packed bags and that would no longer be my home. I went anyway, and upon my arrival, she really had stuck to her word, and i was being kicked out.
I cant talk much about the events of that day, and i don't really think i'll ever be strong enough to talk about them to be honest. But just know, it was really, really hard and has truly fucked me up for the rest of my life. *cue emotional breakdown and panic attack having just thought about it*
Life in 'The Big Bad World'
So I was now officially in the world, all alone, living with a colleague.
I made some amazing friends, all of whom have stuck by me ever since, but also got myself into another atrocious relationship. Blah blah blah again, he was a gambler and also someone who again, just had sex with me whenever they wanted to... on one occasion i was screaming and crying so loudly that his own mother came in and pushed him off me. Great times.
I got a flat with my best friend, broke up with that utter piece of shit (which took forever as he fully played the suicide card etc) and made him set up a standing order to pay back the £13,000 he had stolen off me.
It had been about 2/3 years now since I was kicked out. I had no contact with anyone in my family, other than my Dad messaging me to see if I had been at the Ariana Grande gig when it was blown up. (No, im not a fan of hers, i think he just momentarily cared and wondered if i was dead or alive). After he was reassured that i was very much alive, they went back to crossing the street if they saw me etc.
Reinstatement
One day I got a call from my dad, my grandma was dying and they would 'allow me' to go and say my goodbyes. So i did, and i took my brother with me. They gave me a set time so that i wasn't around when they were. The car journey was about 2 hours long and my brother spent literally the entire time emotionally blackmailing me to come back. It worked.
I called my dad and told him I was going to start coming back to meetings, and ta-da, everyone started talking to me again. Only occasionally mind, i was still a bad influence. He came to pick me up and sat in the second school with me. My little sister ran straight out and turned to my dad to ask if she could hug me. He said yes, and for the first time in 3 years, i held my little girl again. I felt so disgustingly selfish, like how could i have ever left and why on earth did i do this to her.
That was my new focus, i was going to come back and then fade away, anything that meant having those kids back in my life.
My saving grace however being that i still lived in my flat, so other than a Thursday and Sunday, i lived quite a normal life, and no one speaking to me at meetings meant i could rock up and sit silently, nursing my hangover.
I was attending meetings routinely when i got a call from the hospital, saying that i needed an emergency operation and it would be one that would put me out of working, driving and even walking for the best part of 6 weeks. I told the elders and they said they could understand me not attending on the week of my operation, but anything longer than that would hinder my reinstatement. How nice and understanding.
Cutting my ridiculously long story short, my mother had a breakdown and they decided to reinstate me sooner than originally planned for fear of my mum killing herself about me not being back to do her jobs again.
Everything was good again family wise, but then came along all of the pressures. I had to study with two sisters, go on the ministry and attend all meetings. My health meant i really struggled to do a lot of these, but i was basically told to shut up and get on with it by the elders.
Things with my family were so lovely again, even though my mum would say things like, "I know Jehovah has forgiven you, and now hopefully, one day we can too." The emotional blackmail never stops.
MY 'WORLDLY' PARTNER... NOW HUSBAND
During this time my best friend had downloaded Tinder in a hope for me to find someone to go on a double date with her and her partner of the time. I really wasn't into that idea but would find myself flicking through it when adverts came up on TV... and so one day i swiped right to the love of my life.
After a while of talking, we met up and he really, really was everything I had been looking for. I'm not just saying that because he's on here too lol.
He took on all of my shit, loved me for who i am and has held me through every breakdown ive had since. As our relationship progressed, I gradually explained the whole JW story. How on earth do you explain that to someone? I used to just say things that gave some context to what was going on, but it was never enough. "Yeah, my family are... uhh... really religious. Like really religious," I'd say - he'd just laugh and say it was okay. He really had no idea!
As time went on I realised he's a complete nerd as he went and read everything there is to know about Witnesses. Literally everything he could find. I was still going to my Bible Study (one of the terms of my reinstatement) and would turn up at his house crying that the world was going to end. He'd have to give me a hug and explain that it's a load of crap and why. I was comforted, but didn't particularly listen to the reasons. I'd just get on with it.
We reached a point where we were ready to move in together. He was still totally secret to anyone who was a Witness, but we had plenty of friends outside so it didn't matter. I got really upset because I thought I'd never be able to move in with him, and for the briefest of moments thought it'd just be easier if he became a Witness too. He said he'd think of a plan, and a couple of days later he came back with one.
My flatmate was reaching a point where she could no longer afford to live in the flat we shared, and my partner had just got a big four bed house to rent. He said that I should tell my parents I was moving in to a house share with a guy and a girl, both of them middle-class working people and not students. I told my parents I'd be renting a room there, and my mum wasn't particularly pleased. Obviously she didn't think it was appropriate I live with worldly people, and was concerned I'd turn into a heroin slut and all that really accurate stuff. I also managed - somehow - convinced the Sisters I did my study with that this was the best idea ever. Nobody really had much of a choice anyway, and we moved in to what would become the first home I'd had since I left the original one.
In order to keep up the facade, my boyfriend and I had to set up two additional rooms in the house to belong to me and the other phantom housemate. We borrowed clothes off one of our good friends and filled the room with her stuff. 'My room' also had all my things stored in it, and then the master bedroom (where we actually slept) had all my partner's things in it. He thought it was crazy we had to go to such lengths, and couldn't believe one religion had such power over people, but we went with it nonetheless.
My parents visited the house, and really had no idea that anything was awry. My boyfriend played a fantastic flatmate that seemed completely disinterested in me and was focused entirely on work, whilst often being 'away' on business trips. My parents thought he was really nice though (mainly because they didn't think we were together).
So, for the best part of a year I played the simultaneous rolls of contrite and repenting JW and regular, normal me all that same time. PIMO, I guess, though I still believe in God - just not the version of him that is written down in JW literature. It turns out, as I'm sure many of you can relate, that this is extremely mentally taxing. It was the biggest burden to bare. Sitting through meetings when I thought most of it (apart from the practical advice and nicer readings) was a load of utter fucking codswallop. It was a nightmare going to studies, going to meetings and dying of boredom, or going to the shitting ministry. I refused to knock on any doors.
Eventually, like trying to run with an anvil swinging around my ankles, it became too much. I was perpetually exhausted. I had a condition that made me extremely fatigued and left me in an awful amount of pain. I worked every day, and every day I wasn't asleep or working I was plastering a fake smile on and sitting through another meeting. The mental burden was exhausting.
I decided to call it quits.
PIMO TO POMO
Much to my partner's surprise, I just told my family one day that I was no longer going to attend meetings. They took it in a similar fashion to how I imagine a regular family would if I walked into their home on a Sunday and took a steamy piss all over their freshly-cooked dinner. Much sadness ensued. The normal defensive measures were initiated.

Claims of rampant selfishness and clearly not wanting paradise.
"How could you do this to [insert most emotionally blackmailing option possible]?"
"How can you do this to Jehovah?"
Repeat Step 2.
Inform Elders.
Have other important people in your life repeat Step 2.
Soft Shun

Need I say more? Thankfully, my immediate family made the decision to hang around. They carried on talking to me, and I'm fairly certain that Disfellowship Round 1 was so hard on my Dad that he didn't want to do it again. My extended family, however, took it upon themselves to shun me without formally shunning me. The soft shun. They still do to this day.
So I was now relatively free. I couldn't be blatantly obvious with my relationship, but after removing all Witnesses from my social media, I could post the odd picture or two of us together. I think my Dad had seriously caught on to me being with my boyfriend, and he even came for a night out with us. We'd never properly told him, and he was content to accept that he just happened to be home when we went out so invited him along. We had a really good time.
MARRYING SAID WORLDLY MAN
We had a really good thing going. My family (with the exception of my mum) sort of accepted the status quo. This became slightly more difficult when my boyfriend proposed, despite the fact it was a perfectly natural point to make that step. How the hell would we tell my parents? Then we'd absolutely be living in sin. I'd have to move out, and it would be atrocious. We meant everything to each other, so to go from my home to living somewhere crap just to satisfy someone else's religion didn't sit well with us.
We told my family, and said we'd still be living together in the run up to getting married. We were due to get married about 9 months later, and everything was fine until my mum told an Elder's wife the situation. Then it all kicked off. They tried to call me to 'learn the facts' to work out what to do. I was petrified. They called me when I was at dinner, and I almost froze. I started to immediately go into a panic attack, and all the old horrible feelings returned. My husband urged me to end the conversation and said that he'd call back. I was really surprised he said that.
WORLDLY MAN VS ELDER
That night, he did call them back. I didn't realise how much reading he'd actually done about Witnesses. All our doctrine, history, supposedly supporting scriptures. The lot. He spoke to the elders for about 45 minutes, and I sat at the door browning my pants whilst in tears. He told them exactly what the effects of disfellowshipping people are, how it causes lasting mental trauma and severe abandonment issues. They didn't like hearing this. In fact, they didn't like having a 'worldly' person armed with logic and knowledge having anything to do with them. He knew about the two witness rule, so told them categorically that we weren't intimate in any way and that they had no biblical grounds to take any action and therefore, they should very politely, fuck the fuck off. Also, if they fancied a meeting with me, he'd come along for moral support as there was no scriptural reason he couldn't and we wouldn't want to go beyond what is written, would we?
They left me alone, funnily enough. I've not heard from them since. They even left my family alone when it came to anything relating to me. They really, really did not like speaking to my husband. Crazy. I treated him well for that.
HAPPY(ER) ENDING
So now I'm married. I have all the family I need. It's been a lot of work, we have a child on the way, and our relationship is rock solid. We live in the same city as my family, and we all get on great. My husband is like a police attack dog whenever anything JW related is brought up, which has led to some heated debates and has resulted in us not talking about religion, ever. For anyone who has read this far and has wondered if things ever turn out alright, they really can do. Just hang in there.
WHAT DO I THINK OF MY TIME AS A WITNESS NOW?
A. Load. Of. Shit. The only positives I can take are the good Christian qualities I was instilled with as a child. They teach you nothing about life, and woefully underprepare you for anything that is not relating to the organisation. You live your life constantly in fear of something that won't ever happen.
The evidence that is out there - if you take the two seconds it takes to look - that really exposes the gaping holes in the doctrine. When I first left, my husband would try and explain to me why different parts of the Watchtower's interpretation is plain wrong, but I didn't really listen. I didn't want to listen, or to think about how stupid I'd been. It was just something I grew up with, I was out now, and that was good enough. I didn't want it any more.
Gradually, as time has passed and I've spoken about the worst bits with my husband, I've been slightly more open to looking at different views on the religious front. Not that I was closed-minded, I just never studied in any detail what you're required to believe as a Witness. I still felt like I was going to be struck down. The 'apostasy' stuff is so ingrained in us that it's almost life long. You feel that pang of guilt or fear when you think something is saying anything bad about JWs or their beliefs. It turns out, they don't really have the truth.
It started with my husband letting my know about the child abuse investigations, which disgusted me. He showed me the scriptures about shunning and how they're misapplied, and we spoke about blood at length. Blood was one of the only things I kept up whilst DF'd, but I can quite clearly see now it's a terrible interpretation of the scripture. We spoke about religion and God and everything at length, and he sat and listened to what I believed.
He joined this site and read about other people's experiences online - he's boring like that. After three months of showing me the odd thread, I find myself sat here now typing all this out. It's unbelievably therapeutic. It's great to know though, that there are other people out there who understand what it's like, that I'm not alone.
So, there you go... it really can get better.
For those of you who got to the end, bloody well done!

He lasted 3 weeks....

WIBTA if I don't watch the baby in the mornings?

5+ Years of budgeting, finally crawling out of the hole

Long Post Ahead
TL;DR: budget even if you're poor. you'll be ready when things turn around. life will change. be ready when it does whether its good or bad. its ok to spend wisely on things that are important to you. learning about personal finance before you're cashed up will help you so much. . . .
Hello poverty finance from Australia. Its taken years to go from unstable poor to stablish - low income household. I have lived under the poverty line and just above it for a very long time. I probably just learn too slowly when it comes to finances. But as of 2021, I can say that if the new job holds, I'll finally be heading out of it. Please be nice. I know I've made mistakes. Just trying to own them and do the best I can.
I wanted to share my timeline with you all. For me, the journey hasn't been linear. But every damn month I would look at my spreadsheet and work out what I could do. As a type this on my dying budget smartphone with a cracked screen on my 3G prepaid phone plan, I hope someone out there finds it useful.
I know it can feel pointless budgeting peanuts. But in my experience it allowed me to allocate the money to the things that were important to me. Which for me, is providing for my kids. I scrimped and save and make sure they get quality shoes, go to a good school, get to do some fun things and we eat well. When extra money came in, I knew how to handle it.
My friends bought houses, had phone plans and new high end phones, took out car loans, travelled, had expensive weddings and decent home internet. One of my friends earned more than double what I did, but lived pay to pay and always had less.
I kept out of debt and did everything to get bills under control. I try to get secondhand clothes from friends for my kids and I where possible. I always left myself some fun money where possible for my kids even if it was just for a hot chocolate. I discovered if I save too aggressively and deprive myself too much I cancel my automatic transfers and then spend the cash. I bought everything outright. Or I didnt get it. Never use afterpay. Sometimes I use layby. Automating small transfers to my untouchable savings account changed my life.
I was blessed to not have a rent increase between 2012-2020. Mostly cos the place was a dump and the owner didnt want the hassle of finding another tenant. dealing with rat infestations while your in your 3rd trimester of pregnancy in your mouldy house isnt fun. but having a roof over our heads wasn't something I would compromise. Commuting for 4 hours a day partially by ferry with a 1 week old during a measels outbreak to get your older child to school isnt fun. After my first pay from work this year, I realised i had a month worth of expenses banked. I hope to keep moving onwards and upwards.
Australia has socialised health care and deferred study loan payments as well as partial family welfare for working parents and child care subsidies. . .
2012 . .

No car (Car repossessed 2010)
House with ex repossessed
Credit card debt
1 baby no financial support from other parent
Burnt through savings
Regularly having account in negative
Renting Run down 1bdrm semi.furnished house in a regional area
Addicted to smoking
Depressed
prepaid phone . .

2013

Still no car
Signed up for diploma 22K deferred student loan
shaved my head #2 cut, bought clippers and stopped spending money on hair.
12 hour days, 90min commute each way 5 days a week
Electricity shut off for 2 weeks
Toddler getting sick regularly from daycare
Quit smoking
Recieved a windfall and spent it all on 12month ymca gym membership paid upfront and got an extra month free
Started yoga and pilates at the gym
Still cant control money, account in negative regularly
Got free food from neighbours sometimes
planted tomatoes and basil
started a meetup group (didnt make any money) to meet people. used groupon discounts to organise events or did free stuff
prepaid phone . .

2014

still no car
started university
12 hour days, 90min commute each way 5 days a week
toddler needs operation from getting ear infecfions at daycare
total burnout, failed some subjects at uni
closed the meetup group
still growing food
money still not covering expenses
prepaid phone
volunteered and scored free tix to a festival and met cool people
accessed retirement fund due to financial hardship to pay urgent expenses
doing yoga whenever i have any spare money

. .
2015

started a budget
started learning about FIRE
did some more volunteering, made new connections which lead to more volunteering.
still no car
still attempting to study not doing great
still depressed
prepaid phone
eating healthier
doing yoga whenever i have spare money
account isnt in negative as often
saved my first 1K emergency fund
used emergency fund
bills are getting paid on time
account stays in the black

. .
2016

flunked out of uni
still budgeting
opened an untouchable savings account
still learning about FIRE. taught me flashy toys don't equal wealth
learning about minimalism
making lifestyle changes
still no car
prepaid phone
asked to be on a committe for a festival. got paid a small sum. direct result of prevous volunteering
bills get paid on time
any windfalls go straight into untouchable savings . .

2017 * made last payment on credit card debt

child started school. could buy school supplies with meagre savings
still budgeting
bought a cheap car with cash from the money in untouchable account
saved money, had savings wiped by unexpected bills
prepaid phone
car accident. car gets written off. insurance pays me more than i paid originally. i buy another older but sportier car in cash new car is a lemon. drain untouchable savings repairing it

. .
2018

still budgeting
still prepaid phone
make regular small deposits to untouchable savings
start putting away bill money in untouchable account
earn small bonuses at work. put some extra money in my kids account
get a tax penalty for my bonus forced to pay 70% to tax office in instalments
car playing up. its still drivable and i cant afford to replace it so ... meh
lodge some outstanding tax returns and get bonus money.
i take up hiking and buy hiking boots with cash
buy uniforms for my kid and pay school fees and other bills in advance
get pregnant boyfriend relapses after a long period of sobriety and im left alone
tell my doctor im struggling and get a referall to see a psych. i get a rebate but its expensive. best money ive ever spent.
i super frugally prepare for baby. find out im having a boy and hit up friends with kids for hand me downs. score bigtime.

. .
2019

still budgeting
still prepaid phone
im eligible for maternity pay from my last job because of my years spent budgeting im able to stretch and live within our means
i get a free newborn baby photo shoot by signing my baby up to be a model in a photographers workshop
we have no nursery at home. i let my older girl sleep upstairs in the bedroom and slept on an airmattress downstairs next to the babys cot for 5 months.
thank god i can breastfeed and dont buy formula
i take out more retirement $$ due to hardship
spend 4hours a day commuting with baby to take daughter to school and realise i need to move
look for a new rental but cant afford to move back to the city, or anywhere close at all.
pause all savings and just scrape by

. .
2020

still budgeting
still prepaid phone
decide to attempt to study at uni again to improve job prospects
daughter has to be homeschooled due to pandemic
defer studying until 2021
not commuting for school saves us so much time and money
i get back on track with small deposits to untouchable account
australian goverment starts stimulus money. i save ALL of it
buy a cheap reliable older car from a family member with cash
flight prices bottom out and i get cheap flights to visit an aunt and have a holiday.
realise cost of living and lifestyle in this city is good while holidaying
find a pet friendly rental, apply and am accepted before i flew home. empty retirement $, get rid of most of my belongings and drive 1700km (1056 miles) to move to new city within 2 weeks.
car played up on the way, and for reasons unknown the mechanic only charged me an hours labour to check it out.
no furniture, no tv. no dining table. picnic set to eat off of. camp chairs. travel.cot, mattresses on the floor. still better than before. we have ceiling fans! and air con. and no mould.
we live walking distance from a school. school fees are less. no commuting.
i find free exercise classes
december 2020 i get a new part time job, and negotiate the salary . .

2021

still budgeting
still prepaid phone
have a dining table, storage ottoman /seat and kids beds now
started new job
set up automatic savings transfers until june 2021. going to try my best to build an emergency fund and maybe even invest. rebuilding retirement fund asap.
study is commencing soon
still shave my head. cos ladies can rock this look too 😁

LONG: Unplanned baby, but loved and wanted. Now instead of the gender disappointment I was planning to deal with we are planning to say goodbye. TW: Termination FMR NHS UK

Two weeks ago I was a little excited to finally have my 20 week scan. SO could finally see baby and I felt like it was going to be time to tell our eldest and other people we had been keeping it from. I was a little worried because I had a feeling this would be boy number 3 and I had small hopes to finally re-balance our household. This was a surprise baby; we were planned to be done given two c-sections, age (37 now) and my last pregnancy was hard on me. But when it happened we decided to push on and welcome another child. Things were relatively good. I didn't feel pregnant half the time. 12 week scan was fine, no immediate red flags. I did have a episode of biliary colic the next day and got checked out to be diagnosed with gallstones. After conferring with a surgeon it became clear I would just have to maintain a low fat diet and they would operate after baby was born. Other than that things seemed hunky dory, just exhausting being pregnant with two kids, one just turned 1.
The sonographer seemed preoccupied while doing the scan. She asked if we wanted to know the sex and I turned to my SO and checked he didn't want to have a surprise for the last go around. He confirmed he wanted to know and the sonographer said as almost a throwaway comment "yeah, looks like a boy" while looking intently at another part of his anatomy. That was my first red flag. After a little bit more looking at the heart, flashing up different colour views of blood flow, she told us it was a new machine and she was still getting used to the positioning of the buttons. Not sure how true this was or whether she wanted to say something to reassure us because she was taking a long time trying to get a good view of the heart. After a while she said she had some bad news. She explained that she had seen a couple of concerning patterns in the examination of the baby. She showed us his heart and explained that the valves should make a seagull shape rather than look flat. She then showed us his stomach and intestines and said there was a "double bubble" which means there is likely a problem with the development of intestines and then finally she said the one she couldn't be 100% of was a possibility of a cleft lip. Some views looked normal but there were others where there was a shadow. She went away to consult with a OB-GYN for agreement before she came back to talk through what would happen next. Meanwhile my SO and I, probably in shock, had a bit of a nervous giggle. She came back and explained we were being referred to a fetal medicine unit (FMU) for more thorough scans of the entire baby. She said they would take independent measurements and look at the whole thing from scratch. She then also said the words most people dread to hear which was the combination of more than one issue usually suggests a genetic problem so we should consider if that is something we want to investigate. On the other side she made it sound like surgery on a newborn was a piece of cake and in all likelihood these conditions were easily correctable.
We were a bit stunned. Not telling our 4 year old he is going to be a big brother then. Not saying anything to most people. I had a meeting already booked with my line manager (whom I hadn't told I was pregnant yet) where I had to explain in the same breath I was pregnant but we were having to have more scans as there could be some issues. I told three close friends whom I had told we were going for a scan that there were complications and we were having more scans.
And then I waited for a call from the FMU to set the appointment. The next day they said they would see me first thing in two days time. The wait felt like an age. That said we were still blissfully ignorant of exactly how serious it all was and I avoided Dr Google so I didn't upset myself.
Friday came, we went to the scan. The fetal cardiology scan was first. They asked me if I minded if a trainee was allowed to carry out the initial part of the scan. I am always happy for people to learn and to help out. However there were also 2 consultants and an additional junior doctor so, in total 4 doctors crowded round the monitor, sometimes blocking the view of the screen on the wall. I felt very frustrated by the end of it, especially there was lots of muttering (which as someone who is hard of hearing and with everyone wearing masks it was just impossible to judge whether it was a good or a bad sign). Eventually one of the consultant say "That's what I was hoping to see..." to which my SO thought was a positive sign.
By the end of the scan I was feeling quite sore. They pressed along my scar from my previous c-sections and were pressing hard because of my weight. What was more distressing was this was just the first scan. They took us into a side room to explain what their findings were. The consultant drew a "normal" heart (all of which I remembered from my secondary school days) and then he drew what was going on with our baby's heart. He diagnosed a complete balanced AVSD (atrioventricular septal defect). He said part of the valves were missing and there was a hole in the lower section and likely (although they didn't see to confirm) in the upper section. He then explained it is commonly associated with Trisomy 21 and while there are "good" outcomes for surgery which usually happens around 3-6 months it depends on what else is going on as well. He left us to take in the information and said they would come for us to do the second scan shortly.
Second scan was a bit less brutal and quieter in terms of personnel. That said the monitor on the wall was angled in such a way that all I could see was a blur so I felt like I was just lying there with everyone knowing what was going on but me. The consultant took all the necessary measurements, saw the "double bubble" and confirmed it was duodenal atresia. She couldn't confirm the cleft lip. She decided it was a shadow from something else but got another consultant to check for a second opinion. While she left the room to fetch the other consultant they left us in the room with the image of the baby's face on the screen.
Once she confirmed the duodenal atresia we asked questions about what that meant but overall everyone kept saying unless we understood the genetic issues they couldn't give us a meaningful plan or prognosis.
We talked with a midwife, after holding each other and crying (mostly me), and decided we should probably have an amnio for a quick and definitive diagnosis and should we decide not to continue with the pregnancy we needed a diagnosis soon. They gave us the weekend to be sure we wanted one, especially as they wouldn't be able to send it for analysis until the following week anyway.
The amnio came on a Wednesday. We rushed from dropping the kids at school and nursery up to the hospital and then waited in the waiting room anxiously. The midwife explained that we would have a scan and double check things and then they would perform the amnio. However the scan bit was very short. The consultant checked his heartbeat and then realised that the conditions were good so moved quickly to perform it before baby moved and made it more risky. In order to take my mind off things they asked us about a holiday we had been on and ended up talking for 5 minutes about ice cream flavours. The whole time I kept my eyes shut and wiggled my toes (someone recommended it on here and if anything it gave me something else to focus on). I didn't feel too much pain, just a bit achy afterwards and I spent the afternoon on the sofa playing computer games. 2-3 working days to get the results so I felt that probably we were looking at not hearing anything until Monday
Thursday 6pm my phone starts ringing while we are getting the children ready for bed. The midwife didn't want to make us wait any longer than necessary and the results had just come through. Positive for T21. It just felt like a perfect storm where nothing was going in a more positive direction. It seemed every conversation or journal article I read uncovered another possibility of something being worse.
I tried to look for positive outcomes with all three conditions. I trawled through down syndrome groups, message boards and journal articles and it was very slim pickings. Any sign of both conditions either had a sad ending or the heart issue was less complicated. Some reported the heart diagnosis improving over time but they didn't have the associated bowel issues. We had some tough conversations but really didn't feel like the doctors had given us the full picture.
The midwife tried to arrange some more people to talk to. A pediatric cardiac nurse and a down syndrome specialist nurse. While writing this today we spoke with the cardiac nurse and very quickly she said it was clear that we needed to talk to a consultant as what we wanted to know was more involved than she could give us. She answered some questions around feeding (possible need for a gastric tube long term), time in hospital, medication and the important one- could the picture improve between now and birth with the heart. No. The nature of the AVSD, the common valve and the hole is just not going to improve.
The midwife phoned to say she would arrange for one of the consultants to ring who has experience in multiple areas. As soon as I put the phone down to her he rang. He was frank and clear about everything. I finally felt like someone was tying up all the loose ends and putting the jigsaw puzzle together (if you can excuse this rather mixed metaphor!). He explained the likely plan. He agreed the cardiac problem was unlikely to show any improvement and also that with Downs syndrome in the mix other issues might manifest themselves over the third trimester. He explained the plan would be to treat the duodenal atresia surgically first, which would mean likely 2 weeks in hospital, maybe longer if there are complications. The baby would then need to be at 2-3kg in order to be strong enough for heart surgery. If there are other heart complications then it might be the heart surgery comes first. This is then further complicated by if the duodenal atresia causes polyhydramnios and therefore there is a pre-term birth. Add to that a 60 times higher chance of stillbirth. He didn't suggest it was impossible but the picture he painted was clear.
I am not afraid of cognitive deficits or even so much that my child would likely never leave home. I have an autistic brother who I love and fully expect to have some hand in his care long term. I don't however want to bring a child into this world to be drugged up and operated on and that to be the sum total of his existence. I don't want to tell my children they are getting a baby brother but he is probably going to be very poorly or worse have to tell them he died before he was even born. I don't want to miss out on the next year of their achievements and their life so wrapped up in getting to the next surgery or living in the hospital. I have immense respect for the people who have taken on that challenge and if this were our first baby and I were 10 years younger I would probably face the challenge head on and take the risk of that heartbreak because it would be all on me.
Now every morning I am waking, hoping that he doesn't move because every kick brings tears. I want the decision taken out of my hands because its already so painful to bear. I have no idea how to tell my family, some of whom didn't even know I was pregnant. Likely we will lie and say it was a miscarriage just to make it easier for them to hear.
I hope this story will help someone else down the line. It's helped me to document it even if no one reads it.
Edit: Just to say thank-you to those who have read and commented. I appreciate your kind words and shared experiences. It is a lonely road as no one else can make this decision for us. We spoke with the Midwife about half an hour ago and asked her to start the process for TFMR.
Edit 2: Thank-you again to everyone who has commented. I appreciate the words of support. I have tried to take time to reply to everyone regardless of their perspective because I really do value people sharing their stories and because someone in the future might also find value in them.
I wanted to add on here (in case someone sees this post in the future but doesn't want to read all the comments) that I have had the subreddit tfmr_support recommended to me. Already just scrolling through I can see it will be a supportive and helpful place just as Babybumps has always been.
Also anyone in a similar situation in the UK there is an independent charity ARC (Antenatal results and choices) which has information for all choices people may make. They push no agenda and they support people no matter what route they ultimately take. I got lots of information there and will likely make use of some of their contacts and counselling.
Edit 3: As there are still some people coming across this post I just wanted to add baby Oliver was born sleeping at 8.03am, 14th December 2020. It was an intense but short labour. It seems that my placenta was already failing (they described its condition as gritty) suggesting that he may not have been with us for much longer anyway. He looked so tiny and frail but we were able to say goodbye. Everyone took such excellent care of us and there are more opportunities for support coming. We haven't decided whether to go down a burial, cremation or memorial route yet but thankfully there is no rush for us to decide yet.

36 year old living in London on Maternity Leave

You guys asked for more diaries with kids… so here we go! I’m 36 living in London with husband and 2 kids (8 month old and 3.5 year old), and am a Sales Director, but currently on maternity leave. This diary was written while in lockdown, so this diary might seem a bit lame, but it’s because the burnout is strong, and there isn’t much we are able to do! To get a glimpse of “normal pre-covid” life here is my dairy from March of last year HERE
Assets and Debt - This is in a mix of USD and GBP because I’m an expat living in London:
US Investments (401/Roth) - $175,000
US Checking- $3600
US Stock fund - $9500
UK Checking - £3,800
UK Savings - £66,800
UK Pension - £20,000
I don’t have any debt beyond credit card which I pay in full each month.
I went to a state school out of state, but my parents paid so didn’t have any loans.
Income: £63,300 base salary, and OTE is closer to £90K - Because I’m on maternity leave for the first part of this year I forecast that my annual salary will be closer to £80K. 2020 I ended up at £91,500 pre tax.
Take home pay: Normally £3400 monthly (base) - but I’m currently on maternity leave and get around £600 a month until I go back in April. I still get paid out 100% on my quarterly bonus, which actually has been a blessing in disguise as Covid hit our industry hard.
Rental properties - $56,000 profit annually
Husbands Salary £90k
Expenses:
Daycare: Currently £0. My daughter goes to nursery in the morning (15 hours Government funded) and my son will start daycare 3x a week in April once I go back to work. (3 days will run around £1050 a month). I’m planning to send my daughter to full time nursery in February, which will be around £600 a month.
Rent: I pay £650, but the total monthly rent is £2150 (husband covers the rest - he also covers the remaining mortgage on rental properties that have one)
Utilities and Internet is covered by my husband
Gym (Taken directly from my paycheck with so not included here, but I pay £150 a month and currently on pause due to the lockdown.)
Transportation: I used to budget £130 a month for the tube… now it’s £0.
Monthly Subscriptions:
HayU - Reality TV subscription service £5 - Worth it’s weight in gold during lockdown so we can watch Below Decks, Top Chef and Project Runway!
Sitters.co.uk membership - £5.00 (which, I think I’ve used once since March, but I want to have in case of emergency and we need childcare)
Ocado Delivery - £4
Netflix - Husband pays
NYTimes, New Yorker & The Cut - £5
Daughters ballet class is £50 - we pay even though it is on zoom only, but she can do as many classes as we want a month. Probably going to cancel before February because she hates Zoom and misses her friends - we’ll re-up when things open up again.
Amazon Subscribe and Save £25 - Monthly delivery of diapers and wipes
Cell phone - £15
Cleaner - £80 (she comes 2x a month)
Annual Fees
Amazon Prime - £99 paid annually
Chase Credit Card - $100 paid annually
Two Together Travel Card - £30 hasn’t gotten much use this year, but has at least paid for itself. (Gives my husband and I 30% off all train tickets where we travel together)
ArtFund Couples Card- £79 which we’ve used once this year - I’m considering it a donation this year, it allows for discounts at different museums and helps with their funding.
Zoo Season Pass - £198 we bought this in August and went fairly often while the zoo was open (2x a month) unfortunately the zoo was closed all of November and since mid December.
Donations: I don’t have any standing contributions, I am more likely to donate ad hoc, especially if it is in support of a friend. We contribute to fundraising for my daughters school, I’ve given about £500 this school year so far.
Family Help
Currently, nothing beyond sending gifts for Christmas and birthdays. I lived at home with my mom for about 2 years from the ages of 22-24, I found this arrangement to be very typical of people who grew up in my hometown which is a VHCOL city.
Career Progression: You can check it out here
My first job (beyond babysitting) was working at an ice-cream/soda shop when I was 17. It was an awesome first job, I learned a lot about running a small business and diversifying inventory (the owner also sold gag gifts and collectables to offset the low ice-cream sales in the winter).
Money Diary
Day 1 - Sunday:
11:00 After everyone is showered, fed and the adults are caffeinated we head out to take a walk down to a large playground bit further from our house. There is a short line to get in, but once inside there is the perfect amount of people, and enough space to sit down while socially distancing.
1:30 We bribe our daughter out of the playground by promising her some french fries, we grab lunch (2 sandwiches to split and an order of fries and an orange juice) £10.50
5:00 A few friends have shared links to donate food to the National Guard as they work on Inauguration day, I donate $25 or £18.40
6:15 Kids have dinner, a few episodes of Peppa Pig (side note, I’d like to acknowledge my love for Peppa’s playgroup teacher, Madame Gazelle. I love the nuggets of backstory they give her… she was in a pop band, had a lost love, etc), and bedtime routine (bath, stories).
8:15 I place an order for Pasta Evangelists pasta delivery - I’ve seen ads for months and months and finally pulled the trigger because they are including an Aperol Spritz set and charcuterie with your first order and deeply miss traveling, so at least I can pretend I’m on holiday. £14.50 billed now, but will arrive next week.
Total: £28.90
Day 2 - Monday
6:15 - Baby is up and needs a diaper change and bottle, he’s happy to chill in bed with us for about an hour until our daughter wakes up. Get her breakfast sorted and get her ready for nursery.
9:00 - Husband leaves to drop my daughter off at nursery, returns with coffee. We get takeaway coffee pretty often to support our local coffee shop. My husband pays today. We are very lucky in that most schools in the UK are closed and will be closed until Easter, but our nursery has decided to remain open. I’m so happy because she needs the socialisation and loves going and playing with her friends.
10:00 Morning of house chores, cleaning kitchen, folding laundry, vacuuming, making bottles and making beds. I shower and throw on some leggings with a fun palm print. It is blue Monday after all! My morning routine just consists of moisturiser at the moment.
11:45 - Pick up my daughter from nursery and feed the kids lunch. I’m not much of a chef, my meals are very simple and I won’t bore you with too many food descriptions in this diary, but to give you an idea, my son has mashed banana and blueberries, and my daughter has some chicken bites, banana, blueberry and yogurt, and some cherry tomatoes.
4:15 Long afternoon where I didn’t do anything but run after the kids. Attempted to do some scooter practice outside but didn’t get very far. Daughter has a Zoom ballet class, afterwards I hide in the kitchen and eat some chocolate easter eggs. Some days I feel like I have accomplished nothing, and today is one of them.
10:30 Head to bed - after watching The September Issue I found out Grace Coddington has a autobiography, so I get started on that. I’ve been reading a lot of memoirs and autobiographies recently, so up for any recommendations!
Day 3 - Tuesday
7:15 My husband gets the baby from his room and I feed him a bottle. We are lucky that he is (mostly) sleeping through the night. We get my daughter ready for nursery and husband drops her off. He picks me up a coffee on his way home.
9:30 I walk over to a friend’s house to drop off some baby clothes, (socially distanced, I just drop them off) her little boy is a few months younger than mine. I wish we were able to get together more as I’m finding this maternity leave to be rough. It’s really hard to not have the same activities and meet ups with friends to look forward to. I did a baby music class for a while (£60 for a term of 8 weeks, just an FYI) when it was possible to attend, but it was hard to connect with other moms when we all must wear masks, keep far apart, were told not to have conversations with each other, and can’t go to get a coffee or lunch after the class.
10:15 Baby fell asleep on the walk home, so while he sleeps I do an Amazon order for some random stuff we need that has been sitting in my cart for a while, (Ponytail holders and hair clips for my daughter, glue (super and Elmers), packing tape, Sudocream, placemats for the kids, Carter’s zippered sleepsuits in a bigger size, and some Valentines Day decorations). £67.28
3:00 - This afternoon we went to the playground and I picked up a book (Rodham by Curtis Sittenfield) from our local library which is still open for pick up. They’ve waived hold fees and late fees during the pandemic which has been really nice.
6:00 - Our grocery delivery arrives - it’s your basic milk, eggs, bread, and enough fruits, veggies, snacks, and household items (paper towels, toilet paper, cleaning supplies) to hopefully last another 10 days which was the soonest I could get another delivery in. £123.09
7:35 My kids are asleep and I give my mom a quick call - we discuss local news in my hometown and tomorrow’s inauguration. I’m excited, but also a little worried about how things could go. We talk about her hopefully being able to come out for half term in May, by then she should be vaccinated and our lockdown should be over.
10:30 Go back and forth between reading Grace and Rodham. Finally fall asleep at 12:30 even though I’m exhausted.
Total £190.40
Day 4 - Wednesday
10:00 Happy Inauguration Day! Sit down and begin my son’s daycare application, and get in touch with my HR team to let them know and also schedule a Keep In Touch day for later in February.
1:30 I picked my daughter up from nursery, made turkey sandwiches for everyone (baby gets some pureed fruit) and did an online workout class at 12:30. £6 for the class as it is a separate payment from my paused membership.
3:00 We (the whole family) go out in the rain for a scooter jaunt. We are home within an hour as it is rainy and not that nice out and flip on CNN to watch inauguration coverage. Around 5:00 my husband goes on a run and I put together dinner for the kids and put them to bed.
8:00 Sit down to eat some coconut shrimp stir fry and watch the rest of the ceremony that we taped. After dinner I start another grocery delivery and look at pinterest for recipe inspiration. The total comes to £86.70 but won’t arrive and I won’t be charged until next Thursday.
10:00 Head to bed and continue reading a few chapters of Grace. Living vicariously through her jet set life as we have been stagnant for so long.
Total: £6
Day 5 - Thursday
6:15 Baby is up and I bring him back to our bed and feed him a bottle. I fell asleep again between 7:00-8:20 and had three intense dreams back to back. I wake up super exhausted. Help get my daughter ready for nursery.
11:45 Go to pick up my daughter and stop by the post office to drop off an eBay sale. I also buy some stamps to send letters to the US, and some popcorn £29.40 Stop by the grocery store as well to pick up a few things; blueberries, tortilla wraps, orange juice and a pastry £5.25
3:00 Still feeling very blah. My son ended up taking a 90 minute nap (!!) so I tried to lay down but couldn’t fall asleep. My daughter doesn’t want to go to the playground, just play inside, which is fine. I think she is over the cold weather too. Feeling very “covid mole” as another poster described herself the other day.
5:00 We head out for a walk, it was actually really good to get outside and get some fresh air. Come home and feed the kids dinner, do bedtime routine (bath, milk, stories) and feel much better. After we have dinner My husband watches a documentary on The Comedy Store, and I tool around a bit on ancestry.com.
Total: £34.75
Day 6 - Friday
8:00 Same morning routine, the sun is out this morning so that helps put me in a good mood.
10:00 Online workout, this time I do a free one on YouTube while the baby has his morning nap.
12:00 Pick up my daughter, on our return home we have two packages, our Cook Food delivery (£42.00 paid in advance) and a bottle of champagne from my husband’s company as a thank you.
1:30 Both kids are napping, my husband is out for a run, and I read a bit more of Rodham, I like Curtis Sittenfield a lot, really enjoyed American Wife which was based on Laura Bush, but somehow Rodham feels more invasive?
3:00 The sun is still out so we head down to the playground. My daughter currently only doing a half day at nursery because I wanted to be able to do things with her in the afternoon while I was on maternity leave. But due to Covid and everything being shut (museums, play spaces, playgroups, classes) I’m going to have her go full time earlier than we had planned. We stop by Gail’s bakery on the way home and get a Rose & Pistachio cake and a scone to all share £6
7:45 Kids are in bed and husband has been craving Thai food, so he goes out to pick up our order and buys some beers at the bottle shop (he pays, but this is £28). While he’s out I watch some millennial money videos.
8:30 Have dinner and watch King of Staten Island, which I was pleasantly surprised by. It was much more emotional than I thought it would be, I really enjoyed it. Love Marisa Tomei!
Total £6
Day 7 -Saturday
11:45 Even though it is really cold out, the sun is trying to come out, so we decide to walk to a park a bit further away. Head over and go to the playground. We were planning to stop for French Fries at 5 Guys on the way home, but because my daughter has an epic meltdown, (the trifecta of being cold, hungry and not taking a nap) so we don’t stop.
5:00 I add a few things to my Amazon cart, a splat mat to put under the high chair, and some workbooks to practice writing letters for my daughter. I probably won’t order until later next week, I’d like to have a few more items in there and nothing is a “must have”. We are out of milk so husband makes a quick trip, picks up milk and a bottle of wine (£9.30 but he pays)
8:00 Kids are in bed, dinner is in the oven, wine is being chilled… it really seems like a Sunday so happy to have another low key day tomorrow.
Total £0
Weekly Total: £266.05
Food & Drink: £159.34
Shopping: £67.48
Home & Health: £6
Other: £47.80
Reflections: This is a fairly typical week for our family. I’m not too surprised by the amount for the food section, because rather than a weekly shop we’ve had to push it to once every 10 days due to delivery demands. As I am now getting paid SMP rather than a full paycheck I’m trying to be really conscious of my spending and try to delay purchases that aren’t must haves, at least for the next few months. With the pound rallying against the dollar, (it’s currently $1.36 to £1) I’m going to take advantage and transfer money to my US accounts and really bulk up my savings.

Goethe’s Children...

Authors Note: after my first story had been so grim with its descriptions of mass genocide, I wanted to write something light hearted and fun but which actually asked the question-‘what COULD humans actually do to compete in the universe; what do we do have that IS actually possibly a unique weapon?’ So I wrote this. Still ended up with mass genocide but we can laugh about it...
Transcript of broadcast; SNN News Hour; Special report; Broadcast Live 8:03pm EST June 19th 2089; SNN Host Meredith Walker presenting Transcript begins 6 seconds in:
Meredith Walker: ...thank you for joining us here as we continue our coverage of the first annual Victory Day celebrations with SNN’s exclusive interview with all three ‘Heroes of the Liberation’. They have not been seen in public since Victory Day itself and we are very honoured to have them all here.
SNN News Hour Ident; return to studio
Meredith Walker: So on my right is Dr Li Huning, Head of Xenobiology at the University of Beijing, former member of the U.N.A.L.C. and recently appointed member of the Standing Committee of the Politburo of the People’s Republic of China...
Dr Li Huning: Hello Ms. Walker
Meredith Walker: Of course we have Admiral Sir William Patterson, of the British Royal Navy, named by Time Magazine ‘the greatest military genius in human history’ and newly appointed Commander in Chief of the Allied Earth Interstellar Fleet...
Sir William Patterson: Thank You Meredith. Good evening everyone.
Meredith Walker: And finally we have Yolanda Yaltzer, writer, director, producer, fashion designer, social media influencer and author of the best selling book ‘Don’t you screw with me alien boi’
Yolanda Yaltzer: I am like stoked to be here right now. Like we are actually talking to like the ENTIRE world? That’s wild!
Meredith Walker: Thank you Miss Yaltzer
Yolanda Yaltzer: Call me Yo-Yo as in the Haus of Yo-Yo. That’s my new fashion range name by the way.
Meredith Walker: Indeed. Thank you. Now before we start a brief reminder of the achievements of the Three Heroes and our glorious victory...
(Video segment; 6 minutes long; video ends; commercial; end of commercial Meredith Walker reintroduced the three)
Meredith Walker: So, I have to ask- 26 years ago- 2063; where were you when the invasion took place?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Like OhMYGawd, I was in bed. So, I was at High School but was at home that day cos I had mono. My family lived in San Fernando and I remember seeing those spaceships on TV and was all ‘Am I tripping balls?’ cos I was like worried the mono was making me all freaky...
Sir William Patterson: I was at also at my parents home when they arrived. We lived in Wiltshire. I’d just graduated from Queens Cambridge.
Meredith Walker: So you were not a member of the military back then Sir William?
Sir William Patterson: Far from it. I was a newly minted holder of a masters in 18th Century European Literature. I joined the Royal Navy a week after our surrender. Many people joined their militaries after that back then.
Yolanda Yaltzer: You know what’s weird? I’ve liked watched EVERY single Hollywood movie ever made about aliens invading Earth and like they ALWAYS show space ships over America and shiz. But when it happened? They all freaking appeared over China! Like China! No offence Doc. But I think we were not prepared for the reality of an alien invasion.
Sir William Patterson: Well, they targeted the top 24 largest cities on Earth as you know and only New York made that list; China ended up with six ships hovering above them and India had five, with Lahore being close but...
Dr Li Huning: I was in Shanghai when they arrived
Yolanda Yaltzer: No! Freaking! Way! You never told me that Doc! Gee, you think you know a guy...
Dr Li Huning: I remember the panic. The vast leviathan above us. Its immensity. I knew then, I think we all knew then, that there would be little fighting. Their sheer size. The absolute power of them.
Meredith Walker: Indeed Doctor. And three weeks later Prime Minister Akoshi of Japan surrendered on behalf of the human species. Some feel that he acted hastily, unilaterally, that we should have at least tried...
Sir William Patterson: No, I’m sorry Meredith, but that’s revisionism. We had then, as now, no weapons capable of combatting the Vorton. I’ve seen what their ships can do. We would have been annihilated.
Dr Li Huning: Akoshi was Prime Minister of Japan and Tokyo was the largest city in Earth. The Vorton believed it was the main centre of human life. They insisted upon him representing all humans. My government, all governments, agreed.
Meredith Walker: The North Koreans didn’t.
Sir William Patterson: And that’s why there is no North Korea anymore Meredith.
Dr Li Huning: What happened there convinced us all. All governments. It was pointless fighting them. Akoshi was just unlucky to be the man who had to kowtow.
Meredith Walker: And with that, as we all know, the occupation began...
Dr Li Huning: It was hardly an occupation Miss Walker. Only a handful of Vorton ever came to Earth.
Meredith Walker: You met with the Vorton very early on didn’t you Dr Li?
Dr Li Huning: Yes. My position then was Head of Astrobiology at University of Shanghai. My government felt this would give me some insight into the creatures. So I was asked to join the United Nations Alien Liaison Committee in Geneva. We alone would meet with the Exarch and it’s three advisors.
Yolanda Yaltzer: And Vorton were like SO freaky. First time I actually met one? Half of me wanted to scream and half of me wanted to hurl. Like super-chunks. They were so large and weirdly shaped. Kinda like some kinky dildo.
Meredith Walker: The first nine years then of the occupation...
Dr Li Huning: Again. Not an occupation. We humans had submitted. We were a client planet for the Vorton Ascendency. One of a dozen such planets. They demand we provide whatever they wished for and in return for allowing them take it we would be left alone.
Meredith Walker: But members of the race would travel to earth to destroy large parts of the planet, the operations they carried out...
Dr Li Huning: When they stripped mined Alberta? Only five Vorton operated those machines. They sought the shale gas, informed us of their intention, landed, and took it. Five Vorton, two machines. Not an occupation.
Meredith Walker: But they destroyed over 43 million hectors of virgin wilderness...
Dr Li Huning: I do not justify what they did. Nor try to present it in a way other than what it was. We had encountered an alien species many times more powerful than us. They could have destroyed the human race in a moment. We just complied because we had no choice.
Meredith Walker: And yet critics maintain an active resistance would have dissuaded them from doing such things.
Sir William Patterson: Those critics are idiots.
Meredith Walker: Harsh words Sir William.
Sir William Patterson: Yes they only had a handful of Vorton on Earth but they only NEEDED a handful. They were a hive mind. What one saw they all saw.
Dr Li Huning: Many, even today, say we should have killed isolated Vorton as a sign of resistance. This would have been foolish. If we killed one the whole race would know.
Meredith Walker: But those critics insist that had we acted fast enough...
Dr Li Huning: They do not understand quantum biology Ms Walker. Those critics brandish ideas around like ‘a bomb acts quicker than the speed of thought’. These ideas are foolish. Vorton minds were linked in a much more complex way. Complex Quantum entanglement captured in biological form. If we killed one the entire species would know of its death. Instant communication over a dozen planets.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Like, can you IMAGINE taking a dump and EVERYONE knows your dropping? Like GAWD!
Sir William Patterson: I must echo Dr Li’s words here Meredith. The Vorton species was, until recently, the most formidable race in the galaxy. A collective hive mind, driven by a single purpose. I dedicated my life to fighting them as you know, and have been told I helped defeat them. Well then, with those credentials allow me say- Those critics who wish we had done more those first ten years or so, they do not know what they are talking about.
Dr Li Huning: The Vorton didn’t occupy us. They took what they wanted and left us alone. They desired all subject races be useful for them is all. We were not and until we could be, our planet was judged useful. This was why they took the shale and the copper and the zinc...
Meredith Walker: Useful. Interesting choice of words Dr Li. You refer, of course, to the Paris experiments?
Dr Li Huning: I was not involved in those projects.
Meredith Walker: But you knew off them?
Dr Li Huning: The Liaison Committee approved of the attempt to see if humans could connect to the Vorton hive mind.
Meredith Walker: Even at the cost...
Dr Li Huning: All those who died were volunteers.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Ohhhhhh the brain melting? Oh that was SUPER gnarly. I saw pictures of that stuff after I got security clearance. Like we are talking Mr Bufu! I mean Lord-God-King-Bufu. It was as grim as balls.
Dr Li Huning: Human brains could not merge with Vorton. We had the base structure but in their words their brains were a million times more complex. We were not as useful to them as our planet was. We would not be seen as useful until after the creation of the films.
Meredith Walker: Now that leads us onto a subject many are curious about. The Human-Vorton film industry. Dr Li- how did it all start?
Dr Li Huning: I would ask Miss Yeltzer, she was the most successful exponent of it.
Meredith Walker: Yes but who was it who brought her in- whose idea it in the first place?
Dr Li Huning: You misunderstand. We did not bring Miss Yeltzer into this. She brought us into it.
Meredith Walker: Miss Yeltzer?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Hel-Lo! Yeah. Oh I know this one. So it’s likes SUPER convoluted. But like really if you gotta pick a day when the whole thing started it’s when those cops in India like raided that call centre...
Meredith Walker: India?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Yah. There was this guy, some minor dweeb working there, real sweaty cubical meerkat, and he was making memes about the Vortons in his work time. Like super weird stuff, little animated films of Vortons screwing elephants. Cos like they were SO large.
Dr Li Huning: This part of the story has not been declassified yet Miss Yaltzer.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oops. My bad.
Dr Li Huning: Miss Yeltzer refers to a raid carried out by the Mumbai police force on a warrant issued by the Liaison Committee in Setember 2072. A series of short animations about the Vortons had began appearing on the internet, each growing in extreme content. We worried that if even one of the Vortons saw them they would all know and we would face an overreaction so we ordered the creator arrested.
Meredith Walker: Sir William? You were not involved in this at the time?
Sir William Patterson: No, I was simply a junior officer in Whitehall at the time. It’s all Yolanda.
Yolanda Yaltzer: So like I was there yar? I was freakin Ground Zero. Like not in the raid in India, obviously BUT... well I was working at a SPFX company in LA at the time. I’d graduated from the animation department at UCLA by then and like EVERYONE went there to work for Pixar and I was like ‘no way I’m gonna work for the damned mouse’. So I ended up at this little place that specialised in high end late stage rendering of CGI. And like someone sent us a copy of the Indian meme animations. And immediately I was like ‘WHOAH DUDE!’ Cos I could see there was something special.
Meredith Walker: What drew you to it?
Yolanda Yaltzer: The detail. Like whomever rendered the image- he’d SEEN a Vorton up close. Not on TV but in the flesh. They rendered it really well. Like, maybe cos of the nature of their bodies but it was easier to cross the uncanny valley with Vorton than with humans.
Meredith Walker: Cross the uncanny valley?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh yar. So when we do computer generated people on screen there is always that little thing that makes them look off. It isn’t much but we can usually always tell- that’s not a fricken human yeah? But Vorton have much more simplistic facial features. They like are easier to render on screen and make look real. To then anyway.
Meredith Walker: So what led you to make that first film?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Well, I’d JUST dumped this guy, he was like a yoga instructor from San Diego, and he was super into Tantra, but like, not willing to BE in the moment. And so I was like ‘no way is it worth trying to get him to actualise his feelings’ so I’d dumped his ass and I went on this super big creative trip and so was all up in my desire to make something. So I used those animations and improved on them. Improved on them a LOT.
Meredith Walker: What inspired you to make a film with an all Vorton cast?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Like it was easy. I could use the template from the Mumbai animation and just adjusted it. Did a short film about two Vorton encountering an automated food vendor. You KNOW how fustrating those things are- you have to be SO precise. So I did this short film about two Vorton trying to get it to work.
Meredith Walker: Entirely computer generated?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Obviously. Its not like I could like ASK a Vorton to show up.
Meredith Walker: And the language barrier?
Yolanda Yaltzer: I used a standard translation matrix. Their language was pretty basic.
Meredith Walker: Professor- why was Miss Irwins animation accepted and the previous ones not?
Dr Li Huning: Miss Irwin’s short film was not mocking Vorton. If anything it mocked the weakness of human AI. It was satire on our technology. The Vorton came across as very realistic, disdainfully trying to work out how to fathom something even we humans had issues with.
Meredith Walker: Is this why you decided to show the Vorton delegation the film?
Dr Li Huning: Partly. Also we were desperate. We wanted to distract them. They were talking about a new quota. 186 million tonnes of hardwood. They were after the Indonesian rainforests. All the Indonesian rainforests. Everyone was trying to find a way for us to be ‘useful’ for them. Any idea was being considered. I saw a copy of Miss Yeltzer’s short film and decided to show it to them.
Meredith Walker: And their reaction?
Dr Li Huning: They enjoyed it.
Meredith Walker: The Exarch and his advisors?
Dr Li Huning: No, all of them. The entire species. The Vorton hive mind. Four watched it, 23 billion enjoyed it. They wanted more.
Yolanda Yaltzer: And hey presto- 2074, the Human Vorton Entertainment industry was born. You’re welcome humanity.
Meredith Walker: Which leads us to the question that many have asked over the years- why DO you think they enjoyed our movies so much?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh GAWD so many reasons. Partly it was like you know, we had been making films for SO long. Like Hollywood was SO good at it..
Dr Li Huning: The Vorton had never needed visual portrayals of themselves Ms Walker. They communicated with themselves instantly after all. So seeing themselves on a screen was a novelty for them.
Sir William Patterson: And our film industry was merely a continuation of a long tradition of story telling, humans have been creating stories for centuries, thousands of years, after all.
Yolanda Yaltzer: TOTALLY! I mean like we forget- we watch some Hollywood movie and are all like ‘its derivative and commercial’ blah blah. We forget like movies are just an extension of the human need to create narratives so as to find a sense of the freakin’ numinous. To get a small hit of what the Vorton got on a daily. Since the first ever dramatists, Kālidāsa in India, Aristophanes in Ancient Greece, narrative tales had been man’s attempt to create meaning.
Meredith Walker: Er...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Humans seek desperatly to connect with one another. That dude Huxley said we are all ‘island universes’ you know? Each consciousness profoundly trapped within our own minds, desperately seeking commonality of experience. It’s why we are drawn to fictional tales. We want to find a sense of empathy, of connection with one another. Movies and books and all our stories were like the Vorton hive mind. But basic you know. Like super basic. Yet even the most crude low budget film is an attempt to unite us as a species. Take porn.
Meredith Walker: Porn?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh yar. Perfect example. Everyone who clicks on porn? Bottom line their need is to see something that makes them go ‘I want that to be me’ or ‘I want to make that happen’ yar? So like porn is just like reading something weird like Lord of the Rings but without the need to imagine yourself with pointy ears.
Meredith Walker: I had not...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Ultimately, we had been making films and doing books, hell just telling stories for aeons and it was all a low-key attempt to replicate the advanced central intelligence and experiences of the Vorton. We humans are alone and through stories and narratives seek to create constructs that allow us unite as a species. So given we had been doing that for freakin CENTURIES it meant we had such a head start when it came to translating such ideas into a moving visual medium that we were easily able to adapt to facilitate complex, nuanced and sophistication empathic responses within an alien audience.
Meredith Walker: Well. I don’t think our viewers have ever heard such an explanation... Er...
Sir William Patterson: You know, despite how Yolanda is portrayed in the media, she does have an IQ of 163.
Dr Li Huning: Yes. She would have a doctorate now if she would only maintain her studies.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Please Doc. Academia is like super boring.
Meredith Walker: Moving on, Professor? So Yolanda’s theory that human films replicated Vorton hive thinking was the reason they liked them?
Dr Li Huning: Partly. There was also a fascination with moving images of them. Vorton had a mixed sense of self. They do not exist as individuals. They are Collective. So seeing a Vorton always meant knowing a Vorton. ‘They’ and ‘me’ are one. Until they saw images of Vorton on screen. These high resolution computer images looked like them highly accurately but they could not connect to them telepathically. It intrigued them. They would focus on the images with all their attention.
Sir William Patterson: And this is where language became crucial.
Meredith Walker: How so Sir William?
Sir William Patterson: The Vorton had never developed a native language. They had not needed to. Since the species evolution they had communicated telepathically. This had allowed them evolve into apex predators on their home world. Had facilitated their technological ascendency. They only created the spoken Vorton language to communicate with the dozen client Worlds they conquered. They invented language so as to talk to non telepaths.
Dr Li Huning: Yes and the language was, by their standards, simplistic and crude. After all, all other species were crude by their standards. Yet in this simplicity lay the potential for vast amounts of systemic resonance.
Meredith Walker: Systemic resonance?
Sir William Patterson: Consider it this way Meredith. Suppose I say the word ‘blue’ to you. What comes into your mind?
Meredith Walker: The colour blue.
Sir William Patterson: Right. But someone else may think automatically of the sky. Or the ocean. Or the wallpaper in their nursery.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Totally. It’s dependent upon the individual. Like I hear ‘blue’ and I think of the music of Robert Johnson and BB King and the blues...
Sir William Patterson: Someone may think of the uniforms of Union soldiers in the American civil war. Others will think of cold. Or sadness.
Dr Li Huning: A person from China would hear the word and think of wood or immortality or spring...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Exactly, or be like ‘oh GAWD that blue dress Shawna was wearing last week made her ass look SO fat’...
Sir William Patterson: But each link, each connection we can infer from the word is kept within our minds, these ‘island universes’ as Yolanda said.
Dr Li Huning: But the Vorton shared all these connections with one another in real time. You say blue to a Vorton and they would instantaneously have all these thoughts and connections at once, even divergent ones and be able to reconcile these divergent reactions all within moments.
Sir William Patterson: By using their simplistic language we could communicate vast amounts of meaning.
Yolanda Yaltzer: It made writing scripts SUPER easy you know? Who needs careful dialogue to show a growing attraction between two Vorton? Just have one say ‘Meal. Tomorrow. Together?’ and they would fill in the blanks with like a billion variations and ideas and so forth. Not that they understood romance.
Dr Li Huning: This was why for the next 12 years we humans provided films and entertainments for the Vortons. Which they rewarded with payments. Usually in the form of gold.
Meredith Walker: And the Vorton just accepted these films without reservations?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Have you SEEN the size of my mansion?
Dr Li Huning: There were suspicions at first. But Miss Yolanda and a few others could produce movies showing Vortons doing things and saying things which they would watch with utter fascination. Their collective minds would fill simplistic plot and narrative with vast amounts of context, subtext and culture detail we could never guess at. Our films entertained them. And we would make sure they fit within world views the Vorton approved. We earned trust and became useful.
Meredith Walker: And on that note we need a word from our sponsors. We will be right back...
(Cut to advertisements; upon return video segment of clips of films targeted at Vorton audiences between 2077 and 2087 including ‘Destemper’ (YoYoFilms 2078); ‘Encounter on Farjo’ (UniversalWarner 2080); ‘The Enral Connundrum’ (YoYoFilms 2083; Winner Best Visual Effects; Best Sound Editing Academy Awards) and ‘Isolation’ (YoYoFilms 2086; Winner Best Adapted Screenplay; Best Director; Best Film Academy Awards)
Meredith Walker: Isolation was your biggest hit wasn’t it?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh MY Gawd. They adored it. The story of one of their own cut off from the hive mind by mysterious alien tech and battling his way back to connect to his own people? They fricken LOVED that. So did the Academy Awards! But like I didn’t have to blow anyone to get liked by the Vortons!
Meredith Walker: Sir William when did the military become involved?
Sir William Patterson: We were monitoring the growth of the entertainment industry from the earliest days but we only seriously became involved in 2083.
Meredith Walker: And you led that involvement?
Sir William Patterson: Eventually, yes. I had developed a theory at the time that the film industry would be useful to us. British Intelligence put me in contact with someone in America and this was how I became involved in Yolanda’s productions.
Meredith Walker: And your first joint project?
Sir William Patterson: ‘Twen’.
(Cut to clip of the film ‘Twen’ (YoYoFilms 2087) The fictional account of the famed warleader of the Vorton species who led their first three subjugations; the clip shows the image of Twen stood before his Legions during the Battle of Nebebabn Station; the image of Twen turns to his soldiers and begins speaking- human subtitles reveal the dialogue; ‘Forward again. Forward siblings. Or neglect the dead. Before now, harmonious being was purpose. Now war. Reject briefly harmonious. Be like a feral Braan....’ clip ends)
Meredith Walker: The Vorton enjoyed Twen?
Yolanda Yaltzer: A fricken understatement lady!
Dr Li Huning: It wasn’t that they enjoyed it. It was that we made it knowing they were about to invade the Gasteibians. It was basically a war movie made just before they went to war. And it actually aided them.
Meredith Walker: Aided them?
Dr Li Huning: The Vorton Exarch informed us that the species watched Twen three times before the attack on Gasteibian. It drove them to a heightened almost fanatical sense of combat readiness. Indeed by all accounts they felt Twen helped them ruthlessly destroy all Gasteiban resistance.
Meredith Walker: And Sir William was involved in making Twen?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Are you kidding me? He wrote the damn script.
Meredith Walker: You wrote the script Admiral?
Sir William Patterson: Not really. Its Shakespeare. Henry V. ‘Once More onto the breach dear friends once more...’. Just simplified it to fit the Vorton language and allowed the words and images inspire their collective mind. They did the rest.
Meredith Walker: But Twen was what convinced your superiors about your theory?
Sir William Patterson: Convinced them? No. But my superiors took my idea to NATO high command and they submitted it to the U.N. Liason Committee.
Dr Li Huning: And I saw the merits in his idea. Yes. I approved the plan. Invited William and Miss Yaltzer to join me in Geneva.
Meredith Walker: And that was how you all started working together then?
Dr Li Huning: On the Werther project? Yes.
Meredith Walker: What made this special?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Well like firstly, the basic set up I gave them was TOTALLY killer. So the opening sequence was gonna be a magnatar crashing into a black hole and there is this massive disruption of spacetime but also at a quantum level and BOOM! The Vortons in our story suddenly found themselves unable to talk with their minds.
Dr Li Huning: The basis for the movie wasn’t scientifically accurate...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh PLEASE Doc. It was a disaster movie. No disaster movie is EVER scientifically accurate. It’s all about narrative. Disaster happens. Hero copes. Standard template. Blah blah. And cos we hadn’t like ever made a disaster movie for em before we could use like EVERY trope like cos they hadn’t seen the tropes before. It was ideal.
Meredith Walker: But there was more to the film than that?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh yar! That was where sailor boy came in. He insisted we base what followed on some old book.
Meredith Walker: Sir William?
Sir William Patterson: Yes it was imperative we use a novel called ‘The Sorrows of Young Werther’ by Johann Von Goethe. This is the book that established Von Goethe as one of the greats of German literature when it was published in 1774. I tried to tell Yolanda it was imperative we used this book as the basis of the story we were telling...
Yolanda Yaltzer: And I was like NO way. Like sure, I could see that we needed a narrative structure about individuals ‘Cos like all disaster movies do the big ‘arrrgghhhh im dying I’m dying’ routine but always make the story about basically boy meet girl and they get together while everything is blowing up, like ALL disaster movies you know, but this book? Oh GAWD!
Sir William Patterson: It’s one of the greats of European literature.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Its super boring Sailor Boy! Like the protagonist, Young Werther, he is SUCH a fricken Mary Sue. He is SO what the Goethe guy wanted to be. Super super intelligent and super super sensitive. Oh so goddamn sensitive. Like BARF!
Sir William Patterson: The book was chosen for a reason Yolanda...
Meredith Walker: Rumour has it, it was you who solved the creative arguments Dr Li?
Dr Li Huning: Yes. I saw the dilemma- where had two vehicles designed to tell two very differing stories. On the one hand Miss Yeltzer’s desire to use a disaster movie, which we could see would work at providing an exciting narrative structure. But on the other hand we had Williams need to use the novel by Goethe. Which we needed, to fit within his overall plan. At the same time I also saw a need to include narrative elements showing the Vorton coping with their loss of telepathic abilities and wanted images showing them coming together to overcome this as a way of reinforcing Vorton belief systems.
Meredith Walker: So how did you solve these conflicting ideas Dr Li?
Dr Li Huning: I suggested we scrap making a film and turn it into a mini series.
Yolanda Yaltzer: A freakin MINI SERIES. Screw Hollywood- do Netflix. It was great. We could take our time, work in somehow all we wanted.
Meredith Walker: And the Vorton enjoyed it?
Dr Li Huning: They could not get enough of it. The series introduced concepts they had never encountered before. Ideas they had never conceptualised. They would spend days engaged in complex debates based upon the themes we raised. And for the Vorton? Debates that last that long were unprecedented.
Meredith Walker: And they didn’t suspect any ulterior purpose?
Dr Li Huning: They saw us react truthfully. They would invite myself and Miss Yeltzer to their mothercraft in orbit above Earth to answer questions directly from their exarch after each episode on behalf of their species.
Yolanda Yaltzer: It was like a SUPER intense Q and A. Sailor boy came along with us as our bodyguard each time.
Dr Li Huning: And we appeared as what we were. Humans eager to entertain them and engage them.
Meredith Walker: Did you know the show would have the effect it did?
Dr Li Huning: Of course the possibility had been raised by Sir William.
Sir William Patterson: I didn’t KNOW at all. There was a small chance it could happen. That was all.
Meredith Walker: So what was it about that book that made it so important? Its a classic of literature as you said Sir William...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Oh please. Its a crap book. Don’t look at me like that sailor boy. It is. The Sorrows of Young Werther. Gimme a break. It’s all boring exposition. And the central story? So you have this guy Werther and he falls for this hottie but he never says anything cos he is as wet as it comes. And the hottie gets together with this older gentlemen- which is creepy but there it is. And Werther is always hanging around the couple in a super cringe way to ‘win her back’ or some crap like that.
Sir William Patterson: There is a little more to it than that Yolander...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Really? Where? Its insipid. He realises that the chicks Sugar Daddy? He’s ok. The girl he loves? She’s happy. So guess what? He decides it’s in everyone’s best interest to...kill himself.
Sir William Patterson: Seriously, there is a lot more to it, it was part of the Strum und Drang poetic movement and...
Yolanda Yaltzer: What a TOTAL incel! I mean Jebus! But guess what? Uber Incel can’t even kill himself right. He puts some old pistol to his head, pulls the trigger but doesn’t die. So lies there, like his brain’s bleeding out and it’s all woe is me and afterwards this girl and her Sugar Daddy are all sad...
Sir William Patterson: Honestly, it...
Dr Li Huning: There is a degree of accuracy here Sir William.
Yolanda Yaltzer: Thank you Doc. Anyway there THEN follows this huge over the top reaction apparently. Young men all over fricken Europe read this book and start dressing as this character. Like a whole new fashion craze all based on this Werther Incel Guy. Let’s face it- Goethe invented fanboys!
Sir William Patterson: Goethe did NOT invent fanboys.
Dr Li Huning: It could be argued that ‘Werther Fever’ was the first manifestation of what is today called ‘fangirl syndrome’ yes.
Yolanda Yaltzer: ANYWAY- that’s what we had to work into our disaster flick. That! How the hell do we work in that?
Meredith Walker: But you all clearly did?
Dr Li Huning: We were able to harmonise the themes in the novel into conventions the Vorton’s could conceptualise. Human romanticism became Vorton desires for unity; connotations of desire were made into a longing to be re-connect as a species; crucially we showed the Vortons they were not weakened by this horrendous situation but retained agency. It was important they became invested in the story.
Meredith Walker: Because of the Werther Fever Effect?
Dr Li Huning: Because of that, yes.
Meredith Walker: Sir William, you insisted upon the story being used because you of this after effect. Did you hope somehow using the book by Goethe that the Vorton’s would change their minds about us. Sway our conquerors with a good story?
Dr Li Huning: The original made Napoleon a huge fan I have noticed.
Sir William Patterson: Well not quite. Werther Fever erupted across Europe as translations of the novel came out, as Yolanda described, but there was an additional side effect to this. Across Europe there began a series of copycat suicides as these impressionable young men would emulate their hero...
Meredith Walker: So the book inspired suicide?
Sir William Patterson: Not quite. The link between the novel and the spate of suicides that erupted across Europe is still hotly debated within academic circles...
Yolanda Yaltzer: There was a fricken wave of 18th century Incel fanboys blowing their brains out after reading this book I swear!
Sir William Patterson: I felt that perhaps this effect could be replicated to a degree; given the complexity of Vorton psychology, I didn’t expect a simple replication of the impact upon 18th century readers but that was the gist of the plan. I simply weaponised our ability to tell stories.
Meredith Walker: And Professor the hope within the liason committee was that this miniseries would cause some suicides amidst the Vorton race?
Dr Li Huning: No. Given they had once said we humans were but a millionth of them, we earnestly hoped for a much stronger reaction. And we all know the results.
Meredith Walker: The entire Vorton species.
Dr Li Huning: Every last one of them. We imagine it was a cascade effect. The climax of the series, the Vorton version of Werther discovering that the race had lost its telepathic abilities forever and that his furious determination to regain this skill was in fact holding back his species from evolving to maintain their position as dominant was crucial. They had to see him rationalise that he was hurting the species by his continued existence
Sir William Patterson: The aim was to introduce the very human idea of noble sacrifice to the Vorton... you know ‘it’s a Far far better thing that I do now...’
Yolanda Yaltzer: BUT punch it home with a 28 hour lead up designed to get the entire race to identify with one fricken over-sensitive milkbaby. The results? Splat!
Meredith Walker: Splat?
Dr Li Huning: Quantum biological effect. Autopsies reveal the Vorton suffered cerebral implosions as we imagine a cascade effect of the desire to self destruct took over.
Meredith Walker: They willed themselves to death?
Yolanda Yaltzer: Hey- you ever stood on the edge of a drop and gazed down and had that brief urge to just like jump!? Imagine that but that urge amplified by 23 billion people, your entire species thinking it at the exact same time and now imagine just how powerful that urge would become. Splat!
Meredith Walker: None of you seem bothered by the fact you annihilated an entire species?
Yolanda Yaltzer: They had wanted to wipe out the Orangutans. I’d take Orangutans over the aliens who screwed Canada any time.
Dr Li Huning: Ultimately it was about survival. Either we destroyed them or we remained slaves. I have no issue with that.
Sir William Patterson: They were the enemy. And this was the only weapon we could use. We won. They lost. Its war.
Meredith Walker: And Admiral you were able to take control of their ship instantly?
Sir William Patterson: We had spent 18 months carefully studying how they piloted their ships and in the weeks during the serialisation of the show I had familerised myself with the controls yes.
Meredith Walker: Now there are some who feel that there was a degree of calculation in what came next...
Sir William Patterson: The entire Vorton Ascendency was gone. The species was no more. But the 13 subservient planets didn’t know we had just wiped them out. What followed was a strategic decision.
Dr Li Huning: Presidents Lu of China, McKindrick of the United States, and Prime Ministers of Israel, Great Britain, Japan and Indonesia all agree upon us travelling to the Vorton homeworld and taking control of its resources.
Yolanda Yaltzer: I am SO gonna turn that trip into a film...
Dr Li Huning: Miss Yaltzer, much of the operation and the aftermath is still classified...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Doc, PLEASE! Like anyone needs accuracy to make a good movie... of course I’d need to make me and sailor boy have a romance to make it work...
Sir William Patterson: A romance Yolanda? Well I hardly think...
Yolanda Yaltzer: Hey sailor boy. Chill. Its a movie not real life. We both agreed on the way back to remain as sex buddies...
Meredith Walker: And coming up- the new Human Space Empire; one year on- are we ready to rule the galaxy? I’d like to thank my guests for their time...
(Transcripts end)
I could tear open my bosom with vexation to think how little we are capable of influencing the feelings of each other
No one can communicate to me those sensations of love, joy, rapture, and delight which I do not naturally possess; and though my heart may glow with the most lively affection, I cannot make the happiness of one in whom the same warmth is not inherent
The Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Why I'm so glad I never had children, even at 40 years old.

My name is Colette, I’m 40 from Cheshire in England. I literally cannot express how glad I am that I never had children and don’t ever plan to. And here’s why.
Deep down I’ve never been the maternal type. I’d say from the age of about 12 little kids just seemed to annoy me. Babies as well. I was never one for cooing over little babies and thinking they’re all cute and cuddly. I can remember being on a flight to Spain when I was 18 and having to listen to a little baby scream and create for pretty much the whole flight. It drove me nuts. I can remember how stressed the baby’s mother was as well and remember thinking; why would anyone want that? Whenever anyone said they were broody, whether it be my friends or my work colleagues I just thought; really?
My sister is 41. We both followed similar paths in our school years and harbored aspirations of going to University. However when she was 19 she suddenly became broody and obsessed with having a baby, so much so that she quit university mid-way through her first year because she wanted to start a family with her boyfriend. My Mum and Dad were really disappointed in her and tried to convince her to wait until she was older but it fell on deaf ears. At 21 she had a baby son. However, her boyfriend and the father of her baby would turn out to be a useless parent. He wouldn’t lift a finger to help with the baby, using work as an excuse and saying looking after the baby was the woman’s job, that old-fashioned spiel. Their relationship quickly soured and he would walk out on her and their son all the time, leaving her pretty much as a single parent.
It was clear he didn’t care about either of them but she was blinded by ‘love’ and refused to move on, pining after him all the time even though he was a waste of space. He’d only ever see them both and make an effort because she’d have sex with him afterwards. Then he’d disappear for weeks, sometimes months on end. It went on for years. She couldn’t see how she was just being used and instead secretly stopped taking the pill so she would get pregnant again when she was 24, hoping a bigger family would change him. But again, he did nothing and basically left her high and dry again, this time as a single parent to TWO sons. She only saw the light and how much of a scumbag he was when he beat her black and blue during an argument, breaking her ribs and nose in the vicious assault and putting her in hospital. After he spent time in PRISON for GBH she stupidly tried to convince him to get back together! It was ridiculous. Thankfully though it was HIM who did the right thing and moved away for good, purely because he couldn’t be bothered with her or the kids and wanted an easy life. He hardly ever them again, which was the best outcome for all their sakes.
It did however leave her to struggle for years both emotionally and financially. She was constantly skint. I lost count of the amount of times me or our parents had to give her a handout for something, whether it be rent money or to buy food or pay the gas bill, even as we moved into our early thirties. I was earning over 45k a year by this point but she had absolutely no career prospects at all. Even though her sons were 11 and 7 and both at school she didn’t even consider trying to get a job, even a part time one. Instead she met a new man and decided to have a baby with him within months, basically putting herself back to square one. However she had to go through the pain of two miscarriages which really affected her mentally, to the point where she went on antidepressants and started drinking heavily. One time my Dad went round to her house and found her passed out drunk on the sofa whilst her kids were wreaking havoc. Oh and that’s another thing; by this point her youngest son was having behavioral problems and was diagnosed with ADHD. He was a little shit to be perfectly honest. He’d hit her, throw things at her, SPIT at her and constantly cause trouble round the house and at school. He was completely out of control.
Yet despite this she was still adamant about having another baby, even though her new boyfriend, like her last was flittering in and out of her life whenever he felt like it and preferred being at the pub most nights to spending time with her. She fell pregnant again, had a baby girl aaaand surprise, surprise her boyfriend turned out to be a useless father who hardly helped her with anything! Who would’ve believed it? He did at least kind of stick around, although this only allowed them to go on and have two more kids, another boy and a girl, which he again left her to do all the leg work with before they ended up splitting last year. So as of now she lives on her own with her 5 children all with her and to say her life is dysfunctional is an understatement. Her eldest is now 20 but is a layabout who sleeps all day and won’t get a job. Her son with ADHD is 16 and has moved on from hitting her and wreaking havoc around the house to getting expelled from school and committing petty crimes in the local area.
Her eldest daughter is now 7 and is a little madam who screams and paddies until the cows come home if she doesn’t get what she wants. Her 4 year old son is beginning to show the same ADHD traits as her 16 year old and her youngest daughter who is 18 months is a little terror who refuses to go to sleep until well past midnight EVERY night. What fun eh? The joy of children?
It’s made me glad I was the complete opposite. I didn’t want kids. I was sure of it, even in my early twenties. Instead of being a young Mum like my sister I knuckled down and went to University before starting a career in accountancy. My ambition was to just work hard, make money, have fun with my friends and go on holiday. Despite this I wasn't one of these people who abstained from sex. In fact I considered myself a very sexual person. I loved sex to put it bluntly. I still do. I was easily an everyday (multiple times if possible) kind of girl so I knew I always had to be extra careful when it came to contraception. When I was 26 I did fall pregnant even though I was on the pill and I chose to have an abortion straightaway. My boyfriend at the time said he wasn’t ready to be a Dad so it was a no-brainer really. My parents both thought I was being too hasty but I didn’t have a single regret. In fact the whole thing barely affected me. I was warned that the abortion process would be traumatic and upsetting but I was back at work the following day like nothing had happened. People will probably say I’m insensitive but I’m being honest; that’s just how I felt. I’ve hardly even thought about it 14 years later.
The only thing it did was make me wary of contraception though, but in that instance I just insisted on my partner using condoms as well as me being on the pill to be extra safe. Even then though I'd always get anxious around the time I was due on in case it somehow happened again. After several failed relationships I met my husband in a bar 3 years ago and it turned out we had the same outlook when it came to kids! He is 42 and works as a solicitor. He hated kids that much that he actually paid to have a vasectomy when he was 29. He was literally my dream man. We were engaged within six months and married just 4 months later. It was a whirlwind romance but I knew he was the one and vice versa. We even bought an 850k house in Knutsford together. I couldn’t believe how perfect it was, literally my dream home. But I’d earned it. I’m not being big-headed, it’s just the truth. I’d worked my arse off for over 20 years to get to this point and so had my husband. The house has four bedrooms which you’d think just go to waste with no children but we regularly have friends stay over instead.
We don’t want to share our love with anyone else, just each other which is why our sex life is also so healthy and refreshing. There are no kids in the way and we always have complete and utter privacy. We think nothing of walking around the house completely naked because we know no one will see us and both love to be adventurous and romantic at the same time. We’ve done it on the kitchen worktop, in the shower, in both living rooms, in every bedroom just for the sake of it! One day I’d had a really hard day at work and came home to find he’d cooked me a romantic candlelit steak dinner and we ended up making love on the couch afterwards. It was almost like being in a fairytale. Yet if we had kids tearing round the house it wouldn’t have been possible. And because he’s had the snip it’s all risk free and we don’t need to even think about contraception anymore, which has gotten rid of my anxiety about ever falling pregnant again. Really though at my age my ovaries must have pretty much shriveled up and wasted away so there'd be little chance now anyway. I think not being a Mum has allowed me to explore my sexuality a lot more as well. I have plenty of sexy lingerie that drives my husband wild and also have a fondness for having anal sex every few weeks. I don’t just do it for my husband’s benefit as I do enjoy it quite a lot. We've also made a few 'home movies'. But I just keep thinking if I was a mother I’d feel like it was too dirty or explicit to do things like that and I’d be setting a bad example and should know better. But I’m free to do whatever I want in the bedroom and I love it.
Another thing that benefits from being child free is definitely my health. I feel as fit as a fiddle even at 40 years old. And that’s because I always get a good night’s sleep, I get time to exercise regularly at the gym and I eat well. My husband and I both love to cook and we’re always trying out new adventurous foods and recipes (Not Vegan stuff though, I’m not one of them don’t worry, absolutely love my meat) and much of it is good, healthy stuff. Don’t get me wrong we both love a good takeaway or a McDonald’s at the same time but only every now and then. Its all part of having a healthy, balanced diet. I just think if I had a child or god forbid multiple children I wouldn’t be getting anywhere near as much sleep, I’d have literally no time after work to go to the gym because I’d have to deal with them instead and I wouldn’t be able to have anywhere near as good a diet because the kids would just turn their nose up at all the fancy foods we have and just want stuff like chicken nuggets and chips all the time.
Health is the one thing I worry about most with my sister, both physically and mentally. She’s always stressed and looks exhausted. Obviously she’s struggled with depression in the past as well. She’s overweight and hardly exercises and just lives off either takeaways or unhealthy, processed foods because it’s easier for her. Her living arrangements are hardly much better either. The council house she lives in is falling apart and is a constant shit tip littered with dirty clothes, toys, discarded food, mould and pots everywhere. Something is always going on with her kids as well. Most of the time she just rants and raves about them and doesn’t give off the impression that there’s a lot of love there for her kids. Everything is always negative. She said she feels like all she does is shout at the younger ones for doing something naughty or because her eldest won’t do anything with his life or because her out of control son has put someone’s window through. It just makes me wonder why she chose to have 5. Or even one? All her kids WERE planned after all. No word of a lie she’s been miserable for the past 20 years, which coincides with when she had her first.
Then I think about what a typical day is like for her with 5 kids. She’s woken up by her toddler between 5am and 6am every morning and has to tend to her before dealing with her 7 and 4 year olds and getting them to school/nursery. She has to battle with her 16 year old to get him to go to school as well, for which most of the time he point blank refuses to. She has to shop at bargain basement places for food, clothing and other essentials, only buying the bare minimum because she hardly has any money living on Universal Credit. Then at the end of the day she has to cook and clean for all of them and spend hours battling with her three youngest to get them to all go to sleep in the same bedroom, all whilst worrying about her 16 year old being out at ungodly hours getting up to no good. It sounds like HELL.
Again you’ll probably say that not all children are the same as my sister’s and her having to do it all on her own without help from the Dads is contributing to her stressful life, and to some degree that is correct. But no word of a lie, I can’t recall ever meeting anyone who actually seemed happy being a parent. None of my friends or work colleagues, past or present. Don’t get me wrong they all get so excited through the pregnancy but when the baby actually comes along, the sleepless nights and relentless parenting always seems to take its toll. The amount of ex-colleagues who I’d heard moan about how tired they were because of their kids or how stressed they made them could fill a whole novel. I can tell it’s the leading cause of divorce as well. Think about it; a happy couple has a child then all of a sudden there’s so much strain put on their relationship. They argue more, they have less time for each other and they drift apart. Then they either cheat or just can’t stand to be around each other. Then they split up. My husband deals with it all the time in divorce proceedings.
The truth is; I think having children is nothing but a novelty that quickly wears off. They’re all cute and cuddly at first and you love showing them off to other people, but pretty soon the whinging and crying and sleep deprivation gets to you. Soon you get fed up of toys everywhere and the house being a tip, as well as the endless cleaning and washing. Soon you find yourself finding any excuse not to play with them and counting the minutes until bed time each day. You get sick and tired of them moaning and wanting something all the time. Then when they’re older you find that they’re just annoying, bratty, money sapping leeches who won’t do as their told and lie and defy you at every turn and ruin your life until you can finally kick them out into the big wide world, by which point you’ve found that you’ve aged about 30 years in the process or gone grey, if you have any hair left at all that is! I honestly could not think of anything worse than having kids. My parents said I was a particularly bratty child at times growing up and I admit going through a defiant, rebellious teen stage. And I actually felt GUILTY about it, even though they’re not the least bit bothered now.
Just before Lockdown 2.0 in the UK me and my husband had a couple over at our house for dinner and drinks who we’ve been friends with for years. They have a son and daughter, 13 and 11 respectively who were left with a babysitter. After a few glasses of wine they couldn’t wait to start ranting and raving about how much the kids had been driving them up the wall and how difficult parenting had been for them over the years. And this is from a couple who did things the stereotypical way. Careers, marriage, house, kids. In that order. The supposed right way. They live in a house just as big as ours and have successful, financially comfortable lives yet are completely envious of us because we are in a kid free environment. I could tell it grated on them seeing how care free our lives were and how we could do what we pleased.
I’m so grateful the parenting world is a far cry from my life. I’ll always remember the morning after me and my husband finally spent our first night in our new home last year. Everything was unpacked and all the furniture was in place. The house was clean and tidy and quiet. I woke up at about 8am after a peaceful night’s sleep and went downstairs to get a glass of water, fully naked of course because who would see me? When I returned to the bedroom I peeked through the curtains to see it was pouring down with rain outside, absolutely horrible. But instead of having to go out and face that or tend to any children I got back into my nice warm bed and cuddled up to my husband, just listening to the rain drops batter the window whilst the wind whistled outside. It was so relaxing. It was then that I realised I had well and truly made it in life. I was in love with a wonderful man, had a great job, had great friends, drove a nice car, had hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank, lived in my dream house and was only days away from going on a 2-week cruise around the Caribbean. I was so happy. Unsurprisingly my husband woke up feeling horny as he does most days and we proceeded to have amazing sex including anal. Probably too much info for you all but really don’t care, I loved it. It was one of the best moments of my life.
Whilst my sister’s plans for the future are all up in the air because of her children, me and my husband are hoping to both retire in about 10 years so we can travel the world. And I literally mean THE WORLD. Every continent. I honestly cannot wait. Somebody once said that you cannot be emotionally fulfilled without having a child. Well somebody needs to tell that person that they’re talking absolute BS. My ‘Emotional fulfilment’ comes from sleeping peacefully in my nice, clean, quiet home. It comes from spending time with my loving husband, whether that is going hand in hand for a walk or having incredible, risk-free sex with him. It’s dropping everything at a whim and going away for a weekend skiing or on a city break. It’s being with my amazing friends and having a laugh until god-knows what time, knowing I’ve got no responsibilities waiting for me when I get home. It’s not having the stresses and strains of being a Mum. I LOVE MY LIFE and I owe all of it to not having children.

It's Happening Again, 16 Years Later

I [27F] am so frustrated and upset at my partner [23M] of 1 year, but I don’t know why I can't tell him to leave.

This might be a bit all over the place, so I apologise. I just need to get it out and see if anyone can help.

I moved to this state three years ago (where I have no friends or family) fleeing from an abusive ex, who has scarred me (physically, emotionally, and mentally), in several grand of debt, with no money, my car, the clothes on my back, and my two parrots who (thank the Gods) survived his gross mistreatment of them.
My bf and I met 2 years ago at work in a distribution centre. He was quiet but made funny cracks when he finally started opening up.
We started dating a year ago, when my mental health was at its healthiest. I was happy with life, myself, my martial arts class every week, my debt was cleared and I was saving money for a deposit on a house as a casual with a good work rapport.
The first few months were good, despite the pandemic. Work wasn't weird, he introduced me to his family, we both quit smoking, he got his driver's licence, and bought a four wheel drive that he decked out to go off-roading (something I've wanted to do for ages, but haven't been able to afford).
My two parrots had finally forgiven me, and were happy again, even accepting my bf when he came over (though he regularly said he didn't like them because they made mess).
The first blip of our relationship was 2 months in, when he said he preferred long hair on girls, and that he thought I would look much better with at least shoulder length hair. I haven't had long hair since I was 14 - I despise having it in my eyes, how it makes my call hurt and itch, how much effort it takes to wash, brush, and dry, plus how much hair dye it takes to keep it blue, or purple, or whatever my colour of the week is. I told him these reasons for keeping is short, very short.
He started talking about us moving in together, so he could leave his parent's house. At the time he was only staying over 2 or 3 times a week, so I suggested a "live in" so we could trial living together temporarily before taking the plunge with a joint lease and a house we couldn't afford if we broke up. I didnt want either of us left in the lurch.
When he started staying over every night, he was still refusing to help with house work, or bills, despite my groceries, electricity, and water use going through the roof (he only eats scotch steak, and expensive brand foods, has a high powered, top of the range gaming computer he set up at my house, and his shortest showers are at least 10 minutes long. Mine are always less than 5), claiming that he wasnt "living with me" because he didn't have a house key (despite eating, sleeping, and showering at my house every day for three months).
He took issue with my clothing a month or so after he passed comment on my hair, saying that I shouldn't look "homeless" or wear clothes too large for me. Argued that people are judgemental and would think poorly of me. I don't care what strangers think of me, as long as I'm happy and comfortable. But he made such an issue of it, I ended up spending money I couldn't really afford on clothing he deemed "nice enough to be seen in". Because looks really matter to him.
He consistently tells me that my car should be sold and replaced with something newer. When I tell him I don't have the money, he tells me to "take out a loan". When I tell him I simply don't want to because my car runs fine, he says I just have "first car syndrome" and am overly attached to it. It's a 2002 Honda and his brother (a qualified mechanic) said that it's in great condition for a vehicle its age. Despite a very slow, minor oil leak (I've discussed fixing it, and his own brother said he could and would if I insisted, but he didn't feel it was necessary.)
When his brother announced his girlfriend was expecting a baby, my bf and I had those hypothetical discussions of "if we had kids...". Apparently, if we had kids he expects me to be a full time mother (which is fine, I'd want that anyway, but I dont like his expectation of it), and he also stated he "does not do" vomit or faecal matter - so nappy changes were all my responsibility, as well as bathing and feeding, because he hates babies. When I stated that I refuse to ever find out the sex of a child before it's born, he said he refused to have it a surprise, because he'd want to "prepare the nursery" in blue or pink, depending. I abhor the gender stereotypes of girls with long hair and boys in trousers. I refuse to ever raise a child in an environment that says a girl can't play with Lego and a boy can't wear pink. It's still a matter of contention between us.
He's "convinced" (read: worn me down) me into jointly buying a brand new queen sized bed and mattress, because he didn't like my second hand double. Of course, he insisted on the bed side tables and dresser that came with the bed, so I had to get rid of everything I had out of that room. Plus the internet upgrade that increased the bill by $60 a month. He decided to build a server computer - but wanted me to pitch in for half because he wanted to watch my anime on his TV and apparently Plex was the only way to do it, and Plex needed this $3500 server... (I am not computer literate so can't make it work myself. Though I'm also happy to watch only phone or laptop, and I told him so, I still got guilt tripped into it).
My mental health has gradually deteriorated since he started staying over more often, and when I tried to set boundaries and have him stay home with his parents more to let me recharge my introvert batteries, he threw a tantrum, came over and promptly ignored me the whole night, despite my efforts to be affectionate. Then told me the next night that I deserved that punishment because I had made him feel unloved when I said I didn't want to spend every spare moment of my time with him. That every other girlfriend would be dying for that kind of attention. Something broke in me that day, and I think I've numbed myself. I haven't felt the same being around him since. That he so coldly just ignored all my love, just for trying to say I need some space sometimes.
When I started crying at work everyday for how miserable I was feeling, and how depressed I was (still am), he got angry with me that people at work accused him of "doing something to me". So, after several bad arguments, where he said he would leave if I didn't "get over my depression like he had", I started on my antidepressants again. They have helped me stop crying at work, but I'm ultimately still depressed, and now frustrated at my boyfriend.
He makes incredibly mean "jokes" that I repeatedly tell him I don't like. I'll often give him the reason I don't like them too. "Jokes" about my body, weight, intelligence, or performance at work are very touchy subjects, and when I ask him not to say nasty things he tells me to get over it, it's a joke, I need a sense of humour, I take things too personally, I'm a snowflake, etc. Or he gets angry, telling me he's not the one who changed in this relationship, that I'm the one who "suddenly got depressed" and can't take a joke. That if I don't like it, he'll just leave.
My birds mean everything to me, and he hates them. He laughs at them if they have their wings clipped; yells, shouts, and sprays them with a bottle of water if they land on, poop on, or drop a feather on "his stuff"; he's banished them from the kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, and half the living room (areas with "his stuff") and insists I keep them caged as much as possible. I have always let them have free roam of the house. If they poop, I clean it up. They throw their food around and make a mess, they're parrots. I accept this. He doesn't. He gets angry and punishes them for every noise they make that he doesn't like, insisting I drop everything and do the same.
He's installed cameras in the house to watch his computer area (in case the house is ever broken into), despite knowing I hate being watched. A previous ex used to spy on me with my webcam, and so I hate having cameras that watch my every move in my own home. Especially since he pulls up the day's footage and then gets angry at me for letting either of my parrots on the sofa. Or says that I sat around doing nothing all day.
He gets upset with me for being on my phone "just playing games" and not talking to him, but he doesn't like the things I talk about (which I've told him and he says is just an excuseni use to not talk to him). He tells me to just shut up if I get side-tracked and talk on a tangent. But he'll sit on his phone watching YouTube and Facebook videos for hours and interrupt my book, or make me drop the preparation of dinner just to watch it.
If he gets bored he insists I must entertain him. And that generally means intimately. Since starting my antidepressants again, my drive has hit zero. Below zero. And he's only ever in it for his benefit anyway. When I injured my hand at work, he acted like it was such a chore to pick me up for the ER (I walked halfway down the road so he didn't even have to park), and then insisted on f**king me that night (despite me having a local anaesthetic on my hand, heavy pain medication, and surgery scheduled in the morning to try and save my thumb) because I had "made him horny" because I couldn't undress and shower myself and needed his help.
After surgery, I was still in immense pain, couldn't use my entire left hand, wasn't allowed to get it wet, was off work taking major pain killers, was sleeping badly but tired all the time, yet he refused to help do any grocery shopping and insisted I was just being lazy and could wash, hang, and sort and fold all the washing. He resented the fact he had to wash the dishes ONCE, and refused to do it again. By the time I could (sort of) wash the dishes, they had grown mould. By this point, I had given him a house key so he couldn't claim he didn't live with me anymore.
He treats me just like he does his mother, just that he doesn't guilt trip her into having s*x with him. Every argument goes the same way. It doesn't matter how much I plan out what I want to say. Somehow, in the moment, explaining to him, trying to make him see how I feel, he turns it around. Says that I'm being childish, that I've changed, that I choose to be depressed, that I made up my anxiety, that I'm living in the past (I compared some of his actions to what my abusive ex has done and he got so angry, telling me he was "nothing like that junkie" and that he's offended i even compared them).
I know I'm overly emotional, and I know my depression and past trauma are a real pain for people. I try and keep a handle on it, but the more I repress it the worse it gets. I know I bottle things up, but it's because no one ever wants to talk about things as they happen with me. If something bothers me in the moment, it gets brushed aside, so I repress it, and then eventually it all just spills out, with a load of other things. But I never really seem to just get it all out, so it continues to bother me, so the same things come up again and again.
Currently I have a growing resentment that he's guilting me out of going to my martial arts classes. I always got Wednesdays off, specifically for those classes. He knew that, and tells me he has no issue with me going. But when I say that I'll go, he says he "won't be here when you get home". As some kind of threat, not telling me where he will be.
During arguments he routinely demands that I prove he said something, or asks when he said it, knowing that I can't remember specific dates. While also telling me that I'm doing his head in and make him just want to leave. I honestly think I'm losing my mind, because every single argument ends with me somehow being at fault for something when it started out about something he had done.
He calls me childish when I get upset about his constant criticisms of the way I cook (though he never cooks), clean (even though he never does that either), or of me in general (how I look, talk, act, etc.) I eventually get fed up and tell him to do it himself and he says im being childish.
Routinely says he wants to call my mother and tell her that I'm depressed (she knows) and that I take "happy pills that don't do anything" (she knows) and that my "head is totally f**ked". He hangs this hypothetical conversation with my mother over my head as some sort of threat. Much like "if you don't stop being moody, I won't take you to [event we've been planning for six months]".
The double standards with him are horrific. He's allowed to walk around and fart like he's Thunderpants, especially in bed. But the moment I fart, he legitimately tries to kick me out of my own bed and make me sleep on the sofa. He's allowed to shave his head bald without saying anything, but the moment I say I want to cut my hair, he threatens to break up with me.
I know I say things I don't necessarily mean during arguments, and I get frustrated. But I don't feel like I'm being all that unreasonable, am I?

Am I actually unreasonable and childish?
Should I just "get over" all the abuse I've been through and just never say anything to him about his behaviour?
And why, in the middle of an argument, why, when he says "I'll just leave and you'll never see me again", why can I not just say "Fine. Then leave."? It's so frustrating that by myself, in my own head, I want him gone, but the moment he's around, everything is peachy and "not as bad".
What's wrong with me?!

Tl;dr - My bf of a year basically treats me like an unpaid maid in my own home, makes arguments all my fault, and threatens to "tell my mum on me" whenever he wants to win an argument, and also pressures/guilts me into s*x despite my history of sexual assault and domestic abuse.

bedding sets for boy nursery video

There are 5285 boy nursery bedding sets for sale on Etsy, and they cost $81.19 on average. The most common boy nursery bedding sets material is cotton. The most popular color? You guessed it: Bedding Sets : Free Shipping on EVERYTHING!* Shop our great selection of nursery bedding to keep baby comfortable from Overstock Your Online Baby Bedding Store! Get 5% in rewards with Club O! Find baby boy bedding in soothing prints and colors at Pottery Barn Kids. Shop boy crib bedding including crib sheets, quilts and more. “nursery bedding sets boys” Little Love By Nojo Shine On My Love Boy Safari Crib Bedding Set - 3pc. NoJo. 1 out of 5 stars with 1 reviews. 1. $68.99. Bedtime Originals Nursery Crib Bedding Set - Jungle Fun 3pc. Bedtime Originals. 4.9 out of 5 stars with 27 reviews. 27. $49.49. Sheet Sets Price ($) Any price Under $100 $100 to $200 $200 to $250 Over $250 Custom. Enter minimum price There are 37431 boy nursery bedding for sale on Etsy, and they cost $66.71 on average. The most common boy nursery bedding material is cotton. The most popular color? You guessed it: Nursery Bedding (66 results) Filters. Shop By Discount. Up To 50% Off (5) New In (4) Online Only (2) Stock Availability. Available for Delivery (76) Unavailable for Delivery (31) Type. Fitted Sheets (45) Duvet Cover Sets (23) Sleepbags (22) Bumper Bar Set (6) Coverlets (5) See More. Tog Rating. 2.5 Tog (20) 1 Tog (2) 4 Tog (2) Colour. Pink (29 Shop for Boy Crib Bedding Sets in Crib Bedding Sets. Buy products such as Lambs & Ivy Jungle Safari Gray/Tan/White Nursery 6-Piece Baby Crib Bedding Set at Walmart and save. Baby Boy Bedding Sets : Shop our great selection of nursery bedding to keep baby comfortable from Overstock Your Online Baby Bedding Store! Get 5% in rewards with Club O! Create the nursery of your dreams with adorable baby bedding from BedBathandBeyond.com. –With a huge collection of crib bedding sets, crib sheets and blankets, it’s easy to make your little one’s crib the stylish center piece of their nursery.-Buy now.. Free shipping on orders over $49. Wide collection of baby boy crib bedding sets. Find unique crib sets for boys to adorn your nursery. Pick designer nursery crib bedding or have it custom made.

bedding sets for boy nursery top

Choosing Crib Bedding for Your Nursery - YouTube

In this episode of Trimester 4 with QV Skincare, Nicole Rosenberg, founder of Little Liberty, talks about setting up a nursery. Wowelife Safari Crib Bedding Sets For Boys 7-Piece Jungle Nursery Bedding Brown/Green(Safari-7 Piece) detail :PRICE SALE : US $69.99Wowelife Safari Crib Bedd... Wowelife Crib Bedding Sets For Boys Forest Theme Tiger And Monkey 7-Piece Nursery Bedding White/Green detail :PRICE SALE : US $53.99Wowelife Crib Bedding Set... Crib Bedding Sets For Boys - 4 Piece Woodland Set For Baby Boy Rustic Nursery Decor Quilt Blanket Crib Sheet Skirt And Rail Cover Deer Antler Arrow Buffa... 3D Elephant Safari Crib Bedding Sets For Boys Girl Blanket 8 Piece Nursery Baby Bedding Sets Cotton Giraff Owl (Standard Size) detail :PRICE SALE : US $79.93... Wendy Bellissimo 4pc Nursery Bedding Baby Crib Bedding Set - Elephant Crib Bedding From The Sawyer Collection In Grey And Turquoise detail :PRICE SALE : US $... Sahaler Baby Crib Bedding Set For Girls Boys 3 Pieces Set Of Solid Nursery Bedding Baby Blanket Fitted Crib Sheets & Skirt - Love detail :PRICE SALE : US... Sahaler Succulents Baby Crib Bedding Set For Boy Girl Watercolor Cactus Nursery Fitted Sheets Crib Rail Covers Fleece Plush Blanket 3 Pieces Set (Watercolor ... To view the next video in this series click: http://www.monkeysee.com/play/6233 Preparing for a new addition to your family is hard! Let the team from Great ... The Peanutshell Safari Bedding Sets For Boys 4 Piece Nursery Set Crib Comforter Fitted Crib Sheet Crib Skirt With Plush Elephant Toy detail :PRICE SALE :...

Boy Crib Bedding Sets - Walmart.com

bedding sets for boy nursery

bedding sets for boy nursery - win

The Peanutshell Woodland Walk Crib Bedding Set for Boys or Girls | 3 Piece Nursery Set | Crib Quilt, Fitted Sheet, Crib Skirt

CUDDLY CUBS Set of 2 Jersey Cotton Fitted Crib Sheets in Gray and Mint with Chevron & Elephants – TOP QUALITY Nursery Bedding for Boy or Girl, Ideal Baby Shower Gift

Rant!! Advice is welcome :)

My experience as a JW- F 22 long read

He lasted 3 weeks....

WIBTA if I don't watch the baby in the mornings?

5+ Years of budgeting, finally crawling out of the hole

LONG: Unplanned baby, but loved and wanted. Now instead of the gender disappointment I was planning to deal with we are planning to say goodbye. TW: Termination FMR NHS UK

36 year old living in London on Maternity Leave

Goethe’s Children...

Why I'm so glad I never had children, even at 40 years old.

It's Happening Again, 16 Years Later

I [27F] am so frustrated and upset at my partner [23M] of 1 year, but I don’t know why I can't tell him to leave.

bedding sets for boy nursery video

bedding sets for boy nursery top

Choosing Crib Bedding for Your Nursery - YouTube

Boy Crib Bedding Sets - Walmart.com

bedding sets for boy nursery

bedding sets for boy nursery - win

The Peanutshell Woodland Walk Crib Bedding Set for Boys or Girls | 3 Piece Nursery Set | Crib Quilt, Fitted Sheet, Crib Skirt

CUDDLY CUBS Set of 2 Jersey Cotton Fitted Crib Sheets in Gray and Mint with Chevron & Elephants – TOP QUALITY Nursery Bedding for Boy or Girl, Ideal Baby Shower Gift

Rant!! Advice is welcome :)

My experience as a JW- F 22 *long read*

He lasted 3 weeks....

WIBTA if I don't watch the baby in the mornings?

5+ Years of budgeting, finally crawling out of the hole

LONG: Unplanned baby, but loved and wanted. Now instead of the gender disappointment I was planning to deal with we are planning to say goodbye. TW: Termination FMR NHS UK

36 year old living in London on Maternity Leave

Goethe’s Children...

Why I'm so glad I never had children, even at 40 years old.

It's Happening Again, 16 Years Later

I [27F] am so frustrated and upset at my partner [23M] of 1 year, but I don’t know why I can't tell him to leave.

bedding sets for boy nursery video

bedding sets for boy nursery top

Choosing Crib Bedding for Your Nursery - YouTube

My experience as a JW- F 22 long read